I thought it was about time I did a little update. I haven’t posted for a while – not because I haven’t had anything to say, in fact, if anything I’ve had too much to say…..
The 19th September 2012 came and went. Nothing happened apart from a few bad memories and a touch of regret. In the main scheme of things I can live with a few bad memories and a little bit of regret. That kind of stuff is the least of my worries when it comes down to it.
I’ve spent the last few days peering down though time. I can’t help thinking that if I look for long enough I’ll manage to see the beginning of time and then I’ll get to the bottom of all this: How did I end up so broken and damaged? What happened to make me so vulnerable? Why can’t I just be normal?
I’m not feeling at all sorry for myself by the way. I just feel like I need to understand what this is all about because simply blaming it on a broken brain seems too easy. It’s akin to accepting that nothing will ever get better or change because ‘that’s just the way I am’. I feel like I’ve reached the point that I’m not prepared to accept that anymore. I don’t want to spend my whole life trying to ‘manage’ my brain. I just want to get on with ‘being’. I don’t mind if I’m happy or sad – I only want to be.
I’m in that up mood that comes along every so often – the kind of mood where everything seems possible – where I have a million ideas pinging about in my head and every single one of them feels like the best idea on earth. This mood is exactly why I feel like I have to understand everything and get better. BECAUSE I WANT TO HAVE A FUTURE with all of my fantastic ideas and all this energy in it.
I’ve been here before, so many times so I know it won’t last. Eventually I’ll run out of time and I’ll get defeated by it all again. But I want it to be different this time – I really do. So I’m going to carry on looking down through time, just in case I get to the bottom of it.
Lots of love from WeeGee xx