Can we pretend that never happened?

Day two of the ‘thirty days of truth’ saw day twenty two being pulled from the envelope:

Something you wish you hadn’t done in your life

The first thing to say is that I try not to regret things too much – or at least I try not to wish that I had done things differently. The things that you do are the things that make you who you are. And I don’t really care how twee that sounds.

That said there is one thing that I wish I’d had the courage to do differently and that thing is moving to London….

I never wanted to live in London in fact, until I moved to London I actively didn’t want to live in London. The spanner in those particular works was that my boyfriend at the time lived in London and he didn’t want to live anywhere apart from London.

For the sake of clarity I say my boyfriend at the time when what I really mean is the love of my life. We were together for ten years in the end, and although we have been separated for two years I still love him with every fibre of my being.

We’d been having a long distance relationship for five years, and in some ways, that was beginning to take its toll. We had spoken about moving somewhere between London and Nottingham but he backed out of that in the end. As I said, he really didn’t want to live anywhere apart from London. When it came down to it, I decided I had to move to London or walk away from the relationship and I really didn’t want to do that.

I felt like I had to give us a chance. I tried to view it as a compromise on my part but looking back I know that it was in fact a sacrifice. I sacrificed my friends, my family and my life even though I knew, in my heart, that I was doing the wrong thing.

I knew I was doing the wrong thing from the moment I told my ex boyfriend that I had got a job in London at last. First there was a long silence and then he said ‘really’ in a tone of voice that made my heart hurt. Of course I asked him about it, but he said he had just been shocked. I tried to believe that for five years during which it became increasingly clear that he just didn’t love me. He wasn’t ready to love anybody.

On the day before I moved to London I had a long chat with my dad. He was worried and couldn’t understand why I had to move away. He said to me that when he met my mum he loved her so much he ‘would have moved heaven and earth to be with her’ and I said that was why I was doing it. Of course I missed his point.

I’m still in London (kinda), and I’ve no intention of leaving but I know I would have saved myself a lot of heartache if I had been brave enough to accept what was staring me in the face.

I suppose what I’m trying to say I don’t wish I hadn’t moved to London – I wish I hadn’t tried move heaven and earth for someone who I knew wouldn’t try to move heaven and earth for me.

Lots of love from WeeGee

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19 comments

  1. I think you also have a lot to be proud of moving to London to be with him, you gave something a chance, something many people are too afraid to do. We have to learn from every experience even if it is bad, and sometimes these can make your future a whole lot better to have learned from that.

    London can be a tough old place, I came not knowing a soul but I do count myself lucky I have found my niche and my whole life is here now.

    1. Absoutely – I am glad I gave it a go. The alternative was having a nagging ‘what if’ for the rest of my life. In the end it didn’t work out but I learned a lot along the way and London is my home now. At least for the time being 🙂

      1. North London rules, I lived West for years until I moved North and really got to grips with the city. Some parts masquerade as London just because they are on a tube and have a London postcode but it’s not really London. I knew I had made it when I first stepped out of a tube in Kentish Town before I moved to Camden and there was water running down the pavement, I thought it odd as it wasn’t raining then I turned the corner and a woman was squated down having a wee blatantly in the street, it was about lunchtime. Only then did I know this was to be my home. 😀

  2. So your family still live outside of London? What is it that is still keeping you in London? I hate this dreaded place. I hate the fact I can’t hold out on making my partner make a compromise and again just bend to his every will with regards to where we live. Hate it. I hate it that that means I end up paying over the earth for a flat when I have hardly any money coming in as it is. Eugh. Sorry. I understand the not being able to enforce compromises thing. I’m sorry you completely scrificed your life for this guy who was completely unwilling to do the same. We live and learn. Personally I’m glad you’re still here. When I stop wobbling on my own two feet I am coming out to meet you! xx

    1. Yeah – my family are in the Midlands. I guess the thing keeping me in London is that my life is here now and there is the small matter of my job! I learned a valuable lesson when our relationship ended. You have to learn to look after numero uno 😀

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