Ancient history

I hate the past. Why can’t we just leave it behind? Why does what happened before have to matter to now? I loved history at school but I suppose that was because I was too young to have a history of my own then. I didn’t understand what the past was going to mean to me in the future.

Time again, eh? It makes your head explode.

This time two years ago I was happy. Truly – I was happy. Sure I had a broken brain but I was in charge – I was managing it and life was good. Then, one day it all changed. It really was as quick as that. One day I had one life and the next day I had another life. I never wanted the other life. I wasn’t built for it. You see this life that I have? I’m not supposed to be in it.

Let’s get rid of all that broken brain stuff. Broken brain is a big problem but, in the main scheme of things it’s the least of the things I have to worry about. The truth of it is, the biggest thing, and the rawest thing, and the thing that hurts the most is the fact that I am lonely.

I’m lonely because I’m alone. That stands to reason. I had a birthday the other day and do you know how many people I spoke to on my birthday? One. That’s one fellow human being – not just on any day, but on my birthday. By the way – I have two parents and one sibling. You can do the maths there, can’t you? I’m not a bad person. I’m not a horrible person. I’m just a frightened person. Or does being frightened make you bad and horrible? Is it another one of those rules that I don’t quite understand.

Where is everybody? Where are those people that I care so much for that it HURTS? Why do I care so much that it HURTS for people who aren’t even attached enough to drop me a line on my birthday? Why does any of this matter to me? If you tell people you don’t care about your birthday you shouldn’t be surprised that they don’t care either, should you?

What’s the matter with me?

I’m also lonely because my head seems to be different. It’s not that I think I’m special or unique – it’s just that my brain doesn’t seem to work like other peoples. Sometimes I say things and people look at me like I’m a freak or an alien or something. How do I always manage to get it so wrong? How did I end up being not real or proper? Am I really an alien from planet odd? Why can’t I be like everybody else?

Sometimes I’m not sure if I’m mental or just a bit of a weido… Either way, I don’t like it. I don’t like it at all.

Am I feeling sorry for myself? You betcha! Do I have good reason? Who knows?

Love from WeeGee – all mixed up and lonely and overwhelmed xxx

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31 comments

  1. Hmm. That’s interesting – it’s certainly one way to look at it.

    The trouble with philosophy, though, is that you only ever find ‘an’ answer never ‘the’ answer if you see what I mean?

    Interesting also that this chap claims to have found a magic cure to one of the most prevalent illnesses in the world. He should probably tell someone 😉

  2. What a terrible time you’re having. And that you had such a horrible day on your birthday just isn’t fair.
    A belated Happy Birthday to you! Hope your coming year is full of delights! ❀✿❀

  3. I think I would like to know you in real life. You seem like my kind of odd. And birthdays are over rated anyway. Buy yourself a present and a cake and to hell with everyone else!!!
    And I know that “incharge of the broken brain” feeling too. I was incharge of mind for a long time and then some M**********r ruined it.
    xoxoxox

    1. I think that would be tremendous fun! Just think – we’d never have to say anything again becuase we’d both ‘just know’. Magic!

      I bought myself a gift and some nice olives (I don’t have a sweet tooth at all) and yeah, to hell with everybody else.

      I am aware of M**********r’s. I met one of them myself btw 😀

      xxx

      1. Yeah, it would be. And those awkward moments of silence wouldn’t be that awkward either because we could just think and that would be fine.
        Oooo I like olives. Must be an alien thing. I bought myself a tattoo which I get next Friday! Hurrah!!!!!!
        xox

          1. I can’t wait!! I like having a legitimate excuse to be stabbed millions of times with a needle (most people would think there is something wrong with me, I know you undersatnd 😉 ) xox

  4. I’m sorry you’re feeling so miserable. I wish I had something to say to make it better. I want to give everybody a big mug of tea and a hug this evening. Maybe some cake. It sounds like everyone needs it. x

  5. Hugs beautiful…
    I hate loneliness… Like, makes me sometimes feel like a big giant failure. “If I wasn’t a failure I’d have lots and lots of friends, and never be lonely”. Popularity doesn’t equal success and I know that.
    Then I get a friend, and I say, “Sorry, I can’t come out to play, because [insert 1000000000000000000 excuses]” because I want alone, but not loneliness. Anyway, I moan all over your page… but yes, what I’m trying to say is, you’re not alone in your loneliness, or feeling like an alien or weirdo, and not liking it.
    I watch other people socialise and they seem to do so, so naturally, and I always have to put so much effort in because it seems alien to me. Sometimes I think I comprehend time more than I do other humans.
    I wish that you lived like, 10 minutes from me, so I could have forced my presence and presents on your on your birthday, because I would. I wouldn’t let you be alone, even if you told me to go away.
    xxxx

    1. You’re not moaning. You’re saying the bits I didn’t say! I wish you lived ten minutes away too – your presence would be enough – I get all anxious when people give me presents! I can’t imagine I’d ever tell you to go away xxx

  6. I’m sorry you are hurting so. You really don’t deserve to be hurting. Wish I could take some pain away. Plonking my ass down next to you for a bit x

  7. Hi WeeGee, I’ve read a few of your posts and I love your blog. It seems really honest, and a lot of things seem to relate to me (I am also suffering from depression). I have just started my own blog, as I hope it will help me to feel better, I hope yours is helping you! Keep blogging 🙂

    1. I like that you’re an elephant – I’m an elephant too! Good luck with your bog. I’m sure it will help. It’s that old maxim – better in than out! You take care now xx

  8. well you’re certainly not alone and I’m surprised there aren’t more names in that big book the psychiatrists read for this so they could have a special name for it besides loneliness…then everybody would want to have it. I know what you’re saying for I dread my b’day coming up and today is or was my wedding anniversary or it used to be but he died. So I get the loneliness even though people can be here too, I still am alone because no one gets me. I’ll go back to my fantasy world now.
    On a side note….you did do well with all those people at the Olympics when you were the one in control of the conversations. I’m still highly impressed as I also tend to get anxious getting to places too.
    Dot

    1. Oh Dot – It must be a tough old day for you. I’m thinking of you, I truly am. Don’t be alone – drop me a line if you want to talk. I Promise to listen xx

      Ps – I’m proud of my olympics performance. It’s amazing what you can do.

      Take care xxx

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