I’m sorry that I haven’t written a proper post for a while. It hasn’t been for the want of trying, it’s just that every time I sat down to write everything went and fell out my head, or at least everything that was left after flat and empty had taken up the ridiculous amount of space they seem to require at the moment.
It’s been a funny few days (funny peculiar not funny ha ha). My brain seems to be settling into a new routine which is essentially two reasonable days followed by an absolute shocker. I’m taking this as a positive because it’s better than three straight shockers, right?
I was on annual leave on Friday. I’d had it booked for ages, but by the time it came around I couldn’t actually remember why. Still, it worked out okay in the end because I got to watch most of the tennis on a proper TV* and I didn’t have to take any time out of a working day to visit Mr Clever, the psychiatrist. I haven’t mentioned Mr Clever yet, have I? We have a love hate relationship…. No actually, scrub that we have a hate relationship insofar as that I hate him. I hate him primarily because he wears a bow tie, which may be irrational, but then I am talking about my psychiatrist here. When I first met him, I tried to give him the benefit of the doubt by thinking that he was wearing it in an ironic way, but he definitely isn’t. Mr Clever is a real life actual person who wears a bow tie to work every day and it tells me something about him that I don’t like. At this point I apologise for any offence caused to bow tie wearers, but seriously – what is it all about? Anyway, as far as I can tell I have to pole up at Mr Clever’s office at regular intervals to confirm in person that I haven’t topped myself yet. It’s an easy enough duty to fulfil, particularly given that I quite like hospitals. On another positive note he doesn’t ask me to tell him ‘how I feel about that’ which is a sure fire way to make me giggle because it reminds me of an episode of Monk.
I spent Friday evening in the pub** watching tennis on an iPad because the pub’s TV was broken***. It was good fun and it reminded me of how far I’ve actually come with some things in the last year. This time last year I couldn’t watch Wimbledon without thinking about jumping off a tall building, because it brought back some unhappy memories of happier times and because I was heartbroken and mental. I’ve hardly thought about any of those (un)happy times this year which must prove that the memories are dealt with and that I’m just plain old fashioned mental now. I think I like it better this way.
Saturday was a day of high excitement in the Wee Gee household because Alan the Ocado man brought my groceries. This is the most boring story I’ve told yet on my blog but I’m going to plough on and tell it anyway…. At the beginning of each month I do a massive online shop and fill up all my cupboards and my larder**** and then I spend a few hours unpacking it and organising the cupboards/larder. That’s the story. The reason I mention it is that it is an important event on the ‘looking after Wee Gee calendar’ because it means that all the ingredients for the ‘looking after Wee Gee meal plan’ are in the flat and all I need to do is make sure I make it to the supermarket once a week to stock up on fresh fruit and vegetables. It sets me up for the month ahead, and I always feel organised and in control on Ocado man Saturday. I told you it was boring!
Once the shopping was unpacked I spent some time learning how to draw a bird, and then had a pleasant afternoon wandering down by the river with my thoughts – it was nice to be with myself without driving myself mad. Saturday evening was a tense affair what with the tennis and all. I was glad that Murray won even if I do hate him. I hate Andy Murray because he is sullen and belligerent which I guess is a better reason for hating someone than the fact that they wear a bow tie!
And then came Sunday which was the shocker in the pack. My mood was back to flat and empty and I couldn’t bring myself to care about anything – I had deserted myself. Needless to say I spent Sunday following the well rehearsed routine aimed at keeping Wee Gee away from the cliff edge. I don’t need to go into details here, but I mostly approached Sunday in increments. Increments works quite well for me on occasion, and really just means I try to have a ‘normal’ day interjected with periods of hiding. As you can probably tell, given that I’m writing this, I weathered the storm and arrived at Monday intact.
The only significant thing to report about Monday is that I started the 10,000 steps challenge today. By way of background, about two months ago I decided to get involved in a challenge whereby I have to take at least 10,000 steps every day for six weeks and fundraise for Mind at the same time. Looking back it seems clear that I was in a Citalopram induced fit of enthusiasm when I signed up. Nevertheless I’m signed up now so I have to go through with it and I intend to do my best to raise the modest sum of one hundred smackers for Mind. There are two potential difficulties with this. The first is the very real prospect that I go into hiding during the challenge. I do a lot of pacing when I’m in hiding but I can’t imagine that I do 10,000 steps worth of pacing. The second is that no-one sponsors me, which would be awful not least because it would just confirm my suspicions that everybody I know actually hates me. On both points I’m just going to have to wait and see and cross the bridges as I come to them.
Meanwhile in other news work is still a bit shit and the Man Who Know is still alive and that’s all I have to say about that. Nothing further to add today save that Mr Hilarious is back after a leave of absence and I didn’t realise how much I missed him until he came back.
Take care, Wee Gee.
*As opposed to on my PC at work or on an iPad
**But not in a boozy way
***No, I don’t know why we didn’t think to move to a different pub either
****I say larder, but I really just mean a part of my wardrobe that doesn’t have clothes in. My kitchen is tiny.