Month: October 2012

Holy Swearword!

I had a bit of a ‘holy swearword moment’ this morning. I woke up*, got out of bed: morning Gryff, morning Sean** flipped the kettle on and headed for the shower. When I was in the shower I thought ‘ooooh I wonder what’s going to happen today?’ and started having a nice little daydream about all the things that might happen. Which is when I had my ‘holy swearword moment’…..

So you know I’ve spent the last five months of my blog going ‘boo hoo, woe is me, I hate myself and everything is pointless?’. Guess what’s happened now? I’ve only gone and worked out what the point is.

I don’t know what’s going to happen today AND THAT IS THE WHOLE POINT. Things are going to happen – good things, bad things, weird things, funny things and all sorts of other things and WeeGee is going to be right there in the world finding out what things are going on.

How exciting is my holy swearword moment?

I was bursting to share that with you, but I’ll be back later to fill you in on the gossip.

Lots of love and a little bit of gratuitous swearing (but not out loud because Rhio doesn’t like it) from WeeGee xxx

 

 

*Early again which I LOVE

**Sean W Keavney of Six Music fame***

***Bet you thought I’d got a new man for a minute there didn’t you? Hey – I’m good at online dating but I’m not that good 😉

 

I love my kettle

I came to the conclusion that I had to speak to somebody about being all bouncy and enthusiastic after the following occurred:

WeeGee wakes up early and thinks I LOVE waking up early

WeeGee looks in the mirror and thinks I LOVE my  haircut

WeeGee picks Gryff up and thinks I LOVE Gryff

WeeGee turns the radio on and thinks I LOVE this song

WeeGee switches the kettle on and thinks…… I LOVE MY KETTLE.

I mean, don’t get me wrong, it’s a nice enough kettle, but that’s really not the point.

I’m fairly confident that the flat and empties are on their way out of my life for a little while which means that the chemicals in my brain are swimming around in the right places in the right quantities. That’s the good part. The bad part is that my brain has been flat and empty for more than two years now and it doesn’t really know what’s hit it. In response broken brain has decided that it’s invincible and that it LOVES everything which is a) exhausting and b) a bit dangerous. It’s dangerous because the last time my brain was like that I did a number of monumentally stupid things, the consequences of which I’m still dealing with now.

I spoke to Mr Wise about what was going on, on account of him being all wise about matters concerning WeeGee’s wonky brain. Here’s what we decided:

 

  • I’m a little bit over excited and suggestible at the moment
  • I’m aware that I’m a little bit over excited and suggestible at the moment
  • The fact that I’m aware that I’m a little bit over excited and suggestible at the moment is a good thing because it means I’ve got the wherewithal to know that buying a brand new Audi on Hire Purchase probably isn’t a good idea right now

Actually here’s another thing I know – being a bit excited at the moment isn’t an entirely bad thing because it is partly in response to exciting things happening. That’s perfectly normal – my only difficulty is that the mentals are magnifying things a little bit.

Finally here’s the most important thing I know – eventually all this bounding around filled full of enthusiasm is going to settle down and that’s going to mean that I’m getting towards the end of the road to recovery. My aim for the time between now and settling down is to make sure that I don’t do anything monumentally stupid and (go me) I have a little plan.

Here’s what WeeGee is going to do:

  • Continue to take her meds until such a time that Mr Clever says otherwise
  • Contact Mr Clever’s office if she thinks she’s going to rate a day as better than ten out of ten
  • Consult with Mr Wise before making any purchases or financial decisions
  • Avoid alcohol completely
  • Be careful with caffeine and sugar
  • Not get a tattoo
  • Not dye her hair any colour but especially not a colour involving the word neon
  • Not buy a brand new Audi* on Hire Purchase

Anyway – I’m feeling rather pleased with myself at the moment because I saw something coming down the tracks and I didn’t wait to see what happened when it hit me – I had a bit of insight and took some positive action and you can’t say fairer than that

Lots of love, hugs and bouncing around from WeeGee xxxxx

*I don’t know where the obsession with owning an Audi comes from because a) I don’t care about cars and b) I can’t drive……

The Interweb dating people

I actually wrote this post last night but I wanted to have one of my little thinks before I posted it – mainly because of that thing I have about not being unkind and being generally fair to people on my blog. Anyhoo – I’ve had my think now and I am starting with a little point of order:

I really want to keep you up to date with my adventures, but I’m also very aware that the Interweb dating people are real people too. I don’t think would be fair for me to write too much about particular people here. So I’m not really going to do that – I’ll mostly just write in the general. Once in a while I might mention specific people as they relate to me – much like I do with people in the real world – because I don’t think that’s unfair or unkind in the slightest.

That’s the little point of order taken care of then.

I think I’ve just about found my feet in the online dating world, although I must confess I’m not entirely convinced that I’ve quite got my head around the etiquette of ‘winking’….

So far I have discovered several distinct species on match.com and I already have a favourite species. This is good and has also served to remind me that those of us who spend considerable chunks of our time being mental tend also to be people who know ourselves very well. I know who I am, and I know the way that other people impact on me. I suppose you could say, it gives one the advantage when it comes to separating the wheat from the chaff.

Anyway – here’s a little run down of the species I have identified so far:

Mr glass of wine: This animal ‘doesn’t like talking online’ and would prefer to cut to the chase, as it were. Mr Glass of wine gets a great big thumbs down because all that ‘not talking online’ stuff suggests to me that he isn’t terribly interested in getting to know anyone and has his mind on other things. Also the idea that I might consider meeting someone based only on a photo they want me to think looks like them and some kind of notional description about travelling, and socialising and other such generalities IS THE WORST IDEA I’VE EVER HEARD IN MY LIFE.

Mr I want to know the secrets of your heart: This is an usual but not at all rare creature who has very fixed ideas about how you behave in the online dating environment. He has a long list of questions relating to life, the world and the universe and will occasionally ask how you feel about getting married or some other big one plus one life event. They also tend not to get my hilarious jokes. I’m afraid ‘secrets of your heart guy intimidates me a little. He wants to know about things like my ideal Sunday, my biggest fear, my ambition in life, or what I had for breakfast on the 18th July 1999. Do you know what? My best friend doesn’t know some of that stuff about me BECAUSE IT ISN’T REALLY IMPORTANT TO HAVING A FRIENDSHIP.

Mr deal breaker: Mr deal breaker is a focused and determined creature. If he likes photography and you don’t he doesn’t want to talk to you anymore which is fine, I guess. I’m just not entirely sure why that kind of interests and hobbies stuff is so important. If the man of my dreams turns out to love Morris Dancing that’s perfectly fine but why would I need to love it too? I’VE GOT HOBBIES OF MY OWN YOU KNOW.

Mr slightly scary: I find Mr Slightly scary very difficult to deal with. On the surface he seems generally pleasant but there’s something a bit unsettling about him. If I said to you that he’s probably a life-long fan of musical theatre who has always lived with his mother and wears a trench coat would you know what was talking about? Mr slightly scary makes HUGE GINORMOUS ALARM BELLS RING IN MY HEAD

Mr very scary: This animal is extremely aggressive and should be approached and handled with care. He requires an INSTANT RESPONSE TO ALL OF HIS COMMUNICATIONS or he will, in no uncertain terms, let you know that he thinks you are pretty much the Whore of Babylon because you are ‘talking to other men’. It will probably come as no surprise to you that being called the Whore of Babylon is usually an instant conversation killer for WeeGee.

Mr I’m very probably normal and the kind of person that WeeGee will feel comfortable chatting to: This lovely little creature is a rare one indeed. In fact I have thus far discovered only two such rare gems. The very probably normal creature is, well, very probably normal. He’ll be happy to swap general chit chat about our days and let the conversation ramble around from there. He’ll be amusing and cheeky without being at all lewd. He’ll have something interesting to say for himself. Mr very probably normal might be keen to meet up but perfectly happy to have a chat over a cuppa instead of wondering what happens if he gets me smashed off my face on cheap wine*

Finally, and this I think is the most important one of all you can say to Mr very probably normal ‘You know you said you quite liked me? Guess what? I’m a nutter!’ and he will say ‘okay’ and then crack a joke about how I can’t possibly be a lunatic if I hate Coldplay, or point out that I’m actually ‘not that much of a fruit loop’ Which suggests an understanding of what I’ve said and an engagement with what I’m about – I think that’s pretty telling actually.

I suppose the only other thing I can mention about Internet dating is my mother. Mum is of the generation of people who thinks that the whole of the Internet is a dark and dangerous place inhabited only by people of the Mr slightly scary variety. She is therefore absolutely convinced that I’m going to wind up as headline news for being yet another poor innocent girl who was murdered by some ogre she met online. Different times, I guess but it does kind of bother me that she thinks I’m quite so naïve. I mean, I’m an awful lot of things but naïve is certainly not one of them. Anyway I mention this because in response to my adventures in online dating my mum is phoning me up every two minutes to check if I’ve changed my mind about meeting Simon the accountant from her church. I don’t mind that he’s an accountant and I couldn’t care less that he goes to church but if I add those two things to the fact that my mother thinks he is a potential suitor for me I KNOW THAT HE IS NOT A POTENTIAL SUITOR FOR ME.

So yeah – one week, a million and one lessons, a very annoying mother, a spot of online people watching** and two gems. I quite like online dating.

Lots of love from WeeGee xxx

 

 

*The answer to that question is I go all sweet and endearing for a while but end up crying and going home in the fullness of time

**I’d love to do it from the other side and see what tribes us female Interweb dating folks fall into. Maybe Brandon Bored could fill me in?

Decisions, decisions

I’m feeling a little bit bouncy and enthusiastic today – I don’t mind bouncy and enthusiastic but I’m not sure that Mr Clever would like it so I’ve decided not to make any decisions* today. That way I can be absolutely certain I’m not accidentally doing anything ‘reckless’. How’s that for a bit of insight?!

There was a small moment of panic in WeeGee land when I put on my (much loved) shiny red belt and realised that I had gone up a notch. My brain didn’t like that much and thought ‘Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Fat.’ I let the thought swim around for a moment and then I grabbed hold of that nasty little thought and I strangled it to death. If one notch on a tiny belt is the price I pay for healthy skin and hair, or for those small curves that make my clothes hang better, or for being in the middle of green on the chart, or for a brain that isn’t trying to kill me – I’ll take the notch gladly thank you very much.

Anyway – back to the bouncy and enthusiastic. As I said, I really rather like it** because a)I get a lot done b)I get a lot planned and c)I’m tired at the end of the day which helps with my sleep. My sleeping is still a little topsy turvey but whenever I mention it to the professionals they tell me not to worry and that sleep is often one of the last things to come back. That makes sense to me so I’m not worrying which in itself is a major achievement because you know what it’s like when someone tells you not to worry***

Meanwhile in other news Gryff and I had a comedy start to the morning when he caught the BIGGEST SPIDER I HAVE EVER SEEN IN MY LIFE and seemed to get a bit upset when he realised he had killed it. Which made me laugh. What didn’t make me laugh was having to dispose of said huge spider and then realising IT WASN’T ACTUALLY DEAD as it scuttled up my arm – cue much flapping and squealing, a spider flying across the room and a slightly baffled cat. Nothing else to report today save that I am getting my hair cut later on**** and I’m not even dreading it a little bit.

Shortish one from me today on account of the fact it was a longish one yesterday and that I’m writing it in my lunch hour

See you later alligators

Lots of love WeeGee – champion spider flinger xxx

 

 

 

*The obvious exception being the decision not to make any decisions

**Apart from the bouncing off the walls kind of enthusiastic. Which has been known and isn’t much fun….

***In case you aren’t prone to a spot of worrying – it’s a bit like when someone says ‘don’t look now’ and you HAVE to look

****It just occurred to me that getting your hair cut involves quite a big decision. Please, please don’t let me do anything reckless with my hair!

A spot of quiet reflection

Today marks the six month anniversary of How do you eat an elephant? An appropriate point for a spot of quiet reflection methinks……

I suppose the first thing to say is the fact that WeeGee started doing something new six months ago and is still doing it today. That’s a big achievement what my tendency to move on to the next obsession a little too quickly and all. In six months my blog has changed quite a lot – I guess it takes a little while to find your feet. You know what though? I’m actually rather proud of my little blog –that I started it, that I’ve kept on doing it, that I’ve managed to turn it into something that matters to me. Me being proud of something I’ve done doesn’t happen very often so I’m definitely giving myself a little pat on the back today.

Now I’ve had my pat on the back I’ll do a bit more reflecting on stuff. I’ve been a reflective mood for a while, so I thought I might as well turn that into a post. To be honest I’ve been reflecting on pretty much everything, but neither you or I have time for that so I’ll focus on the most important bits.

A lot of my reflection has focused on where I’ve been and how I go about keeping myself where I am now for as long as possible. As to where I’ve been, well I’ve been lost somewhere totally shitty. Looking on the bright side I’ve learned an awful lot about myself along the way and I feel like I’m coming out the other side stronger. I know also, how I got to where I got to – holding on too tightly to things that actually, when I let go of them, just floated away without doing any damage at all. That tells me I need to learn to let go because once in a while letting go is the right thing to do.

Keeping myself here feels like a slightly daunting task. As much as I tell myself I can do it, or how much I feel like I can do it, I’m scared that one day, out of the blue I suddenly won’t be able to do it anymore. I can’t predict what’s going to happen in my life which means I can’t predict what’s going to happen in my brain. I can’t promise myself that where I am right now is going to be where I’ll be forever. That’s the thought I’ve been having and writing it down made me realise that maybe that’s the whole point. I don’t want to stay here forever and maybe I have a better chance of keeping myself well if I keep on moving.

I’m anxious about happens when Mr Clever decides I’m officially better and no longer need the medication and small army of support workers to get me through the day. I guess I just need to be on guard –  if I feel like things are getting risky I have make sure I do what I’ve been guilty of not doing in the past: shout up. That’s quite a big challenge I suppose, although in the main scheme of things I like a bit of a challenge every now and then.

I had a bit of a revelation during my recent session with Mrs Mountain. We were talking about what happens when all the support stops and I said something along the lines of “I can’t have counselling for the rest of my life”. Her response was “Why not?” And the penny dropped. Counselling isn’t just about putting yourself back together when you fall apart – it’s also about keeping yourself back together which is actually the most important part….

Moving on – a good deal of my reflection has been about Mr Friendly. I think that’s fairly natural. For a long time I thought I just wanted him back in my life – that, if I’m honest, Mr Friendly in my life was the only thing that would make me well again. Guess what? I’m getting well again all by myself. Mr Friendly will probably always be my friend and I’ll always love him. The big thing for me is that when I think about loving Mr Friendly now I think of a friendly, fond kind of love rather than whatever kind of ‘love’ we had when we were together. Being back together with Mr Friendly is actually a really bad idea, not least because he hurt me very badly. What he did, or rather the way he did what he did was anything but okay and it really doesn’t matter that he didn’t hurt me on purpose. The thing is I don’t have to forgive and forget all that stuff and I don’t need to pretend that it’s okay – I just need to accept it and then leave it in the past.

Anyway – we’re almost 1000 words later and that, I think, is enough quiet reflection for one day.

In summary, I’m feeling pleased with myself at the moment: I’m still learning lessons, and I’m finally fairly comfortable in my own skin. Long may it continue?

I might be back later to update you on the developments in my online dating experiment. It’s quite exciting really because for the first time in a very long time – I feel a bit of an adventure coming on!

Lots of love from WeeGee who is getting to the point where she barely recognises herself and likes it!

When will there be good news?

When will there be good news: that’s a question I asked myself time and time again during some of my darker days. I think I’m finally  starting to work out what the answer is…

The point is that there is always good news – it’s just that when you’re full of the flat and empties, feeling pointless and bleak and wishing you were dead you don’t actually see it. I suppose when you’re in a good place you are more able to notice the good things when they happen.

I’m not really sure how I turn that into a lesson for the future, but it seemed like an important revelation to me so I thought I’d write it down for future reference.

I’m sure you’ll be excited to learn that I’ve got a longer more rambling post planned for you later. I’ve also (as is always the case at the moment) got rather a lot of reading to do. Catch you later, I guess…..

Lots of love from a philosophical WeeGee xxx

Crazy Kid

I had lentil soup for breakfast this morning. I didn’t really fancy any of the more usual breakfast items and I had lentil soup in the fridge. What can I say? That’s how much of a crazy kid I am…..

Over the weekend I’ve learned quite a few lessons about online dating. Here are just a few of them:

  • The internet dating world is a lot like the real world – most people are nice although there is a small proliferation of idiots
  • When someone offers to show you their rock polishing kit you should probably spot the potential for euphemism before you respond
  • When someone asks ‘do you like coffee’ they don’t actually want to know the long and boring story about how you gave up drinking it in 2010

Beyond that I can only really say positive things about my experience so far. I’ve spent my time chatting to some sweet and interesting people who I’d never have met in real life, which is really nice. It’s also rather good for one’s self esteem – what with people telling you’re pretty or attractive or even (get this) gorgeous! It perks you up a bit, even though you know they’re only saying it because that’s the kind of thing they have to say.

I do have a couple of small worries so far:

Small worry number one: I’m not entirely sure that my ‘how to spot a serial killer in a chat room’ radar is properly perfected. I mean – how do you ever really know?*

Small worry number two: That WeeGee thing of ‘getting all attached to people’ is already kicking in. I’m not attached in a scary clingy way; more in a I like you which means I’ll think about you from time to time and care about you and stuff. Much like how I feel about my blogging buddies I guess. Still – I need to be careful in the online dating world because not everyone cares as much as I do and sometimes my feelings get hurt.

The only other thing to say about my online dating experience so far is that not everybody gets my sense of humour. I KNOW! In all seriousness it is interesting to note that there are generally two kinds of people in the world: the earnest people and the flippant people. I definitely fall into the latter category and I’m not great at making conversation with people in the former.

Anyway – I’m determined to be ‘me’ which means I’m not going to be taking myself too seriously. So what if my profile is a bit light hearted? So what if I don’t have twenty ‘getting to know you questions’ lined up**? So what if not everybody ‘gets’ me? After all if somebody doesn’t get me we’re probably not going to have any fun and what’s the point in that?

So yeah. Online dating. Good for a giggle so far….

Meanwhile in other news it is now twenty days since I last had a noticeable attack of the mentals*** and I bought the wrong Pearl Drops toothpaste over the weekend. I’m telling you that because the toothpaste I inadvertently bought is bright pink. Pink! What kind of colour is that for toothpaste****? Nothing else to report today save that I am seriously considering going home and having breakfast cereal for lunch….. Told you I was a crazy kid today!

Ta ta for now

Love from WeeGeexxx

 

 

*I suppose the only conclusive proof would winding up dead in a ditch. Which seems a little extreme and deeply unfortunate

**I’d rather have a little ramble around our heads and see where we end up – you know: like how normal conversations work

***I’m not counting the day I was wearing squeaky shoes and it drove me MENTAL

****Unless you’re a small child

I’ve really gone and done it now

I’m going through a bit of a phase at the moment – I keep doing things that I’ve been meaning to do for ages and then wondering why on earth I hadn’t done them before. I suppose the obvious answer is that if I had tried to do these things before I wouldn’t have been strong enough to see them through. Still, I’m enjoying rediscovering how easy it is to get back to yourself when you’re ready too. If I’m honest I’m a bit worried about what happens when I come off my medication – I can’t stay on it forever after all. Still, that isn’t going to happen for a long time which means it’s a worry for another day.

During my quiet night in last night* I took something of a leap of faith and decided to sign up for – wait for it – an online dating site. Yep. That’s me. On an online dating site. Oh my word! Gawd only knows what I’m trying to achieve – to be honest it doesn’t feel too bad so far although I found myself at a loss for words when someone asked if they could buy me a coffee**. Eeeek!

I suppose I felt like it was time for me to move on. I’ve been in mourning for Mr Friendly for more than two years now. For all that time I’ve kept the notion that one day he would work through whatever he is working through and decide that I was the one for him firmly in my heart. I guess it might happen one day – but equally it might not. In fact, if I weigh up the facts over the feelings it’s more likely not to happen than to happen.

So it’s over to the outside world. I’m under no illusions and to be honest if I meet the man of my dreams on the Interweb I’ll eat my hat or somefink. But you never know –  I might come across some interesting people and make a few friends along the way.

Eeeek! The WeeGee is on an online dating site. I’ve really gone and done it now……

Lots of love WeeGee xxx

*Which was so lovely I’ve decided to have another one tonight

**And not just because I don’t like coffee!

Quiet night in

Gryff hasn’t been over the moon about my recent adventures in having a social life so, after a busy week, I’ve decided it was about time I spent some time with him. I’ve been looking forward to it all day which is kinda strange because I’ve been more in the habit of dreading evenings where I don’t have anything to do* whereas now it just seems like a nice quiet night in with the cat…… Plus I’ve got about three million hours of soap operas to catch up with along with a further three squillion blogs to read so the time will be spent wisely.

It’s been an action packed week what with work – where I am now back to full time hours and loving it again – and me being all out and about doing stuff. I’m pretty exhausted to be honest and feel like I need some time to myself now. I guess that’s some more lessons: the diary doesn’t have to be completely full to ‘prove’ I’m okay and fancying a bit of time to yourself is fine because it’s entirely different from hiding.

I’m still not completely sure of the next step for How do you eat an elephant? I want to keep it up, but I’ve always thought about it as a blog about being mental. I suppose I could just write about the random stuff that goes in my head because at the end of the day it’s usually a bit mental  – it’s just not mental mental if you see what I mean? For now I suppose I’m just going to update on an as and when basis and see where that takes me. Taking things as they come eh? Go me! I have felt bad about being slightly absent here on WordPress for a while and I’m trying (in vain at the moment) to catch up keep up with my reading. I’m sure once I’m settled into my new routines I’ll get better although I do have to say that you lot are a fairly prolific bunch!

Nothing else to report today I’m afraid – I’ll fill you in on the details another time.

Hope you are doing okay

Love from WeeGee xxxx

*Which has been most of them of late

How to eat an elephant

As far as I can tell blogging has rather a lot in common with eating Pringles: once you pop you just can’t stop….. This is just a quick one though, because I don’t have a whole lot to say for myself – in fact I only have two things to share with you today and they’re both a little sentimental (such is my way)

Sentimental thing number one:

I was genuinely touched by the messages of encouragement I received in response to my last post. All the warmth and positivity really meant a lot to me, not least because the people who read my blog know and understand exactly where I’ve been and how hard I’ve worked to get to where I am. So – thank you for all the kind comments, not just yesterday but ever since I started blogging almost six months ago. I had no idea what a lovely little community I was stumbling into when I hit ‘publish’ for the first time. All I can say is I’m glad that I did because you guys are awesomely awesome.

Sentimental thing number two:

Over the last two years I’ve learned an awful lot of important lessons but I really wanted to share this one with you – it can and does get better. It might not get better forever and you’ll never know when you’re going to have to fight your way out of it again, but you will fight it and you will get out. Keep doing all the right things even when it seems to be making no difference at all. Eventually all those things come together and you start to see the light at the end of the tunnel.

In short? Keep on keeping on.

Turns out it is possible to eat an elephant after all. You just have to do it bite by bite (and keep your nerve when it gets really tough)

Much love to you all, WeeGee xx