When I started blogging I promised myself that I wasn’t going to write something chronicling the poor state of my mental health because I wanted to record the positives and chart my progress. This is all well and good, but has made putting together an instalment for this weekend a little challenging….
Most of Saturday was a write off. I got a few things done early on and even had an enjoyable outing with a friend but after that was done with hope abandoned me and I spent the rest of the day in hiding. It was a bit of a blow after all the energy of the last few weeks to find myself battling the familiar thoughts and feelings again– above all else I was disappointed to be back in the pit and felt that all of my efforts so far had been a waste of time. I felt defeated and foolish and although I knew I needed to hold on it was a real struggle to find something to hold on to.
I woke on Sunday surrounded by a shrug and spent most of the morning trying to work out what had been the catalyst for this sudden dampener on proceedings – why did I feel so incapable, and more to the point, why was I so willing to give in to the darkness? I still don’t have the answers to these questions, and to be honest, I had to make a conscious decision to stop thinking about it because it was getting me nowhere fast. In the end, I accepted that I was having a bad day and that it was perhaps inevitable that things couldn’t stay quite so up for quite so long.
I had to work very hard to get through Sunday, but I did get through. Moreover, I got through it reasonably well (three square meals and a trip to the outside world) When the evening came around I was content to regard the day as one of quiet reflection – it hadn’t been the best of days but, looking on the bright side, I hadn’t come anywhere close to jumping off the cliff.
I think I’ll need to be honest and keep an eye on myself for a while but hopefully this has just been a very brief interlude and the sinking feeling will lift a little again. I’m feeling a bit brighter today so for now the weekend gets put down to experience and it’s upwards and onwards for me once more.