Fix me

Just so you know this isn’t going to be a particularly cheery one. Now you know….

You know how I love Frank Turner? Well here’s a Frank Turner song to get proceedings underway:

I love this song so very much for lots of different reasons, not least because I am of the delusional belief it’s actually about me. If only it was possible to ‘take away the part that hurts and let the rest remain’ things would be just fine and dandy for me. I’m not all rubbish, just a little bit rubbish. If I could just cut out the rubbish then I wouldn’t be rubbish at all. So yeah, fix me please.

I’ve been in hiding. It didn’t really occur to me that I was doing it until Mr Friendly pointed it out to me, mostly I think because it’s been a different kind of hiding. But I’ve been withdrawing from people, and things and from my blog – it all adds up to hiding, and I’m hiding because I simply can’t cope. Everything is futile and empty and there isn’t a point – to anything or to any of it. The only point is that you keep going even thought there isn’t a point. I can’t believe that I’m the only person who wonders why you keep on doing pointless things even though they’re pointless and there isn’t a point

I know what I need to do. I’ve had a broken brain for a very long time and, if nothing else, I know the drill. I don’t know why I’m not doing what I know I need to do. Maybe it’s that self sabotage button coming into play again? Or maybe it doesn’t matter whether I do what I need to do or not because it won’t change the fact that it’s pointless? I don’t suppose it matters because either way, I’m not going to do it, whatever it is. I know that much.

When I was a tiny little thing, I opened the back door of my parents’ house and a giant black bird fell out of the sky right before my very eyes and landed on the lid of the wheelie bin – stone dead. It should have been horrifying and maybe it was, in a way. But it also made a little bit of sense to me that a bird could just fall out of the sky like that, because even then I felt like I was right at the edge of something, ready to fall off.

Birds die and fall out of the sky; WeeGee lets go and falls off the edge of the world.

I told you it wasn’t going to be a cheery one, but hey – at least I’m not in hiding from my blog anymore…..

Lots of love from a tired but clinging on WeeGee xx

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16 comments

  1. I would have been highly amused to see a bird fall out of the sky dead, just for the sheer unexpectedness of it falling right in front of you. What are the odds on that? I would totally try to look it up… Also, it would make a great children’s book. Although the children’s book would probably have ended with the bird making a miraculous recovery and not actually being dead. Maybe something about meeting a possum and wanting to be just like it. I would probably have tried to write said children’s book before being distracted by something equally confusing or odds-defying.

    There is so much more to it than just the stark sadness of it (which of course I also recognize.) And the same is true of life.

  2. I’m sad that you are in a bad place at the moment. It’s my personal conviction that there are routes out: not easy routes, not routes that will make you feel better for ever, but something which makes you value yourself and allows you to give to other people too. I wouldn’t offer suggestions unless I wanted to sound a total pillock, but hope you find a wise person (maybe yourself in a wise moment) to point the right direction.

  3. The last time I took Prozac I went a bit looney, and considering we’re taliking ‘a bit looney’ by my usual standards that was pretty fucking looney 😀

    I completely agree, sometimes you just don’t want to say it, because saying it makes it real and that’s the last thing you feel like you need to happen. But you can’t make it go away and that’s where the Mr Friendlies of this world come in handy.

    Hugs back xxx

  4. I can’t remember what I was going to say. Fucking Prozac. Ahh yes. It seems everyone is haveing an escapey week. Thats what I’ve been doing, avoiding because I can’t think of the words and because I don’t want to see the words, because it wiil make the feelings I’ve been feeling real.
    I think sometimes it’s OK for our broken brains to have a break, but we need someone like Mr Friendly to point it out for us.
    Hugs xox

  5. OK. So let me preface this with – my entire comment is hypocritical because I get your exact feelings when my mood is low.

    But! OK. Let’s assume there is no point in a grand, universal, existential sense. Why don’t you create one? “I want my life to mean [X]” and then develop a plan to get there.

    Please feel free to ignore but my head feels clear today and that makes sense to me.

    Good luck.

    1. I won’t be ignoring you because that makes perfect sense to me. If I wasn’t so low that’s what I’d say to myself….. Sometimes you just need someone else to say it, so thank you lovely 🙂

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