Breaking news: WeeGee is still thinking…..

My last post was a miserable little affair, wasn’t it? Sorry about that. I feel better for having written it because finally seeing the thoughts, in black and white, reminded me that there’s only one person responsible for the choices WeeGee makes and the way she feels in consequence and that’s WeeGee herself. What I think I’m saying is that maybe I’m not as good at boundaries as I thought I was and that there’s a lesson to learn. I do so love it when there’s a lesson…..

Since last I wrote I’ve been about a million different kinds of thoughtful – I wonder if I’ll ever be short of thoughts? I suppose I’ve been a bit hyper aware of the thoughts because there was no Mrs Mountain which meant I was completely in charge. I seem to have survived being in charge of all the thoughts without jumping off any tall things. Go me.

If I’m really honest, I suppose I’ve been having a small hide for the past week or so. It wasn’t one of those stay in bed wishing you were dead hides, more a WeeGee has been knocked for six by recent events and needs to get her thoughts in order kind of hide. I need to remember that my tendency is to give too much of myself away and that I get too wrapped up in the words and actions of other people. I need to remember that when WeeGee gets knocked for six she has to take a big step back and look after her own interests before she gets all worried about what anybody else might need from her.

Breaking news: Looking after yourself doesn’t mean you don’t care about other people too.

(Repeat ad nauseam until you believe it)

I’m still thinking about what comes next for WeeGee. I’ve added another option to the list of options. If law is my dream then I guess doing a PhD is my pipe dream but, hey, I’m feeling a bit WeeGee can take on the world right now so maybe it’s time to pursue a pipe dream? As to what I’d study? Well it’d be an AWESOME piece of research on the relationship between language, information literacy, politics and the sense of self in social media. Yep. Really. Funding might be a bit tricky, but I’m not ruling anything out just yet because that’s not the sort of mood I’m in.

Before we get onto the meanwhile in other news section I wanted to come over a teeny tiny bit sentimental if I may? It’s just that it occurred to me, while I was hiding, that there are one or two online people who’ve come to mean an awful lot to me in the real world too. You make a lot of connections with people when you blog, especially when you blog about mental health issues. Those connections are important, and start to form part of your support network and that’s TOTALLY AWESOME. At the same time, I’ve stumbled across connections that are about more than having mentalness in common and I find myself in the odd position whereby I’ve NEVER EVEN MET some of my very favourite people on the planet.

So here’s a quick shout out, and a quick thank you, and a quick hi to my friends and favourite people I’ve never met: Carrie, Kendra, Garry, Jen, Erin, Zoe, and Rhio. You guys are so special that you get to live in WeeGee’s heart. But not in a creepy way :-p

Meanwhile in other news I’ve finally started the light therapy for my psoriasis. It’s a bit of a faff but I’ve got my fingers crossed it helps because I’m close to my wits end with it all. Nothing else to report today save that I love you all lots like jelly tots.

WeeGee xoxoxo

A most disgusting post

Today I have mostly been feeling weepy, wonky, wobbly and bit WORLD SHUT YOUR MOUTH. It seems that Wednesday means all of the w’s* here in WeeGee land. Which sorta makes sense, I guess.

I suppose the first thing to say about this post is that it’s not what I think all of the time, but it’s what I think today, and it’s what I’ve thought on other days too so I’ve decided it’s a thought that deserves a little bit of space. The second thing to say about this post is that it isn’t a very pretty one. In fact it’s an ugly little post – a most disgusting post. It’s the very worst of WeeGee.

Once upon a time there was a little girl. She was gentle and kind and her dad called her WeeGee on account of the fact that she wasn’t very big and her name started with the letter ‘G’. Little WeeGee didn’t really understand other little people and she learned, for lots of long and complicated reasons, to make sure that the grown ups didn’t notice her either. She was mostly a lonely little soul but she filled her heart up with special people and she filled her head up with books, and music, and thoughts about running away from it all.

Over the years, WeeGee let a lot of special people live in her heart, but she never managed to keep them there for long. Maybe WeeGee wasn’t very good at spotting special people, or maybe special people didn’t want to live in WeeGee’s heart. WeeGee longed for special people but they never seemed to turn up so she started building a wall around her heart to keep the light out. Eventually her heart became hard where once it was kind and all her gentleness turned into violence. And she turned the violence upon herself. Over, and, over, and over again. It soon became clear to WeeGee that it didn’t matter how black her heart was because certain kinds of guys wanted to fuck her anyway. So she let them, because they didn’t care in the slightest, and because there are lots of different ways to hurt yourself.

There was respite, because there was Mr Friendly who saw past WeeGee’s black heart and who found a way to care. WeeGee thought she had learned a lesson and found respect for herself and left her black heart behind her. But she hadn’t, because along came Mr Magic, and Mr I’m In a Band and Mr X to prove that guys only want one thing from WeeGee and it isn’t space in her heart. They’ll tell WeeGee that she’s special, or that they can see a future, or that they could really love her so they’ll get to fuck her even though they’re lying and don’t care.

I can’t help thinking there’s a way around all of this because WeeGee has a black heart, and a hard streak and because you don’t have to lie to WeeGee if you want to fuck her because she’s only good for one thing and you could probably fuck her anyway. I guess this is news flash: leave the lies out of it, fuck me, and let me get back to hurting myself.

I’m not longing for special people any more. There’s either no such thing on earth, or no such thing for WeeGee. It doesn’t matter which. I’m tired of people, and what they see, and what they do, and how they lie just so they can fuck someone who only really hoped they might care, but who would probably let them fuck her anyway. Because that’s all she’s good for.

And that, my friends, is the very worst of WeeGee.

Maybe this is little more than a crisis of confidence. Maybe this is what happens when you stop taking your happy pills for a while. Maybe by tomorrow I’ll have forgotten about it all. I hope so, because I don’t feel like I’m worth very much at the moment, even though I know that my love, loyalty and laughter ought to be worth an awful lot more.

Lets have a song. If ever there was a song about WeeGee’s heart, this is it:

Love you all lots and lots like jelly tots xoxoxoxo

The Dreaded Jitters

I’ve got a real mixed bag lined up for you today: there’s a confession, a funny story, a little think, an idiot who nearly got poked in the eye, and a really AWESOME song to round it all off. Who’s in?

The confession is this (and without going into the background*) I managed to not take my mental meds for a little over a week. Of course, I know you’re not supposed to stop taking your mental meds until the headshrinker tells you to. Or at least – I know that now. Anyway – the long and the short of it is that I’ve started taking my mental meds again after a while without them which can mean only one thing – The Dreaded Jitters.

The Dreaded Jitters are probably my least favourite occupational hazard of being mental – there’s no fun to be had in jumping out of your skin if someone so much as looks at you unexpectedly, or being so wired that you can’t manage to stay still for more than about three seconds, or talking at a mile a minute about the THREE MILLION AWESOME thoughts that are going on in your head. In short, The Dreaded Jitters lead you to behave in the manner of a person who is COMPLETLEY off their tits on coke. Which isn’t exactly ideal when you’re at work trying to pretend to be one of the grown up people…..

There was small moment of The Dreaded Jitters amusement when WeeGee was mistaken for someone else by a grinning lunatic in the street who bounded up to WeeGee grinning like a grinning lunatic looking very much like he might be about to hug her. I’m not a fan of strangers touching me at the best of times, but when I’ve got The Dreaded Jitters and it looks like a stranger is going to touch me it turns out my natural response is to SCREEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEAM. As in really loudly. As in blue murder. As in people ask WeeGee if ‘everything is alright here?’ whilst looking at the grinning lunatic man** as if he’s a pervert or a murderer or possibly both. The next thing WeeGee does is cry by the way – but you probably saw that one coming.

The moral of the funny story? Don’t stop taking your mental meds until the headshrinker tells you to……..

My little ‘what next for WeeGee’ think continues. As far as a new challenge at work goes I think I’ve come up with four options:

Option One – the sorta safe option: Ask to have my current job re-graded in light of what I actually do, instead of what my incredibly old job description says I do. On the one hand I’m fairly confident that my job would be graded at a higher grade which would be good. On the other I’ve got a sneaking suspicion that it would be graded at a higher grade than my boss which wouldn’t be so good. If I decide to take this route I’m definitely putting down a marker, and I’m not sure I want to be seen as the kind of person who puts down markers. Admittedly, this one isn’t much of a challenge but it would leave me with plenty of time on my hands to take up challenges in other areas of my life.

Option Two: – the slightly out of your comfort zone option: Look to move within the sector. This isn’t always an option because I do a fairly specialised thing in a specific sector so if you want to move you have to wait for similar people elsewhere to start moving. It’s very definitely an option at the moment because a senior resignation at Edinburgh has set the whole thing in motion…… The downside of this one is that a lot of what I do is based on relationships, trust and institutional knowledge and building all that up again elsewhere seems like a daunting option. Then again, what’s wrong with daunting?

Option three – the wow this is all a bit new option: Give up my job and go back to University to do the Legal Practice Course and cross my fingers that I can secure a training contract at the end of it. The question of funding is only a little question because WeeGee’s wonderful parents are quite happy to cover it on the basis that she goes back to Nottingham to live at home while she’s doing it. I’m not too sure how I feel about that because I haven’t lived with my parents for a very long time and it might prove to be a bit of a nightmare.

Option four – the wow this is also a bit new option: Secure funding from my favourite law firm*** give up my job and go back to University to do the Legal Practice Course and not need to cross my fingers that I can secure a training contract at the end of it. This would take care of the funding but would leave me having to decide whether I wanted to live in London, Guildford or Chester and I’m not sure I want to live in any of them.

I haven’t come to any conclusions yet – but we’re talking about a big, potentially life changing decision so it’s probably worth letting the options swim around in my head for a little while longer. I suppose I should own up and say I’ve also been having a little think about Mr X and how I feel about that. I haven’t come to any conclusions there either, but I don’t really think I need to. These things have a habit of coming out in the wash anyway.

Meanwhile in other news I spent the whole of yesterday doing something really rubbish because somebody asked me to. It took blinking ages and I very nearly went mad but I got it done and was very pleased with myself until the somebody who asked me to do the rubbish thing came down and told me they had changed their mind about the rubbish thing I needed to do and could I now do another rubbish thing instead. I don’t think I’ve ever been closer to poking an idiot in the eye IN MY LIFE. Nothing else to report today save that here’s another AWESOME version of an AWESOME song:

Hope everyone’s well. Love you lots, WeeGee xoxoxo

*The background is basically that I’m an idiot
**Who, by this time, was no longer grinning
***Everyone has a favourite law firm, right?

Get me away from here I’m dying

Today I have mostly been having one of my little thinks because it seemed as good a time as any for me to have one of my little thinks. I do so love my little thinks – they’re a bit like Belle and Sebastian in that they always make everything feel better:

I’ve been thinking about what comes next for WeeGee because if the past year has been about finding myself, I suppose the next year should be about deciding what to do with the self I’ve managed to find. Getting better is about steadiness and regiment and routine. Staying better is about letting go of those things so that life can intervene.

If I hadn’t been so poorly I’d probably have done all kinds of things by now but there’s no use crying over spilt milk. The fact remains that I was poorly and you can’t do all kinds of things when you’re poorly. Here’s the thing: I’m not poorly any more…..

So what is next? A new challenge in my career is definitely on the cards. I love my job, but I’m too firmly in my comfort zone and I’m capable of an awful lot more. Maybe it’s about time I gave in and surrendered to my love for the law….. Maybe it’s time I started earning the spondoolies my brain is capable of earning for me?

There’re also one or two creative projects that deserve my attention. A brand new foodie blog for a start, not to mention the book. I don’t think you get to be an English graduate without having a book in your heart but it takes a bit of effort to make it happen. Thing is, I’m not short of effort.

Finally there’s where I’m going to live, and the places I’m going to see. I don’t think I want to live in London anymore. It’s not my city, and I never belonged here and I need to find a new home. As for the places I need to see? Lets have Florence and San Francisco to get us started. The world is my lobster.

I’ve made a lot of peace during my little think. Peace with my friends, and peace with my heart. It always turns out well in the end because if its not well it hasn’t ended yet.

I want to end by taking my hat off to Mr Friendly – the most brilliant human being that ever there was. I wish I could bottle him up, and share him around because Mr Friendly is exactly what the mental people need. He’s as close as you ever get to the shore because he’s the only person who’ll take the time to get to know how the only thing you need is news quiz. Or rather he’s the only person with the patience to let you be, no matter who you happen to be.

Cheerio xoxoxo

The idiots are NOT winning

I don’t know what’s going on at the moment, but the proliferation of idiots in my life is quite remarkable. I’m beginning to wonder if there’s some kind of pandemic outbreak of idiotitis going on because I can’t think of any other reason that perfectly sensible people would suddenly start agreeing to marry arseholes, or declaring their undying love for WeeGee before making the most embarrassing lunge in the history of embarrassing lunges…..

My response to all this idiocy has mostly been made up of swear words because sometimes swearing is the only thing for it. What else can you do when one of your best friends COMPLETELY, and by her own admission, takes leave of her senses and another decides he’s ‘in love’ with you SIXTEEN YEARS after you first met at a time when you are, to the best of his knowledge, dating a guy you happen to be quite fond of?

Which leads us quite nicely onto Mr X. It’s quite hilarious actually, because shortly after my ‘awww isn’t Mr X nice’ post he had a great big wobble and decided he needed some space. You couldn’t make my life up, could you? Anyway – on the one hand, that’s completely understandable because, lets face it, if WeeGee was Mr X she’d be wobbling around all over the place and also because WeeGee knows better than most that wobbly people deserve a chance too. On the other hand it’s a bit of a pain in the arse because something that was nice and easy suddenly became complicated and also because it gives the ‘told you so’ people the perfect opportunity to say ‘I told you so’.

The bottom line is that I’m going to have to figure out which of the golden rules I’m going to follow when it comes to the idiots and Mr X. I think a little think might be in order which is fine because I’ve got plenty of ‘space’ to do it in I suppose the point I really need to make is that I’m perfectly okay – it seems it takes more than a couple of idiots and a confusing person to knock me off my perch these days. Who’d ever have thunk it?!

I suppose it comes down to that thing of not worrying about the small stuff. Mrs Sparkle might well make some rubbish decisions for rubbish reasons but I’ll always love the bones of her and it isn’t for me to referee her life. Mr Trendy might be an idiot but he and I will get back to where we were (when I’m not angry anymore). I love the bones of him too, but perhaps I ought to be clear about the nature of that love in the future….. As for Mr X? If it’s meant for me I guess it won’t go past me and if it does, well, I’ll still officially love my friends and my family and the little life I’ve got going on for myself. Those are the things that REALLY matter here in WeeGee land nowadays and their value means that I’m through with sweating the small stuff for once and for all.

I’ll leave you with a song. It’s one of the saddest songs EVER and I love it with all of my heart:

Love you all loads xoxoxoxo

I am sailing

Today has been the sort of day that you decide to have scrambled eggs for breakfast, get distracted by a song on the radio, and end up burning the eggs to the arse of the saucepan instead of scrambling them…… It’s also the sort of day that you can’t really be bothered with people because, broadly speaking, people are completely RUBBISH. And that’s all me and my alien brain have got to say about that unless you want me to start swearing. And when I say swearing I mean as in really, really badly.

So – I’ve been a bit ‘WeeGee versus the World’ today, but it’s okay, because I think I’m just about coming out on top. The trick, I find, is to make an AWESOME playlist on Spotify and then spend your time listening to it whilst simultaneously creating the most bonkers spreadsheet known to man because that’s the sort of thing you get paid to do and because Mrs Scary Boss lady is always impressed by a bonkers spreadsheet. Gold stars all round.

Shall we have a little song to see if that lightens the mood?

That, by the way is not only one of my favourite songs of all time, it’s also my absolute favourite version of it. Ever. Ever, ever, ever. If you can be bothered have a little read of the lyrics. They’re AWESOME.

I’m not sure the mood is any lighter but it was worth a try, right?

I suppose the good news is that Mrs Mountain and I have decided that I don’t need weekly sessions anymore because by and large I’m coping fairly well with all this being alive stuff, and the only thing we really have left to sort out is The Worst Thing Ever, and maybe The Worst Thing Ever isn’t the kind of thing you sort out by talking about it anyway. The fact of the matter, I think, is that some things are so sad that you have to let them live in your heart forever. What you also have to do is learn how to leave enough space for the other feelings as well and I’m very definitely getting there.

I’m feeling a bit final about things at the moment, by which I mean I feel like I might have got to the place I’m supposed to be in life. I think I’ve decided that ‘this’ is the alien-person I’m supposed to be and that I’m content with that. I’ll spend days of my life thinking about The Worst Thing Ever, and I’ll listen to sad songs even though I’m happy, and the normal-people won’t make any sense to me but I’ll still love them with all of my wonky little heart. The main thing is that I’ll do all of that, and so much more without hurting myself, or letting anyone hurt me, even once.

Maybe I’m not feeling final after all – you know how I feel about endings anyway. Maybe what I’m feeling is a bit wistful. Truth told I’ve been feeling a bit wistful since I went to the seaside and realised how very much I want to sail away from it all. I can only ever be the alien-person I’m supposed to be and this AWESOME little alien-person will forever sail on stormy seas but will never find the shore. And that’s just fine.

Meanwhile in other news one of my friends has decided to get married to a boy who routinely behaves like an arsehole ‘because he asked her’ – this has led me to conclude that getting married is even more stupid than I thought it was and that the only circumstances under which WeeGee would contemplate getting married is if the person asking her answered to the name of Frank Turner. Nothing else to report today save that we might as well have a bit of Frank now I’ve mentioned him…..

Love you lots and lots, WeeGee McAlien-Person

Hope is important: an update

I’ve written this post in my head about a million times over the past few months, but every time I sit down to write it I end up writing a different one instead. I’m not sure why – maybe I wanted to be circumspect for a change, or maybe I was worried that in writing the post I’d tempt fate, and jinx things, and somehow mess everything up. As is my way. Except, of course, that isn’t ‘my way’ at all. It’s a ridiculous conflation of past events that have no bearing on the here and now whatsoever.

When you start to remember to leave the past behind the future starts to feel a whole lot brighter……

I’ve been thinking about journeys again, insofar as that life is a only a journey and the only thing that anybody truly hopes for is not to reach the destination until they are very old, and they’ve done all the things, and been all the places, and read all the books, and met all the people they were supposed to.

As for my journey so far? Well, it hasn’t exactly been a happy journey but I’m content with that. Maybe I had to lead myself in and out and back into the wilderness so that I could get to this point – feeling confident that the next time the wilderness starts to beckon my brain is going to have all the ammunition it needs to save me. That’s what a lifetime being mental is all about – finally learning how to save yourself.

You probably think Mr Wise got his name because he’s wise which is only a little bit true because Mr Wise is wise in a very special way. Not many people have the kind of wisdom he does because not many people spend years of their lives battling their demons so that they can learn how to save themselves. As you know, Mr Wise saved me at least three billion squillion times. What I’ve never told you is that every single time he did he told me that one day I would learn how to save myself. I didn’t tell you because I wasn’t ready to believe him. But he was right.

Life is going to throw all kinds of stuff at me and my brain, I know that. What I also know is that I’m going to take it on the chin, keep an eye on my priorities and survive it. I’m not going to sweat the small stuff anymore, because I figured out what matters and how to keep it so that it always matters so much more than the small stuff.

I’m not so naive that I think I’ll never have a grey day again, and I’ll tell you what, I truly hope that my AWESOME days aren’t over with just yet. But I’ve found insight and perspective and I don’t plan on letting go. If you’re an ex smoker you might understand because there comes a point in the quitting process when you know in your heart that you’ve done it. I feel a bit like that about jumping off tall things, and hiding in bed for weeks, and starving myself to death, and carving my limbs up just because I can. I’m never going to have to do any of that again.

At this point in my journey I know that I matter just as much as other people. I know that an emotional attachment isn’t a bad thing. I know that taking a risk isn’t the same as being reckless. I know that I’m always going to be a bit vulnerable. I know that I’m always going to be strong. I know that nobody lets you down on purpose. I know that feelings grow but never ought to consume you. I know that I’m the only person who can hold myself together and save me. The last one is a big one because I wasted so much time thinking someone else would come to my rescue instead of getting stuck in and taking care of myself.

I also know something I knew all along, the one thing I never lost sight of, or let go of: Hope Is Important. Hope is what carries your heart when it’s too heavy for you to bear anymore.

I’m going to hold on to hope and that way I’ll always be able to save myself.

Love, WeeGee xoxoxo

Being without feeling

This is the news: WeeGee is happy. As in happy, and she knows it, and she really wants to show it. Clap, clap…….

The thing about being depressed is that you’re constantly aware that you’re depressed. Depression is always there, casting it’s long shadow, and controlling every little thing that you do. The thing about being happy is that you hardly notice it save for in those moments when it all comes together and the little smile you’re carrying about in your heart turns up on your face without you even meaning it to.

I used to think (or at least I thought for a long time) that happiness was about nothing more than moments and that the best you could ever hope for was ‘being without feeling’ punctuated by a few moments of ‘happy’ and even more moments of ‘sad’. It occurred to me today that I only thought that because I was depressed. Depression kills hope – that’s how it works, how it keeps hold of you for so long, how it takes over your life.

Now I know that happiness is about more than a few random moments in life – happiness exists in the moments you remember you’re happy the rest of the time. Happiness is what happens when the chinks of light get through so hope can grow. Happiness is safe, and warm, and content even when sad creeps in – it’s what helps you chase the sad away.

Happiness is being without having to worry about feeling.

I could lose myself trying to figure out where happy came from – it could be this thing, or that thing; or person x, or person y. Christ it might just be the happy pills. But what if (and this, I think is the likeliest) it’s about everything coming together and fighting a path back to my tired black heart so the sunshine can find it’s way through again? It’s pretty AWESOME when you come to think about it.

I leave you tonight with a sad little song, maybe the saddest song I’ve ever heard. The moral of the story? WeeGee is always going to love a sad song no matter how happy she is. Which is really just to say that she always comes back to herself in the end.

Love you lots and lots xoxoxo

A whole load of awesome awesomeness

Today I have been mostly flying by the seat of my pants. I’m usually pretty good at flying by the seat of my pants but emailing a duly signed contract out at 16.58 when the deadline is 17.00 is a little bit too seat of my pants even for my liking. I’ll tell you what though – when you spend most of your working day feeling a bit on edge you’re left with vast quantities of energy at the end of it. And vast quantities of energy in WeeGee land can mean only one thing: A whole load of AWESOME AWESOMENESS. I do enjoy the odd bout of AWESOME AWESOMENESS.

I suppose I should write something sensible about the last couple of days because I think sense left the building for a while resulting in a couple of nonsensical posts. The pressure is really on now, isn’t? I’ve only gone and promised that I’ll say something sensible when you are well aware that there can be no such guarantees as far as WeeGee is concerned….. Anyway – the first sensible thing to say is that I made a bit of a mistake – that age old WeeGee mistake of responding far too strongly to the words and actions of other people. The second sensible thing to say is that I’m going to try and remember not to make that mistake again because WeeGee knows far better than to let the words and actions of other people overwhelm her so much that she hides in her hidey hole for a few days.

To be fair, the past few days haven’t been all bad – mostly I’ve just been feeling quiet, thoughtful and not much in the mood for human company. I’ve decided that it is definitely okay to feel like that every once in a while because everybody needs some space from time to time. Even the mental people. Allowing myself to have some space to feel quiet, and think about things, and come to one or two decisions is a positive thing because it means I’ve finally turned into the kind of person who can give herself space, feel a bit quiet, have a little think and make some decisions without considering leaping off a tall thing whilst she’s about it. I guess what I’m saying is that WeeGee’s progress continues apace which I’m sure you’ll agree is pretty damn AWESOME.

As for today? AWESOMENESS has been the order of the day. I’ve bounced around all over the place getting things done, and being hilarious, and maybe being a teeny tiny bit irritating because although a bouncing WeeGee is all AWESOME and super efficient, she is also a teeny tiny bit irritating. Hey – at least I’m upfront about my faults My only regret this week is that when I was in hiding mode I decided not to make any exciting social plans but it’s only a small regret because I’ve got Masterchef to keep me entertained and a mostly AWESOME Bank Holiday weekend to look forward.

Meanwhile in other news I suppose I should confess that along with the bouncing around comes a little touch of recklessness which means I’ve had to promise not to do anything reckless like dye my hair blue, or have a full facial tattoo, or buy a brand new Audi on hire purchase. Nothing else to report save that the sun is shining, WeeGee is feeling AWESOME and all is well with the world.

Cheerie bye my sweetie pies xoxoxxo

Furtive little feelings

Today I have mostly been doing my best ‘mouse who roared’ act because from a work point of view it doesn’t matter how nice you try to be about things every once in a while you’ll have to stand up and remind the nasty bully boys upstairs that you are quite capable of answering back and sticking up for yourself thank you very much. Anyway, the headline from work today is that if you’re going to pick a fight with WeeGee you should probably make sure you’re in the right first because if you’re not in the right WeeGee is bright enough not only to prove it, but also to make TOTAL mincemeat of your argument whilst ‘accidentally’ making you look like a fool in front of Mrs Scary Boss Lady into the bargain.

In summary? WeeGee 1, Nasty Bully Boys Upstairs 0…..

Nasty Bully Boys aside, I’m quite enjoying work again at the moment. I got a little tired of it all and lost my mojo* for a little while but I’m well and truly back now. I’ve been wondering how much further I can realistically go from a career point of view without harming my mental health, mainly because of a throw away comment about my potential and how my health impacts upon it. At the end of my wonder I’m left wondering if it really matters, because I’m good at what I do, and I enjoy my job and I’m not exactly earning starvation wages. It occurs that if I was really genuinely ‘career minded’ I’d be practicing law in some dry and dull corporate environment right now – I don’t think the six figure salary would make up for how miserable that would be in reality. For a start, I don’t suppose the hilarious sticky bogey joke would go down very well in a dry and dull corporate environment and what is life without regular outings of the hilarious sticky bogey joke anyway? That there ends yet another of WeeGee’s infamous little thinks. I think.

I’m aware that I’m still hiding in my little hidey hole today. I tend to mark hiding down as a bad thing but right now I’m glad of my little hidey hole because it’s keeping the world out when I need to keep it out – sometimes it’s better to hide and be safe than to let the world get the better of you. I think that might be an important recovery lesson: accept the mental stuff and give it some space but don’t ever, ever let it take charge. Maybe that’s the only rule you need if you hope to survive broken brain.

I’m finding myself interesting at the moment – or more accurately, being me suddenly feels interesting. I’ve stumbled across weird things like complexities of feeling and trust and hope and things that normal people do so easily. It isn’t easy for me, but I’m doing it regardless. I’m not quite fearless because that would be a huge leap, but fear is on the back burner. Which is new to me.

Tonight I’m wondering if I really like where I got to, because I’m still all vulnerable and that’s the last thing I want to be. Then again, I’m surviving it and you can’t say fairer than that…..

Sometimes I think I forget how far I’ve come, or how capable I am, or how I’ve survived stuff that most people can’t even imagine. I guess what I’m saying is that I might be a bit wobbly but I’m totally AWESOME regardless.

Here’s a little song. It’s a nice little song:

Loadsa love and night night. WeeGee xoxoxo