Yesterday I was having one of my little thinks about some stuff that I didn’t want to talk about. Unfortunately my little think didn’t turn out so well in the end and today I am mostly having a huge crisis of faith. Sigh…..
In some ways I feel more like myself than I have for a very long time, but at the same time I’m beginning to wonder if you can actually know who you are if you’ve spent the last two years of your life hiding from the world and wishing, more than anything, that you could will yourself to die in the night. I keep thinking about all the time I’ve lost – the time that I’ve filled up with nothing; the time that everybody else filled up with lots of different somethings and I end up feeling all small and insignificant again.
I suppose this is just WeeGee getting a bit scared because a second date feels like a fairly big deal in her book. It’s probably little more than a natural crisis of faith and I’ll get myself through it and then wonder what all of the fuss was about. I think maybe I’m feeling a bit overwhelmed, not by Mr Smiley but by the way that I feel about Mr Smiley and all the other stuff that I’m feeling and trying to make sense of.
When I’m overwhelmed I hide, and I don’t want to hide – not now. So I’m posting this one for the sake of posterity and as a little public promise to myself: WeeGee will not go into hiding, and will not feel small and insignificant, and will definitely go to dinner later and will almost certainly have a perfectly super time.
Wish me luck
Lots of love from a slightly wobbly WeeGee xxxxxx