Month: September 2012

Sore head

 

I thought it was probably time for a little update. So here’s a little update….

I injured myself quite badly on Saturday morning. There I was, sleeping away, when I decided to semi-wake-up and smack my head off the corner of my bedside table. It was quite gruesome actually – I left skin behind on the furniture and gave myself a nice shiny black eye. What tremendous fun I have.

Any way several hours and a few stitches later I went out for dinner. You know, as in ME in the OUTSIDE WORLD for dinner WITH FRIENDS AND STUFF. Even though I had an injury (and a pretty bad headache). Go me……

So that was yesterday. It didn’t go according to plan and I reckon I’ll be able to add yet another impressive scar to the existing bus related scar on my face. WeeGee: ScarFace…..*

Today I have mostly spent my time being a domestic goddess. I cleaned the flat until it sparkled, made roast onion soup, pickled some shallots, made a rather lovely malted chocolate cheesecake, and roasted some chicken with garlic and thyme. One of these days I’m going to make some lucky bugger a fantastic wife.

I’ve several white coat type appointments coming up tomorrow. I’ve got the GP and the psychiatrist and FINALLY the psychologist for a spot of CBT. I’m also getting my hair cut. Add up all of those appointments and you have a nightmare-anxiety-i’d-rather-die-kinda-day on the horizon. Big Boooo. Oh and boo hoo.

Meanwhile in other news I am completely over excited about the return of Dexter TONIGHT. Nothing else to report save that my head still hurts and I wish that tomorrow was over and done with.

Night night lovely folks, WeeGee xxxx

 

 

 

*But MUCH  prettier than that makes me sound

 

 

 

What if I can’t stop?

The first thing to do today is say: if you are at all vulnerable about food, weight, body image and other such things might be best if you skip over this one…..

I think there must be something in the air at the moment – because a couple of other bloggers have posted about similar things this week. Perhaps it’s National Former Eating Disorders Bite You On The Bum Week or something…..

I am recovering from an eating disorder. I say recovering rather than recovered because I don’t think disordered thinking about food ever truly goes away. It hangs around in the background and you have to work very hard to keep it there.

Nonsense thinking about food has been in the background of my brain for more than 10 years. During that time I’ve maintained my weight at an acceptable level with only one exception – when Mr Friendly and I split up. I lost an awful lot of weight at that point, dipped below ‘healthy’ and had a smallish battle to get back to where I needed to be. The point is, I did get back. The other point is that I have more or less maintained my weight for more than ten years. That other point is REALLY BIG NEWS by the way.

I still have a funny relationship with food. I eat because I have to. I rarely eat because I’m hungry and I hardly ever eat because I want to. The notion of ‘comfort eating’ makes no sense to me at all because I don’t ‘enjoy’ food. It’s just a necessity – like air.

My thoughts about weight are a little bit difficult too. I don’t know how much I weigh because I can’t know. If I knew it would bother me – I’d try to round the number down to something nice and even and then I’d get obsessed with it being even and I’d try to get it down as low as possible in an attempt to have the best chance at keeping it even…. If that doesn’t make any sense to you should count your lucky stars at this point.

Understanding of eating disorders has moved on a lot since I was poorly and I think most people know that eating disorders have absolutely nothing to do with being thin. What I don’t think many people realise is that eating disorders often have EVERYTHING to do with not being fat. It’s a subtle difference and one that still governs my life to a certain small extent.

I’m ashamed to say that I think unpleasant things about being fat. I have a morbid fear of being overweight and even if I could cure my fear I wouldn’t want to because it terrifies me too much to even think about it. This fear has nothing to do with vanity although it has a lot to do with outward projections and the space I occupy in the world.

Reading that back it must appear to you that I still have a very unhealthy relationship with food and weight. I know that it isn’t ideal but I do know that it is managed. I’m aware, I have insight and that means I can keep myself in check. It makes for a miserable existence at times, but the process of keeping a well body when you have a broken brain is actually like heaven on earth when you compare it to the horror that is an eating disorder in full flow. Forget the times when my brain wants to jump off a building, or eat three packets of painkillers, or write ‘POINTLESS’ on my arm with a razor blade. Those things are a walk in the park compared to what an eating disorder does to your brain, your body and your life.

I’m terrified of being fat, but going back to the dark days of the starvation diet terrifies me so very much more. It is genuinely my biggest fear in the world because I don’t think it’s the kind of thing you manage to beat twice in your life.

I suppose I should let you know why I’m telling you all of this (I’ve been putting it off). The thing is I’ve put a little bit of weight on recently. I know I have because I can see it, and because I can feel it. I know that I’m not anything approaching fat – in fact I look healthy at the moment. My backside has made a re-appearance and I can wear a WonderBra and look like I might have some kind of a bust going on. My skin is healthy, and there are two nice apple type things where my cheekbones used to live. My ribs are in retreat.

This is all great – it’s nice to look in the mirror and see a healthy human being looking back. But at the back of my mind there’s a scary, scary thought that won’t go away: what if I can’t stop.

It’s spinning round and round and round.

It’s screaming at me: WHAT IF I CAN’T STOP? It’s scary because I know exactly what the answer is.

The answer is JUST STOP. Just like that. Don’t just stop, make up for it – you don’t want to run the risk of being fat after all and the best way to avoid ever weighing too much is by weighing as little as possible. It’s like an insurance policy.

I know this is all ridiculous and disordered and not at all rational. But it doesn’t have to make sense for it to be scary. I am on guard at the moment. It seems I’m destined always to be on guard against something. If broken brain isn’t terrorising itself thinking about how pointless everything is it manages to find something else to keep me in a state of absolute terror.

Curse my broken brain.

Lots of love from WeeGee

Two for the price of one

Tell you what – it’s just as well I’m doing this thirty days of truth thingy-ma-bob because I don’t actually have anything else to tell you about* It’s all very calm and steady here at the moment. Broken brain is on best behaviour and is busy making a few small plans for the future. The Future Starts Here – fingers crossed eh?

So – what does thirty days of truth have in store for me today then? Don’t worry about guessing… I’ll just come right out and tell you:

Day 19: What do you think about religion? Or what do you think about politics?

Oh bums. This is the one I’ve been dreading…..

I suppose I might as well tell you my thoughts on both things. If I’m going to upset people I might as well go the whole hog. Besides, I’ve got time on my hands and one of them won’t take very long.

1. WeeGee’s thoughts on politics.

Two words should do it: deeply cynical.

Just in case you’re interested in few more words here’s a whistle-stop tour:

  • I’m very liberal**
  • I believe that equity, justice and tolerance should be at the heart of governance
  • Democracy matters
  • The welfare state matters as well ***

You don’t need any more words than that, do you?

2. WeeGee’s thoughts on religion.

You’ll notice that I left the difficult one until last. Before I go any further I should say that what follows is nothing more than my own personal view of religion in the broadest sense of the word. I understand that some people reading this will have very different views but I hope that will be okay – differences of opinion are all part of the fun after all.

As far as religion goes I suppose the closest thing to a name for my views is agnostic. To put it bluntly I find the possible existence of some kind of all powerful omnipresent being to be a completely baffling concept. The trouble is that I can’t understand it and if there’s one thing that sits in the middle of my brain it’s a compelling need to understand EVERYTHING****

The existence of god defies logic as far as I can see. It goes against what little I know about science, and time and being. At the same time, I suppose it would be fair to say that the existence of god fits quite neatly with my ideas about hope. Maybe what I’m saying is that I want it to true, but I also can’t accept that it is.

It’s interesting, and perhaps a little convenient that there doesn’t seem to be a way that humans can prove the existence of god. The best we can hope for is to disprove it – but that is completely unsatisfactory when you come to think about it and especially when you factor in the way that human knowledge has, and continues to evolve….

I also struggle with the idea that there is only one god. After all, human beings across the globe seem to believe in a multitude of different gods. It would be tempting to a see that as cultural interpretation of exactly the same thing were it not for the fact that a great many religions condemn those who follow others. It’s impossible for everyone to be right and if they are everyone is surely going to hell….?

Finally, as I’ve already mentioned justice, equity and tolerance are incredibly important to me – those things are essentially my moral code. Unfortunately, from the outside looking in, organised religion seems to have little to do with any of those concepts. As far as I understand it, organised religion provides rules about the right way to do things, and the right things to think. Any other way is fundamentally wrong. I can’t accept that we should operate that way. What about live and let live?

I was listening to Radio Four last week (as is my wont). It was a programme about the role of the Catholic Church in Ireland*****. I mention this because it showed that although a recent survey of the congregation and indeed of society were in favour of both gay marriage and women priests,  the governing body of the church refused to acknowledge that change in opinion. I could probably have  just about accepted that to be fair enough if the refusal to acknowledge was some kind of fundamental theological issue. But, as was quite clearly stated by the said governing body (and I paraphrase) ‘It is possible to change doctrine in light of popular opinion, if changing doctrine IS THE RIGHT THING TO DO’. It would seem that the vast majority of a congregation is not capable of deciding what the right thing to do is….

In conclusion I have this to say: morality and religion are often bound up together. Above all else this is the thing that I can’t find a way to understand. I don’t follow a religion, and I don’t actively believe in any kind of god but I have a strong moral code. It can be summarised thusly:

Be kind. Always and to everybody.

Love from WeeGee xx

*Well I do have one little thing to tell you about but I’m saving it for another day

**With a VERY deliberate lower case ‘L’

***I believe in it in an old fashioned way. We all put in, we all get out: it’s a social contract. The world doesn’t owe anyone a living but we DO owe one another one

****I’m the daughter of an engineer. It’s in my genes

*****Other churches are available******

*******Sorry – is that a bit flippant?

The bottom of it

I thought it was about time I did a little update. I haven’t posted for a while – not because I haven’t had anything to say, in fact, if anything I’ve had too much to say…..

The 19th September 2012 came and went. Nothing happened apart from a few bad memories and a touch of regret. In the main scheme of things I can live with a few bad memories and a little bit of regret. That kind of stuff is the least of my worries when it comes down to it.

I’ve spent the last few days peering down though time. I can’t help thinking that if I look for long enough I’ll manage to see the beginning of time and then I’ll get to the bottom of all this: How did I end up so broken and damaged? What happened to make me so vulnerable? Why can’t I just be normal?

I’m not feeling at all sorry for myself by the way. I just feel like I need to understand what this is all about because simply blaming it on a broken brain seems too easy. It’s akin to accepting that nothing will ever get better or change because ‘that’s just the way I am’. I feel like I’ve reached the point that I’m not prepared to accept that anymore. I don’t want to spend my whole life trying to ‘manage’ my brain. I just want to get on with ‘being’. I don’t mind if I’m happy or sad – I only want to be.

I’m in that up mood that comes along every so often – the kind of mood where everything seems possible – where I have a million ideas pinging about in my head and every single one of them feels like the best idea on earth. This mood is exactly why I feel like I have to understand everything and get better. BECAUSE I WANT TO HAVE A FUTURE with all of my fantastic ideas and all this energy in it.

I’ve been here before, so many times so I know it won’t last. Eventually I’ll run out of time and I’ll get defeated by it all again. But I want it to be different this time – I really do. So I’m going to carry on looking down through time, just in case I get to the bottom of it.

Lots of love from WeeGee xx

Up the duff

Don’t worry. I’m not. This is a thirty days of truth post…..

The first thing that came out of the thirty days of truth hat today was day number 15 which is:

Something or someone you couldn’t live without, because you’ve tried living without it

I’m afraid I had a bit of a difficulty with this one – if I’d tried to live without something or someone and found I couldn’t live without it, by rights I would be dead. I’m probably being too literal about it but I’m afraid I can’t get past it. Day number 15 is a pass from me so I picked out a second number – day 28:

What if you were pregnant or got someone pregnant, what would you do?

This one is quite straightforward, isn’t it?

If I got pregnant, assuming all went well, I would have a baby in approximately nine months time. If I got someone pregnant I would be a little bit surprised to say the least.

I suppose I should fill in some of the detail or the post will be too short……

If I got pregnant right now (well, not RIGHT now, but you know what I mean) it would be an absolute and unmitigated disaster because a) I’m single, b) I’m a bit skint and c) I’m mental. Taking these things into account it is HIGHLY unlikely that I will become pregnant in the near future. At the same time, I’m aware that these things happen, and anyone who thinks they don’t needs to grow a little bit of sense and compassion, in my view anyway.

I’m trying to skirt around one of those sensitive subjects that human beings seem destined never to agree on, by the way, mainly because I don’t want anyone getting all upset. What I’m really trying to get it, is that if I was to find myself pregnant at the moment, even though it would feel like an unmitigated disaster, I would continue with the pregnancy. That would be a decision based on me, my own experiences and my personal circumstances at this particular point in my life – which is to say that it is none of my concern if someone who isn’t me comes to a different, and very difficult, conclusion about the future of their pregnancy, whether their circumstances are the same as mine or entirely different.

That’s a typical WeeGee answer isn’t it? I’m sorry – I can’t help it….

Lots of love from WeeGee xxx

My old friend

I suppose I should do a ‘thirty days of truth’ post. After all, what’s the point of saying you’re going to do something and then not actually doing it….?

Day number nine came out of the envelope today which is:

Someone you didn’t want to let go, but just drifted

A lot of people have drifted in and out of my life – it’s par for the course isn’t it? People come, people go and it’s only the people that matter who stay…. for the most part, anyway.

I have to confess to having a bit of a habit of letting people vanish out of my life. If I get the sense someone is going to leave me then I tend to get in there first and cut all ties. It does me no good, and I’m trying to work on it, but I can’t help but wonder if that’s just the way I’m built.

Anyway – I’m rambling around the question here, aren’t I?

In 2003 I was studying for my masters degree and working part time in a University library. It was the best crap job I ever had because a) I worked evenings when there was no-one around and I pretty much wrote my whole dissertation whilst at work and b) I met Katie P.

Katie P and I had an awful lot in common – values, beliefs, fears and a passion for fiction. She was training to be a teacher at the time so also did a lot of studying at work, but when we weren’t studying we whiled away the hours chatting, swapping books and on occasion having those nice safe arguments you can have with someone who although on your wavelength has a slight difference of opinion.

There was also an awful lot that Katie P and I didn’t have in common, and in some ways, that was the reason that the friendship became so precious to me. We came from completely different backgrounds and her upbringing and experiences were a far cry from the comparatively privileged life I had lived. I guess it hadn’t occurred to me how many opportunities I’d had in life until I met Katie P – I’d been too busy focusing on the bad.

Anyway – we were like two peas in a pod for the year we worked together. We spent our free time together as well as our time at work, and at the time, I couldn’t have imagined my life without her friendship in it. During the time we knew one another we both experienced some dark days and we each carried the other through them – it seemed to me that I had found a friend for life.

And then I moved to London.

We kept in touch for a long time – speaking on the phone and regular visits. But in time the phone calls dropped off and the visits fewer and further between. That’s what distance does I guess. Katie P and I exchange a few text messages a year now. Which is sad.

I miss Katie P, but, at the same time, I suspect it was one of those friendships that was there for a while and was never meant to last. Me moving away just speeded up the process but it doesn’t take away the happy times we shared whiling away a year doing the best crap job in the world…

The end.

Love from WeeGee xx

I made it!

I am pleased to report that the 19th September 2012 passed without incident, tragedy or disaster here in WeeGee land. Fank gawd for that….

I decided to have a nice quiet evening to myself last night. The challenge was to remember the sad things – pay my respects, as it were – without driving myself round the bend. I think I managed it quite admirably.

It’s important to be able to remember, especially when no one else is going to. In the end I marked the occasion without getting into any trouble and I feel better for having done it.

So, that’s it all done with for another year. Who knows? By the time the 19th September 2013 comes around I might be able to say ‘that’s it all done with full stop’

This is a short post, but never fear! I plan to be back later on with a ‘thirty days of truth’ post but before that I have a little bit of reading to do….

Lots of love from a relieved WeeGee on 20th September *sigh of relief*

Delirium

If I was to say that I am TOTALLY exhausted it would be something of an MASSIVE understatement. The last time I looked at the clock last night was just after 4am. The first time I looked at the clock this morning was 6.20am and I’ve been awake ever since. I’m slightly delirious but I don’t think I could sleep right now if I tried….

I hate insomnia. I sometimes think that is my life’s ambition to go to sleep when I’m tired, stay asleep and then wake up when I’m not tired any more – just once or twice you know, to see how it feels? Not much of an ambition, eh?

If it weren’t for the insomnia things would be rumbling along reasonably well all things considered. It’s ‘D Day’ tomorrow but I’m trying not to think about that too much. In fact I’ve got a long list of distractions and plans to get me through it. As far as I’m concerned there are going to be no tragedies or disasters on the 19th September this year – world: take note. I’ve also decided that I’m not going to let my brain drive me round the bend thinking about all the tragedies and disasters of the past – brain: take note.

I’m racking my brain for something to tell you about. I don’t know if it’s the delirium, or the fact that things are just about fine but I got nothing. By rights I should do a ‘thirty days’ post but I’m TOTALLY exhausted so that really wouldn’t work.

Okay – so that’s about it from me. I’m exhausted, delirious and dreading tomorrow. But things are just about fine.

Over and out.

Love from a very sleepy but not able to sleep WeeGee xxx

Can we pretend that never happened?

Day two of the ‘thirty days of truth’ saw day twenty two being pulled from the envelope:

Something you wish you hadn’t done in your life

The first thing to say is that I try not to regret things too much – or at least I try not to wish that I had done things differently. The things that you do are the things that make you who you are. And I don’t really care how twee that sounds.

That said there is one thing that I wish I’d had the courage to do differently and that thing is moving to London….

I never wanted to live in London in fact, until I moved to London I actively didn’t want to live in London. The spanner in those particular works was that my boyfriend at the time lived in London and he didn’t want to live anywhere apart from London.

For the sake of clarity I say my boyfriend at the time when what I really mean is the love of my life. We were together for ten years in the end, and although we have been separated for two years I still love him with every fibre of my being.

We’d been having a long distance relationship for five years, and in some ways, that was beginning to take its toll. We had spoken about moving somewhere between London and Nottingham but he backed out of that in the end. As I said, he really didn’t want to live anywhere apart from London. When it came down to it, I decided I had to move to London or walk away from the relationship and I really didn’t want to do that.

I felt like I had to give us a chance. I tried to view it as a compromise on my part but looking back I know that it was in fact a sacrifice. I sacrificed my friends, my family and my life even though I knew, in my heart, that I was doing the wrong thing.

I knew I was doing the wrong thing from the moment I told my ex boyfriend that I had got a job in London at last. First there was a long silence and then he said ‘really’ in a tone of voice that made my heart hurt. Of course I asked him about it, but he said he had just been shocked. I tried to believe that for five years during which it became increasingly clear that he just didn’t love me. He wasn’t ready to love anybody.

On the day before I moved to London I had a long chat with my dad. He was worried and couldn’t understand why I had to move away. He said to me that when he met my mum he loved her so much he ‘would have moved heaven and earth to be with her’ and I said that was why I was doing it. Of course I missed his point.

I’m still in London (kinda), and I’ve no intention of leaving but I know I would have saved myself a lot of heartache if I had been brave enough to accept what was staring me in the face.

I suppose what I’m trying to say I don’t wish I hadn’t moved to London – I wish I hadn’t tried move heaven and earth for someone who I knew wouldn’t try to move heaven and earth for me.

Lots of love from WeeGee

Day one (or day 18 depending on your take on things): WeeGee writes about gay marriage and hopes nobody gets all upset about it.

Okay, so I’ve got some time to kill*and nothing much to say for myself so I pulled a number out of the thirty days of truth hat**

The number I picked was number 18 which is proof positive that you should never, ever, put your trust in random selections. Random selections mean that you end up with one of the most difficult things to start with – at least as far as thirty days of truth is concerned…..

Day 18 is ‘your thoughts on gay marriage’

My views on gay marriage are straightforward and can be summarised thusly: ‘so what?’ Sadly, some people who aren’t gay get all upset about gay marriage and think that it’s a good idea to make sure that people of the same sex can’t get married to each other.

I can’t quite understand why it matters so much who complete strangers get married to. Who complete strangers get married to is of no consequence to anyone apart from the complete strangers, surely? I can just about understand that somebody might oppose gay marriage. But they can make their opposition perfectly clear by not marrying somebody of the same sex. That’s it. The end. Or is it just me?

I guess we have to get to the bottom of what marriage means in the modern world to get to the bottom of my thinking on this. Once upon a time marriage was a symbolic ceremony in which people had their union recognised in the eyes of God. It isn’t that anymore and I know that because ALL of my friends have been married in church yet only TWO of my friends would describe themselves as religious. Marriage has moved on. In the same way that views about slavery, or women, or people with disabilities have moved on.

Marriage is a choice that two people make. It’s a promise they make, in front of the people that matter the most to them. It’s a promise to stay by someone’s side come what may.  It’s a promise between the two people who decide they feel able to make that promise and everybody else needs to butt out and let love be. It’s a promise that we should all be free to make – whoever we happen to be, or whoever we happen to fall in love with.

So there you have my views on gay marriage. Essentially I don’t care – and that can be seen as ‘controversial’. Humans are ridiculous sometimes. I hope that doesn’t offend anybody. I’m just saying, y’know?

Lots of love from WeeGee xx

*Between today’s activities and Dr Who. I’m a geek. I know

**I actually pulled it out of an envelope but a hat sounded better