Where my head is at

It gets tiring sometimes, doesn’t it? Being alive, and being mental, and having ‘things on your mind’. I feel like I’m unravelling. I want to gather myself up but somehow, I just can’t seem to manage it. I can’t make it stop. I can’t make it go away.

Do you know what I wish? I wish there was a way that I could just let people look in to my head so that they could see it all without me having to say it all. I don’t know how to say it, I really don’t. I like words and I know a lot of them but when it comes to what’s in my head I struggle to find the right ones.

Do you know what else I wish? I wish there was somebody out there who knew the answer to what’s in my head. I know that there isn’t an answer but I wish there was and I wish I could find the person who knows it. I suppose I’m still looking for somebody to save me with the answer. It’s stupid because I have no idea what the question is so how can I expect somebody to answer it for me?

I’m telling myself to ‘keep my head’ and that it will be ‘okay’. I’m trying not to think what ‘okay’ means. Does being okay mean that I stay alive or does it mean something different? I hope it means something different but I suspect it doesn’t. Is the point of being alive really nothing more than that you manage to stay alive? I don’t get it.

I’m sorry that I can’t find better words than that.

I’m sorry I’ve written a pointless post. I felt like I wanted to get something out, and I did – although I’m not entirely sure what I have achieved in the end. I suppose I wrote about nothing and nowhere. That’s where my head is at.

What can I say? Stay tuned for more pointless posts!

Lots of love from WeeGee xx

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23 comments

  1. Nothing pointless about it WeeGee. I think everybody that struggles like this wonders the same things. Getting it off your chest helps you, and somebody who may read it and realize they are not alone will be helped also. I often wonder what better really mean. Is it feeling good or just not awful?

  2. Have you ever imagined what it would feel like to suddenly and instantaneously become braindead? I wonder how we’d know what we “feel”… Like a newborn baby, for example. They have a completely undeveloped comprehensive ability. They pass gas and giggle. They get hungry and cry. But they have no memory of emotion because the ability to remember is not yet developed; they cannot process what they “like” or what they can’t stand, other than to react in a very basic, rudimentary way. Their existence is nothing more than instinct. There are no psychological “feelings ” involved…

    On several occasions throughout the course of my life, I have found myself momentarily dumb-struck and braindead, speechlessly void of any intelligent thought process. Every single time it happened, I had just been told by some random person that they “feel like (they) got hit by a Mack truck.”

    Pet peevet number one. The ultimate expression of collective stupidity I have found in the English language.

    I actually almost got hit by a Mack truck once. I was driving a two-door Nissan, riding no more than 18″ off the cement below. When I casually glanced over my left shoulder at a four-way stop and saw that dinosaur-sized grill six feet away from my face, not slowing down whatsoever, right before the driver over-corrected and catapaulted his grim reaper into the oncoming lane’s ditch, I had the deepest moment of clarity in ny entire life. I suddenly realized that being hit by a Mack truck would likely be the best way to go, honestly. I wouldn’t have time to feel the force of it. I would have left my body instantaneously, without a nanosecond of suffering. Truly, I hope it’s how I die.

    Does anyone realize how moronic it sounds to compare how badly we feel to the sudden collision of our skulls and a Mack truck?

    (Don’t be offended. I say stupid things too. I’m not hating on anybody, I’m just saying…)

    We tend to forget that sometimes, feelings are the only way we truly know we’re alive. We could all lay in bed all day in a diaper with no sense of hope or despair, not a care in the world or a thought on our mind… But what would be the point?

    I had a Creative Writing teacher my senior year in high school who once said that “If nothing else, write. If you can’t find motivation, if you can’t find the words to say how you feel, if you’ve lost your footing or just feel numb or simply don’t care, write. If you don’t know where to start, write. If you feel like you don’t make sense, write. The expression of our random thoughts flowing freely from our minds will always–inevitably, invariably–lead us to our deeper truths. Free form. Start with one word. Meaningful or not. And don’t stop until you fill one whole page. Do that on a routine basis, and you’ll discover what questions your heart is asking, and the answer is always the question.”

      1. The language differences yet again! They are also called semi trucks here also. I did a google search and discovered that in the UK they are called articulated lorries?

      2. That’s comical. 🙂

        I spend approximately 57.9% of my time feeling the same way. Numb but aching, compelled to say something that words can’t quite convey.

        I’m not sure if “okay” simply means living, or something different… I believe it is different for everyone. For me though, I’m convinced it’s something different. And that alone is faith. Hope your own truths come to you soon.

        Sending love.

  3. There is someone who knows what is in your head without you saying a word. Someone who has the answers of what is in there too. But you have to be ready to listen. You would never again feel like no one knows what has really happened in your life, what hurt has been done, how it affects you. I hope you will not be offended by me saying this. But I find peace knowing this and help to sort it all out with God guiding me.;-)

    1. It doesn’t offend me at all. I think it makes a lot of sense that people find strength and courage in faith. I hope that it won’t offend you if I say that I don’t think that’s where my answer is going to come from though – I suppose we all have different answers eh?

      x

  4. I was talking to one of my good blogging friends this morning who has become attached to polyvore as a way of getting out thoughts/feelings when words seem to fail her. She creates these wonderful collages of images that just say so much. It has actually made me want to give it a go. Do you think that it might be beneficial for you right now to give it a go? May or may not help but I don’t think it’ll hurt to try x

    1. I really struggle to think in pictures… does that make sense. It’s good idea but I’m not sure I’d be able to it…. I should try though shouldn’t I? Like you said it can’t hurt xx

      1. Well how about I give it a go, you give it a go and we compare our attempts! Both of us may unlock something magical lol you never know! Are you feeling any better? X

        1. You never do know do you. I’ll see what I can do and will look forward to seeing your effort

          I’m feeling a lot better now – I just got myself all upset and in a state. Sorry I was even more of a weirdo than normal 🙂

          xx

      2. !! No need to apologise. Glad you’re feeling lots better. I do hope I wasn’t too much of a trigger the other night. Makes me sound really narcissistic but it can’t have helped. And hey I haven’t forgotten – still waiting on an email 😉 x

        1. I didn’t need a trigger – I was over the edge already!

          I haven’t forgotten either but I was a bit scared mainly because I’m an idiot! I’ll email you very soon 😀

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