Living?

I’m in a bleak and vulnerable place. I don’t want that to rub off on anybody so skip over this one if you see fit….

I haven’t managed to blog for a couple of days because I haven’t had the mental capacity for it and, if I’m perfectly honest, I’m not altogether sure that I have the mental capacity for it now. Still, on account of the fact that no-one has invented a clever device that transfers my thoughts into a nice neat blog post yet I’m going to have to give it a go for myself.

Where to start? Hmm…. well, I suppose I could start with a confession.

I’m not being entirely honest with people about the place I’m in. I know that breaks so many of the ‘rules’, but I don’t really know what else to do apart from stick a smile on my face and say “I’m fine”. The alternative is saying “I’m hollow, and empty and I wish I wasn’t alive and there is nothing that can happen, or that you can say that will ever change any of that” Nobody wants to hear that, do they?

I know what people would say to me. They’d say that was ‘broken brain’ speaking’ and that you HAVE to ask for help. Here’s the thing – my brain doesn’t work properly – everyone knows that but IT DOESN’T MAKE ME AN IDIOT. So I ask for ‘help’. What is it that is going to help? More pills? A stay in hospital where I can feel exactly the way that I do now only in sterile surroundings? Talking about things that there is no answer to? It doesn’t help. I’ve been around the block enough times to know that. I don’t mean to be unkind or ungrateful to the people in my life who want to help, I really don’t. I just want them to understand that there is no help.

The people I know in real life are good and kind people and they are forever saying ‘just let me know if there’s anything I can do to help’. But I can’t tell them what they could do help, because it’s not the way the world works. What would really help right now is somebody gathering me up, staying by my side and showing me how it is that you go about doing this thing called living. Nobody wants to do that – it’s too much to ask.

So instead, I’ll do what I always do. I’ll smile. I’ll say ‘I’m fine’, ‘work’s great’, ‘Yeah I’m really busy’ and I’ll continue to curl up into a ball whilst staring into the mid distance and listening to all that living going on around about me.
Love from WeeGee (misery guts)

Advertisements

18 comments

  1. I hope you’re feeling in a better place soon WeeGee, keep blogging it might help a bit (I find it helps me sometimes). I know it’s difficult and lonely feeling like this, but things will get better in time. And people do want to help, it’s just that a lot of people don’t understand, so try to take their (sometimes insensitive) words in the kind way that they are intended. Thinking of you xx

    1. I know it’s difficult for people to understand, I think I just get frustrated sometimes. I’m doing a bit better today…

      Thanks for your thoughts xx

  2. Thinking of you WeeGee! I hope you can get to a place where you feel OK soon. You have been a great help to me in my scary leap into the blogging world so I hate to think that you’re feeling so low. I’m always here if you need to talk xx

  3. Oh WeeGee **hugs alien sister** I hate it when I feel like this (duh) and I hate it when other people feel like this because I don’t want them to feel that way. I can’t advise you on the thing that you call living situation because I’m still learning myself, but I would gather you up and stay by your side, because sometimes, when I feel like that, I just want someone near to me.
    I hope Gryff is looking after you. Hugs xox

  4. I didn’t think you were okay. As I said I was thinking of you and getting vibes. I was in such a dissociated place myself and I’m regretting not pushing through and at least sending you a text message. I’m sorry 😦 It is really hard when people say: what can I do to help because if it was that easy…………. OK great minds think alike you’ve literally just texted me. Hah. will transfer to phone 🙂 xxx

  5. I hear you and know what you’re saying…I wish that what ever is happening to make us all feel like crap would stop.

How about a little chat?

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s