The bottom of it

I thought it was about time I did a little update. I haven’t posted for a while – not because I haven’t had anything to say, in fact, if anything I’ve had too much to say…..

The 19th September 2012 came and went. Nothing happened apart from a few bad memories and a touch of regret. In the main scheme of things I can live with a few bad memories and a little bit of regret. That kind of stuff is the least of my worries when it comes down to it.

I’ve spent the last few days peering down though time. I can’t help thinking that if I look for long enough I’ll manage to see the beginning of time and then I’ll get to the bottom of all this: How did I end up so broken and damaged? What happened to make me so vulnerable? Why can’t I just be normal?

I’m not feeling at all sorry for myself by the way. I just feel like I need to understand what this is all about because simply blaming it on a broken brain seems too easy. It’s akin to accepting that nothing will ever get better or change because ‘that’s just the way I am’. I feel like I’ve reached the point that I’m not prepared to accept that anymore. I don’t want to spend my whole life trying to ‘manage’ my brain. I just want to get on with ‘being’. I don’t mind if I’m happy or sad – I only want to be.

I’m in that up mood that comes along every so often – the kind of mood where everything seems possible – where I have a million ideas pinging about in my head and every single one of them feels like the best idea on earth. This mood is exactly why I feel like I have to understand everything and get better. BECAUSE I WANT TO HAVE A FUTURE with all of my fantastic ideas and all this energy in it.

I’ve been here before, so many times so I know it won’t last. Eventually I’ll run out of time and I’ll get defeated by it all again. But I want it to be different this time – I really do. So I’m going to carry on looking down through time, just in case I get to the bottom of it.

Lots of love from WeeGee xx

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21 comments

  1. Don’t think you ever do know what went on really. I once tried working out all the alternative interpretations for a Difficult Event (think elements of writing fiction, computer climate modelling programs, the game of Consequences and meditation) and came out with about twelve versions, depending which variable I gave most credence to, and I still didn’t know if any of them approximated to whatever ‘really’ happened. But it was quite enjoyable to do, and it made me feel like the White Queen (‘six impossible things before breakfast’), which is obviously a good thing.

  2. Hello lovely.
    This is so weird, because it’s like I’ve written it.
    It’s not that I feel sorry for myself, or am that negative when I say, “When did things get so bad? Is this the way it is from now on?” etc, it’s wanting to understand why because broken brain isn’t enough of an answer for me.
    I don’t accept the broken brain thing either, or that this is really me, or that, that hyper mess is me but at least at the time of being hyper I like that because I have awesome ideas, too many to even think straight and the only eventual outcome of them at the time of having them is greatness, or world domination and the like.
    I guess it has to do with control, my brain is broken, there is nothing I can do but wait for it to get out of this current zone of mood, and yes I too, know it does end, but it’s the having to wait and at the time thinking it never will.
    I’m sorry I can’t offer you advice either, or an answer as to why, or why time is so screwy and screws with humans the way it does, but I can say that I think you’re awesome, you’ve helped me, and therefore others, with what you’ve said, and that’s something very big to hold on to.
    *Hugs* lovely.
    And I saw this video yesterday, and figured you might like it, because I did, because it’s probably what we should be doing to time.

    xxxx

    1. …. And you know that you are awesome too, right? Because you’re you and because you post awesome videos which is exactly what we need to do to time!

      Hugs back – hope you’re doing okay xx

      1. Off topic, but, you are employed aren’t you? How do you deal with these broken brain moments, when you work? I only ask because right now, work seems impossible, but I want to be able to, so much.
        Oh and yes, the video is totally awesome, but now when I go to my grandads house, who has walls covered in clocks, I can only ever think of that video and wish I had a gun. Lol.

        1. Hello – sorry I forgot to reply to this one….

          I do work – currently on reduced hours following the last mental flip out, but I’m almost back to full time now.

          I guess I’m really lucky – I have a great line manager and the organisation is pretty good generally. Sometimes it’s hard and I have to take time off now and then to look after my brain but most of the time it helps – it gives me a routine, a focus and a purpose.

          xxx

  3. Oh how I hate peering through time. But like you, I have to get to the bottom of it. I have to. I have things to do in life that require me to be more ‘together’ than I am now. I am glad to hear you have some hopes and dreams to hang onto right now. Even if they do feel they get shattered when the next wave of mentals hits; are any consistently there in the good? xx

  4. It is a good thing to realize that life can change for the better. I hope that you can hold on to that thought for a long time. It is true, we don’t have to let our diagnoses claim the rest of our lives. 😉

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