A spot of quiet reflection

Today marks the six month anniversary of How do you eat an elephant? An appropriate point for a spot of quiet reflection methinks……

I suppose the first thing to say is the fact that WeeGee started doing something new six months ago and is still doing it today. That’s a big achievement what my tendency to move on to the next obsession a little too quickly and all. In six months my blog has changed quite a lot – I guess it takes a little while to find your feet. You know what though? I’m actually rather proud of my little blog –that I started it, that I’ve kept on doing it, that I’ve managed to turn it into something that matters to me. Me being proud of something I’ve done doesn’t happen very often so I’m definitely giving myself a little pat on the back today.

Now I’ve had my pat on the back I’ll do a bit more reflecting on stuff. I’ve been a reflective mood for a while, so I thought I might as well turn that into a post. To be honest I’ve been reflecting on pretty much everything, but neither you or I have time for that so I’ll focus on the most important bits.

A lot of my reflection has focused on where I’ve been and how I go about keeping myself where I am now for as long as possible. As to where I’ve been, well I’ve been lost somewhere totally shitty. Looking on the bright side I’ve learned an awful lot about myself along the way and I feel like I’m coming out the other side stronger. I know also, how I got to where I got to – holding on too tightly to things that actually, when I let go of them, just floated away without doing any damage at all. That tells me I need to learn to let go because once in a while letting go is the right thing to do.

Keeping myself here feels like a slightly daunting task. As much as I tell myself I can do it, or how much I feel like I can do it, I’m scared that one day, out of the blue I suddenly won’t be able to do it anymore. I can’t predict what’s going to happen in my life which means I can’t predict what’s going to happen in my brain. I can’t promise myself that where I am right now is going to be where I’ll be forever. That’s the thought I’ve been having and writing it down made me realise that maybe that’s the whole point. I don’t want to stay here forever and maybe I have a better chance of keeping myself well if I keep on moving.

I’m anxious about happens when Mr Clever decides I’m officially better and no longer need the medication and small army of support workers to get me through the day. I guess I just need to be on guard –  if I feel like things are getting risky I have make sure I do what I’ve been guilty of not doing in the past: shout up. That’s quite a big challenge I suppose, although in the main scheme of things I like a bit of a challenge every now and then.

I had a bit of a revelation during my recent session with Mrs Mountain. We were talking about what happens when all the support stops and I said something along the lines of “I can’t have counselling for the rest of my life”. Her response was “Why not?” And the penny dropped. Counselling isn’t just about putting yourself back together when you fall apart – it’s also about keeping yourself back together which is actually the most important part….

Moving on – a good deal of my reflection has been about Mr Friendly. I think that’s fairly natural. For a long time I thought I just wanted him back in my life – that, if I’m honest, Mr Friendly in my life was the only thing that would make me well again. Guess what? I’m getting well again all by myself. Mr Friendly will probably always be my friend and I’ll always love him. The big thing for me is that when I think about loving Mr Friendly now I think of a friendly, fond kind of love rather than whatever kind of ‘love’ we had when we were together. Being back together with Mr Friendly is actually a really bad idea, not least because he hurt me very badly. What he did, or rather the way he did what he did was anything but okay and it really doesn’t matter that he didn’t hurt me on purpose. The thing is I don’t have to forgive and forget all that stuff and I don’t need to pretend that it’s okay – I just need to accept it and then leave it in the past.

Anyway – we’re almost 1000 words later and that, I think, is enough quiet reflection for one day.

In summary, I’m feeling pleased with myself at the moment: I’m still learning lessons, and I’m finally fairly comfortable in my own skin. Long may it continue?

I might be back later to update you on the developments in my online dating experiment. It’s quite exciting really because for the first time in a very long time – I feel a bit of an adventure coming on!

Lots of love from WeeGee who is getting to the point where she barely recognises herself and likes it!

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21 comments

  1. Proud of you WeeGee!! Things have changed so much in the short time I’ve been reading your blog, you’ve achieved so much! I’m very glad things are going well for you, and you should give yourself lots of pats on the back!! 🙂 xx

  2. I am so proud of you. I hope it is okay to say that and it doesn’t sound patronising. I just am. And there’s no other words for it. I look up to you. And please tell me we can still meet one day. xx

    1. It’s absolutely fine for you to say that and really nice to hear – thank you!Of course we can still meet – when you feel ready to do that. There’s no rush though I’m not going anywhere Mrs. xxx

      1. Good. When I’ve got rid of this virus I’m going to try really hard to start going out to see people. Cat and I are also going to go out for the first time 🙂 xx

  3. How fantastic! I hope I can make it to at least 6 months too 🙂

    I’m glad to see your reflections are mostly positive and your support people seem like a good sort. I was a little startled to read that “Why not?” about Counseling myself. I never thought of it as a long-term thing either. But it makes sense.

    Online dating, huh? I’m looking forward to hearing about it!

    1. Oh I will keep you posted. It’s good fun and slightly amusing 🙂 I hope you make it to six months too – I’m sure you will xx

      Oh and that counselling thing – it makes so much sense doesn’t it? Glad I prompted the thought for you. xxx

  4. Hi, guess who? I started a new blog because I said way too much on the old one.
    You’re right though about the constant therapy thing. It was the biggest thing I had to learn about meds. That they werent just there for when I was in a crisis, they were there to stop me getting in one in the first place.
    Loves.
    Oh my blog is at, http://carryonrecovering.wordpress.com/
    I have 3 blogs on this name. Lol.
    Its adverseuniverse if you havent already guessed.

    1. Hey Kiddo – I knew it was you when I saw your name. Funnily enough I tried to visit your blog earlier and was a bit worried that it was marked private.

      Hope you aren’t deleting fully. You might want to look back over it at some point at the future – you’ve been on one hell of a journey .

      Anyway – glad to see you back and I’m looking forward to seeing where your next chapter takes you xxx

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