IRL Update

 

I can’t believe how much time has passed since my last post. I’m not entirely sure what I’ve mostly been being in the time that’s intervened apart from maybe busy and very definitely not blogging….

One thing’s for sure – it’s been all go here in WeeGee land, which seems to be the norm all of a sudden. In the few short years since I started blogging I seem to have transformed from a small, quiet, insignificant person who just wanted to hide in her bed into a small, quiet significant person who occasionally wishes that she actually had any time to hide in her bed. Maybe that’s the only difference between me when I’m well and me when I’m not well. I don’t know, I guess I’m still trying to figure that one out.

The move seems like a dim and distant memory – we’ve been here almost two months now but if you told me we’d been here FOREVER it wouldn’t seem like an outlandish claim. Fleet became home without me even realising it, and living with Mr Awesome Thing Number Five hasn’t really been the challenge I was expecting. Don’t get me wrong, we’ve had our moments, but for the most part we’re just rubbing along together the way we always did. I can’t imagine a time that’ll ever change but I can’t help being on my guard against things suddenly changing. On the one hand that could be a bad thing, but on the other hand all it really means is that I’m aware and that I’m willing to put the work in. I think he is too. So that’s all right then, isn’t it?

Of course there’s the new job to mention. What can I say? Starting a new job is one of the oddest things you can do because for the first few days EVERYTHING is odd. The people are odd, the technology is odd, the office is odd, even the tea making facilities are odd. Of course it’s only odd because it’s different from the old place and in no time at all it’s the old place that seems odd. Such is the nature of change I guess. I’ve only been in the job for a couple of weeks and it still feels new and it still feels odd but I also feel like it’s going to be AWESOME and not just because they use SharePoint properly and have some excellent records management software for me to play with….

Anyway – as far as the IRL update goes, that pretty much covers the headlines. I’m aware that I should think about doing an ‘in WeeGee’s head’ update at some point soon but I don’t think I’m quite ready yet. For the most part everything is absolutely fine, mostly because of the IRL stuff. But there’s this other part, it’s only a teeny tiny little part – the broken part, I guess. Recently, I’ve been thinking that it never goes away. There’s a hole at the heart of me, and it’s always there, no matter how small…..

Meanwhile in other news there is nothing else to report today save that I love you all lots like Jelly Tots.

WeeGee xoxoxo

 

 

 

 

Who are you calling weird?

Since last I wrote I have mostly been thinking that I really shouldn’t leave it so long before I blogged again….

I’m not quite ready for another update yet – I’ve got stuff to tell you about, for sure, but you know – recalibrating brain and all that. Anyhow, as luck would have it I’ve got a perfect excuse to write a little post because there’s this whole Weird Wednesday thing going on. And yes – I know it’s Thursday today. Weird Wednesday on a Thursday – how does that grab you for weird?!

The prompt for this week is as follows:

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Weirdest thing about you that other people don’t usually know

Believe me, I’ve thought about this one long and hard and the thing is, I pretty much wear my weird on my sleeve so I’m not entirely sure that there is anything weird about me that my nearest and dearest don’t already know about. So I’m terrified of feet but that’s no secret, I HATE it when people don’t close drawers and cupboards but I HATE it so much that I make my feelings known, I ABSOLUTELY refuse to have the ‘big light on but again, that’s just one of those things about me that may well be weird but is very definitely known….. I asked Mr Awesome Thing Number Five what he thought was the weirdest thing about me. He suggested that it’s the fact that I don’t use water when I brush my teeth but for my part I would argue that it isn’t weird AT ALL because water just dilutes the toothpaste anyway……

So – on reflection I have concluded that if there is anything weird about me, then people pretty much know about it already. So instead of that I’ve decided to have a bit of a rant about something about me THAT IS NOT WEIRD AT ALL but that other people seem to be completely unable to get their heads around. And it’s this:

I am thirty four years old and I am not, nor have I ever been, married. Nor do I have any children. Some people find that COMPLETELY and UTTERLY impossible to comprehend and assume that my life has been empty and loveless and unfulfilled and pretty much pointless. Those people are WRONG.

Who’d ever have thought that a person of the female persuasion could reach her thirties and have three graduate degrees, a career, friends, and loved ones and A LIFE OF HER OWN without having first made herself ‘Mrs’ somebody and a mummy to boot?

Apparently it’s weird and I am constantly subjected to ‘it’ll be you next’ comments at weddings and baby related events. I’m usually pretty polite about it but here in this little corner of wordpress I’m going to ‘fess up. When people say those things to me I would like to tell them to FUCK RIGHT OFF before administering a short, sharp, poke in the eye.

So there you go. Society tells me that being my age, unmarried and childless is weird. I say…. Fuck a duck – life feels pretty damn good to me.

The end.

Love you lots like jelly tots,

WeeGee xoxox

 

 

 

Excuse me…. You. Are. Annoying. Me.

Since last I wrote I have mostly been feeling guilty about not writing. I’ve got at least a million and one half written posts kicking about in draft form, and another three squillion notes to try and make sense of but when it came down to it my head was too busy being empty, and I was too busy being busy and every post I tried to write turned in to yet another post that simply wasn’t meant to be….. I’m not sure I’ve got too much to say yet but I’m going to give it a go anyway….

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Believe it or not it’s been four whole weeks since the big move. Surbiton is no more, living by myself is no more, my lovely little flat is no more, and WeeGee’s old life is pretty much no more. To be honest I think it took a little while for the enormity of things to start to sink in. There was so much to do – leading up to the move, during the move, and after the move – that my poor old broken brain didn’t have so much as a minute to figure out what the hell was hitting it. I think it would be fair to say that the last week or so has been quiet, hidey, and thoughtful because when so much hits your brain all at once it’s hardly surprising that you need a bit of quiet, hidey and thoughtful time to make sense of it all.

Things have changed in my life and even although I am one hundred percent sure that the changes have been for the better I still felt like I needed to recalibrate to how things are now. Changes rarely happen over night and where I am right now has been a very long time coming. I had to get better, I had to get to know myself and I had to find the courage to let other people know me too. I had to be brave enough to make some BIG decisions and strong enough to stand by them. I had to leap and wait to see if the net was going to appear. Thankfully it did but now I feel like I need to step back and take a few deep breaths.

A while ago I wrote about how everything in my life was up for grabs – where I lived, who I lived with, how I lived, and how I went about making that living. It seemed bonkers at the time because I liked where I lived, and who I lived with* and how I lived and how I made my living. As for now – well, it’s all changed and I definitely like it a whole lot better now. As for what next – it’s time for a new routine, and different plans and most of all it’s about my future. I don’t know what it’s going to be like but for the first time in a very long time I’m looking forward to every single minute of it…..

Meanwhile in other news I would like to report that Mr Awesome Thing Number Five does indeed have a number of annoying habits that I’m doing my very best to learn to live with.

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Nothing else to report today save that it’s okay, because I know I have just as many, if not more, annoying habits than him.

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Love you all lots like Jelly tots,

 

WeeGee xoxox

 

*Which was myself and my cat. What else does a WeeGee need?!

 

 

 

 

Seven weeks of weird – week one

Hello, hello. How do you all fancy a little bit of weird for not much of a change?

My good blogging buddy, none other than the very esteemed Mental Mama is hosting an awesome little challenge that goes by the name of ‘Seven weeks of weird’. You can read all about it here, if so you wish.

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Needless to say I decided to take part – mostly because I like weird, but also because I’m so good at weird I’m not entirely convinced that seven weeks is going to be enough to fit all of my weird into….

Anyhow – for my first prompt I’m required to tell you all about the weirdest food or food combination that I like that everyone else thinks is nasty.

Here’s the thing, and the thing is a bit of a confession. I LOVE the Toby Carvery and I love it even though I know that it’s mostly nasty. For me, the Toby Carvery is the pot noodle of eating out. It’s cheap, it isn’t always cheerful, but man does it hit the spot…. Look! This is what you get!

toby carvery plate

I’m assuming my overseas readers will have no idea what the Toby Carvery is? Put simply it’s an all you can eat roast dinner buffet type place. You grab a plate choose from beef, chicken, gammon, and pork (or any combination therof), and then pile on whatever random selection of potato and vegetable accompaniments takes your fancy. IT DOESN’T EVEN MATTER IF THEY MATCH.

Best of all, you get to mix up your sauces in a way that is normally scorned upon in polite society. My personal preference is to take chicken gravy and cranberry sauce with beef…. JUST BECAUSE I CAN.

So yeah – I love the Toby Carvery. I love the freedom to eat stuff you aren’t meant to eat together IN PUBLIC, and I love the fact that you can eat EXACTLY as much as you want to (even if that happens to be a child sized portion) and I LOVE the fact that most sensible people hate it….. because it usually means I’m the most sensible person in the whole place. And when do I ever get to say that?!

Love you all lots, like Jelly Tots

WeeGee xoxoxo

 

 

 

 

Hard work, but good work

Since last I wrote I have mostly been being busy. I have also mostly been being without broadband – for TWENTY WHOLE DAYS. I swear to god you cannot begin to imagine how TRULY AWFUL that actually was. I spent days and days of my life trying not to be sarcastic to the tech dudes on the phone, but they were TOTAL freaking idiots and they were VERY VERY lucky not to get a poke in the chuffing eye….

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Anyways – I’m back online now*, I’ve written my highly sarcastic email of complaint, and I’m starting to run out of busy so I decided that now was as good a time as any for a little update from WeeGee land.

I suppose the headline is that I’m all moved in and pretty much settled here in the new place with Mr Awesome Thing Number Five and, to cut a long story short, it’s AWESOME. Don’t get me wrong, the unpacking was a right royal pain in the backside, and there are still a few stray boxes kicking about but, you know, it feels a lot like home and he and I are rubbing along quite nicely together. We’re a pretty good team when all’s said and done.

I won’t lie – all this living together stuff is making for one heck of an adjustment. I knew I’d gotten used to living by myself, and I knew living with Mr Awesome Thing Number Five was going to be a HUGE change and a HUGE challenge. I’m working hard to mitigate, to make allowances, to compromise. I’m also working hard to look after myself and to give myself the priorities and space that I need. The thing is, it feels like working hard is worth every single ounce of effort it takes at the moment. Put simply – I’m having to work at life right now but life is good regardless.

It’s been a while since my last post and I’m a little rusty at this blogging lark so this was only ever going to be a short one. Will it do?

I’ll be back again in no time at all, just you wait and see. In the meantime, here’s a pretty little song:

Love you all lots like jelly tots

WeeGee xoxo

 

 

 

*Praise be

 

A teeny tiny post from my new home

Since last I wrote, a little over a week ago, I have mostly been moving into my shiny new flat with Mr Awesome Thing Number Five. It’s been a funny old week filled with mostly highs, a couple of lows, and the occasional outbreak of wibbly wobbly wobbling…..

As it turned out, leaving my old flat behind wasn’t anywhere close to the emotional roller coaster I’d prepared myself for. In the end I pulled the door shut behind me and stepped out into my new life without so much as a second thought. Yet more proof, I think, that fear of ‘the thing’ is nearly always worse than ‘the thing’ itself. As for how I’m feeling now we’ve been in the place for a little while? I suppose it’s a fairly standard mixture of nerves and excitement.

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I’m excited because I’m in my shiny new flat and sharing my life with Mr Awesome Thing Number Five and I’m nervous because, you know, I have no idea how this is going to turn out and if it turns out badly I might not be able to cope and if I can’t cope I might get unwell again and if I get unwell again I might not be able to get better again and……blah blah blah. It doesn’t matter how awesome things are the same old worries swim around in your head if you let them.

Anyway – the headline for today is that we’re in, we seem to have managed to get in without any major mishaps, and we don’t seem to be driving one another mad yet. There’ll be more soon but for now, I’m afraid the only thing I’ve got going on here is happily ever after (so far).

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Love you all lots like jelly tots,

WeeGee xoxox

All the things

The eagle eyed amongst you have probably noticed a sudden glut of posts here on How do you eat an elephant? I don’t know what’s gotten into me all of a sudden although I must confess that hitting the five hundred follower mark has spurred my blogging mojo on a little* It’s also fair to say that I’ve got time on my hands at the moment mostly because I went into super organised mode and I’ve pretty much packed the flat up two days ahead of schedule. This is a remarkable feat of achievement, particularly when you consider that I’m always spectacularly late. For EVERYTHING.

late

Anyway…. it turns out milestones are catching because after discovering my little blog had 500 followers the other day we’ve only gone and reached another. This post here, the one you’re reading right now is post number 250. This is another remarkable feat of achievement by the way because it means that blogging wasn’t just another of my many passing obsessions. Two years ago I started something AWESOME that I’m still doing today which, given the way my brain usually works, is pretty AWESOME in itself.

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So. To celebrate all of these milestones I’ve decided that it’s time we shook things up a bit. Of course How do you eat an elephant? is, and always will be, primarily about WeeGee’s adventures in being a mental person. But there’s an awful lot more to WeeGee and I think it’s about time those things got a look in too. To be honest, I’m thinking I might take a leaf out of Mental Mama’s book** with some regular features and one or two writing challenges***. I think it’s also time I shut my other blogs down and brought all of the content under this one umbrella: brace yourselves for recipes, food porn, book reviews and the occasional political rant.

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It’ll be great, sorta like How do you eat ALL the elephants…… Who’s in? Oooooh. Which reminds me: anyone out there interested in guest posting here. I think that would be a lot of fun…..

Anyway. I’m pretty sure this is going to be my last post before the move**** and possibly for a while because I’m going to have NO INTERNET for a couple of days*****. What can I say? I’ll see you on the other side. It’s going to be AWESOME.

Love you all lots, like jelly tots.

WeeGee xoxo

*I’m still super excited about that.
**Y’all know the Mama, right?
***But not the Daily Post. Definitely not the Daily Post.
****Fuckity fuck this is actually happening.
*****Please pray for me.

 

 

What the heartbreak left behind

Since last I wrote I have mostly been being sentimental because when all’s said I’m done the WeeGee is nothing if not a sentimental old fool….

As I write I’m sitting in my packed up living room, trying to come to terms with the fact that it very nearly isn’t my living room anymore. It’s worth mentioning, I think, that tonight is the LAST EVER night I will spend alone in this little flat that I’ve come to call home.

I moved in here a little over three years ago at a time when (and I don’t mean to be melodramatic) it felt like my whole life was falling apart. It wasn’t just that a relationship had come to an end – although with hindsight I know that the grief that came with that was a large part of it – I’d lost friendships, support structures, routines, every single reference point that I thought I could rely on. I was all at sea and there was no shore, or at least no shore that I could find. I’d been lost before, plenty of times in fact, but when I moved here I was lost in a whole new way – mostly because I was lost alone.

Of course the heartbreak subsided because that’s what it does – it was that thing that people talked about when it first happened ‘time’. I didn’t believe them then and if it happened all over again I still wouldn’t believe them because the heart doesn’t learn lessons nearly as well as the brain does. I guess you need the time to happen before you believe it’s going to help.

Once the heartbreak was over I didn’t feel like I’d been left with very much – a silent flat and a WeeGee who not only had no idea who she was anymore but who also didn’t really care was pretty much all I had in my head for the longest time. It was the worst of me – the worst of who I’ve been and worst of who I can be. Everything was nothing and it wasn’t so much that I wanted to be dead. I just didn’t care one way or another. My brain has taken me to some spectacularly awful places but this was the first time that I didn’t feel that I had anything to get better for. I’d been unwell before, sure, but there had always been people around to save me. This time, all I had was myself and I’d never much cared for her

Needless to say, I’ve learned an awful lot since I moved to Kingston. I learned how to be with myself, and how to let myself be who I am, and, to a certain extent, how to forgive myself. I’ve learned how to put one foot in front of the other JUST FOR ME. Most importantly of all, I’ve learned how to save myself from the worst my brain has to throw at me.

I thought I was going to hate living alone, and for a long time, I did. But eventually I realised that I needed to be alone because I’d become so used to fitting in around other people that I had no idea how to be me when the other people weren’t around anymore. On reflection, maybe that’s the most important lesson I learned here: I matter. And I matter whether there is anyone else in my life or not.

At this point, it seems worth a bit of fast forwarding because the time I spent alone, coming to terms with myself and working out who I might be if I ever grow up put me in a new place. It put me in a place where I was ready to meet Mr Awesome Thing Number Five, who, I would like to put on record, is the love of my life. I don’t love Mr Awesome Thing Number Five because he loves me and I don’t adapt myself or lose anything of me in loving him. I bring as much to his life as he brings to mine – I’ve never had that before because I never cared enough for myself before. I’ve always been too willing to please and too quick to compromise no matter what the consequences. Who knew that you had to learn to love yourself before you could make space to love any one else?

Living in this little flat gave me my life back and helped me to learn lessons that I might not otherwise have learned. What it also did is give me the opportunity to move on sensibly in a grown up and deeply loving relationship that has a future. Being heartbroken seems like a lifetime ago but it gave me things that I never thought I would have. Nothing you ever feel is wasted; everything you survive is significant. Hope is the most important thing of all.

Lots of love, WeeGee xoxoxo

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Thank you from the very bottom of the bottom of my heart

One day in April 2012 I decided to start a blog. I called it ‘how do you eat an elephant?’* and I had no idea WHATSOEVER how much it would come to mean to me.

When I started writing I was in a pretty bad place and I was trying to find a way – any way – to put my life back together. Here’s the thing…. 26 months later and I’ve managed to put my life back together and them some. In your face my broken brain: IN YOUR FACE.

Blogging has taught me all kinds of things – perspective, and how to be engaged, and how to reflect on the things in my head. Starting my blog has been the single best thing I’ve ever done for my mental health. Ever, ever, ever. I’d recommend it to all of the mental people….

Anyway – it’s late and I don’t have an awful lot to say apart from the fact that I woke up this morning to discover that FIVE HUNDRED whole people have clicked the follow button on my blog since I started writing.

500 followers

FIVE HUNDRED!

So yeah, thank you to each and every one of you from the very bottom of the bottom of my heart. I’m feeling very proud of myself tonight, and very grateful to each and every one of you for your support. My favourite thing about blogging is all the wonderful, super, brilliant and AWESOME people I’ve been lucky enough to get to know because of it. That’s you lot, by the way. So thank you, lots of love and hugs and…. did I mention you are AWESOME?

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Normal service will be resumed shortly….

Love you all lots and lots like at least a million jelly tots

WeeGee xoxox

 

*Bite by bite

Guacamole

Since the last time I wrote I have mostly been being wide awake.

To be fair, insomnia and I are pretty well acquainted – it’s been part of my life for as long as I can remember. I suppose it started during my late teens and took firm root when I was at University, but I’m pretty sure it was present even before that. Then again, I’m not sure how much of that was only a little girl who loved her book so much that she didn’t want the story to end just yet….

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Sometimes being wide-awake when the rest of the world is asleep is whatever the opposite of AWESOME is. Sometimes it feels like the biggest injustice that you’ve ever been dealt. Sometimes, most notably when your brain is in “I know, let’s jump out the window” mode, it feels pretty bloody dangerous. But sometimes, insomnia isn’t really as bad as all that. So long as you manage to get enough sleep to function* being awake in those silent, threadbare hours can actually be something of a blessing in disguise. Then again, maybe I’m only saying that because I’m a seasoned insomniac who knows the wide-awake club drill inside out.

Over the years I’ve learned a lot about dealing with sleeplessness. Warm baths, cool rooms, calm and quiet bedrooms: there is NOTHING I can’t tell you about ‘sleep hygiene’. And of course there’s self-soothing and mindfulness to throw in to the mix because is there anything mental that doesn’t need a spot of self-soothing and mindfulness throwing at it already? Sometimes one of those things, or a combination of those things will work but other times there’s only one thing for it – you just have to accept that you are awake and put the time to good use. Which is what I’ve been trying to do these past few days.

My brain is busy at the moment. I’ve got all kinds of things swimming around in my head – stuff about the move, stuff about work, stuff about the past, and stuff about the future. Stuff, stuff and triple stuff. And as much as I know that it’s the stuff that’s keeping me awake, I also know that I’m not going to sort the stuff out during the day what with the people, and the noise, and the life going on around me. So, when you’re tucked up in your bed sending up the zs? I’m busy putting my head in order and lining up my ducks. Trust me, the thinking time insomnia gives me is what’s keeping me sane at the moment. Plus, if I run out of thinking to do, there’s always the Internet.

Insomnia 2

Anyhoo….. Apart from the whole chronically awake thing, I’m doing remarkably well. The move is now ONE WEEK AWAY, there are still a million and one things to do, and it’s just starting to dawn on me that I’m leaving my beloved Kingston behind. I’m still monumentally rubbish at endings, and I still feel slightly tearful every time I remember that this particular chapter in my life is coming to an end. I came to Kingston to put myself back together so it does, and always will mean an awful lot to me. That said, I keep reminding myself that I wanted to put myself back together again so that I could go about living my life again, and this move, is the first big step on that particular journey.

Meanwhile in other news I’m pretty sure that once I’m all moved and settled** I’ll finally have the time and space to get back to regular blogging. At the moment I only manage to pop up every once in a while to let you know that I’m still here, that I’m still mental, and I’m still doing an AWESOME job of coping with stuff – there’s SO much else I want to share with you but right now, I just don’t have the space. Nothing else to report today save that I’ve been struck by how FANTASTIC and AWESOME my SUPER LOVELY blogging buddies are:

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Oh – and just in case you’re still wondering where the title of this post comes into it I refer you to this song. It’s about insomnia. Sorta:

Love you all like lots and lots of jelly tots

WeeGee xoxoxox

*And believe me, you’d probably be surprised how little that is

**Next to no time, I’m sure :-/