I’m not okay at the moment, and I know I’m not okay because I am doing a very good job of pretending to be okay. It seems to me that the less okay I am, the better I get at pretending to be okay and I think this might be yet another way that my brain has found of doing exactly the opposite of what’s expected of it. Pah!
On the surface, I suppose things aren’t too bad. I’m eating enough and sleeping enough to mean that I only need to apply a half tonne of blusher before I can leave the flat without fear of frightening small children; the bills are paid and the post is being opened; there are groceries in the fridge; I’m keeping appointments and taking my meds; I’m clean and my flat’s clean; I’ve done nothing to hurt myself for a few weeks; I’m sober. But inside, it’s all just wrong. I really can’t think of a better way to put it – wrong pretty much covers it. I’ve tried explaining ‘wrong’ to all kinds of people before – friends, family, doctors, counsellors and once a bloke I met in a pub* – but people don’t seem to be able to get it. They want to know ‘what’s’ wrong and all I can say is that ‘it’s just wrong’.
Apart from feeling wrong I’m still a jumpy, jittery mess and I don’t like being jumpy and jittery. It’s the opposite of what being me is usually like and I feel kind of dangerous with it. Feeling like you want to smash your whole world up is manageable when all you have the energy to do is lie face down on the bed, but when you’re wired and full of restlessness you begin to be afraid of what you’ll do next. Energy and thoughts of flinging yourself under a bus really don’t mix too well together, do they? Does that make any sense at all? Or have I gone ‘wrong’ again?!
If I’m honest there’s also whole lot of stuff that I need to work out – how I feel about some stuff and what I’m going to do about some other stuff – but I can’t seem to work any of it out with the world continuing apace around me. A bit of a breather would be just super right now, so if anybody out there has worked out a magic way of making the world stop for a little while, I’d be forever grateful if you could let me know. In the meantime I’m going to listen to Belle and Sebastian singing about stopping the world, because I want to and because I can…..
Lots of love from (a slightly overwhelmed and tired) Wee Gee x
*It wasn’t one of my finest hours