All of the feelings

I’m finding being me quite interesting at the moment. I’ve been so used to feeling nothing but misery and now I have all of the feelings at my disposal and I’m feeling them all, often at the same time. Feeling all of the feelings at the same time is a little bit confusing but it’s also pretty damn AWESOME because there’s no room for extremities when the opposite feeling is swimming around at the same time – it’s like a natural mood stabiliser which comes in pretty handy when you’re mental and prone to being ‘a bit all over the place’

Perhaps you will have noticed that I’ve had several of my little thinks over the past week or so. I think my favourite bit about recovery is finally having the freedom to think about things without fear that I’m going to think myself to the edge of a cliff. I’m starting to figure things out – like who I’ve been and who I am and who I want to be.

I’m also starting to really understand what went wrong between Mr Friendly and I and have accepted that he didn’t make me any more happy than I made him but that I was too scared to admit that on account of black and white thinking and a strong emotional attachment. I also realise that an awful lot of that feeling small and insignificant thing I do lies firmly at the door of our relationship, because it wasn’t a relationship that made me feel valued, or loved, or remotely attractive. I think my brief encounter with Mr Smiley reminded me that there are all kinds of other guys out there, and all kinds of other relationships and it isn’t worth having a relationship that makes you feel the way I used to feel about myself.

I’ve also been having a rethink about online dating because I worked something out. I worked out what I’m looking for and what I’m looking for isn’t just someone to share my life with, or someone who will hold my hand and make me think I never want them to let go or even somebody who will have the patience to get to know me slowly and surely. What I really want is to meet my best friend and then fall in love with him in the fullness of time. And that realisation changes the way I go about things.

Anyway – that’s no matter. My lovely friend Mrs Sparkle is here again, because we had such a lovely girly Saturday last week that we decided to do it again. We have a lot of things to gossip about including:

  • Whether WeeGee dares to phone Mr I’m Quite Handsome and ask if he’d like to update her on the web portal over a glass of wine
  • Whether WeeGee can really go on a date with a guy who is younger than her brother who she refers to as her ‘little’ brother
  • Whether it is a good idea for WeeGee to go on a date with a psychologist who specialises in eating disorders

I know I moaned on about watching X Factor last week, but I’m looking forward to it tonight because it’s quite entertaining poking fun at Mrs Sparkle who is simultaneously cool enough to list stiff little fingers as her favourite band and tragic enough to be a little bit in love with James Arthur.

Meanwhile in other news, I have spent the last two months perfecting a risotto recipe but what’s the betting I don’t do it perfectly when I try to cook it for someone else? Nothing else to report today save that WeeGee is all back and bouncy and excitable again.

Lots of love, WeeGeeeeeeeee xxxx

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8 comments

  1. Yay WeeGee!! 😀 Seems like you’re getting a lot more insight into everything now that you can think about things better 🙂 I’m really happy for you! And your girly night in sounds lovely, hope you had a great time!! I think it would be really good if you ask Mr I’m Quite Handsome for a glass of wine, because whatever happens you probably gain a friend or a potential boyfriend – win win!! 🙂 And I hope the risotto turned out well, I want risotto now you’ve mentioned it! xxx

    1. We had a great time thanks although I’m not sure I’ll ever get my brave up as far as Mr I’m Quite Handsome is concerned because he really is quite handsome!

      My risotto went well and all is well in the world xoxoxox

  2. I’m glad you’re in a good state. It sounds absolutely fabulous. And I love the mental freedom. It sounds exciting and wonderful.

    Don’t regret Mr. Smiley. You said so yourself, there was a lesson to be learned there. Anything that brings us closer to understanding and enlightenment is a good thing. Even as bad as it may have went.

    I have to tell you, your theory with relationships has to be the closest to correct that there is. I saw buckwheatsrisk above was saying the same thing I’m about to tell you. Marrying your best friend is the right idea.

    I’ve written about it so much, but I’ll say it again. Xan and I are about to enter our 11th year as friends. We met through my high school sweetheart who was then his college roommate. In our friendship, we saw so many ups and downs, but one thing remained constant. We just constantly revolved around one another. No matter what happened, we always managed to come back together.

    He had seen me in some seriously bad places. He watched me go jilted ex-girlfriend psycho and wreck my ex’s room when I found out he cheated on me. And then, he covered for me by destroying the rest of the apartment and claimed we just had a wild party. I never had to ask. He just did it.

    He realized that he was in love with me years before I ever realized it. He used to write me poems under the guise of some far away muse. He wrote a whole collection called “Poems of Saturnalia”, taking the Saturnalia from my ruling astrological sign. I used to do unconscious loving gestures, like clean his apartment and make him meals. I used to care for him when he got entirely too drunk, and throw him little parties for nothing. I never realized that I was doing it as more than a friend.

    And one day, we became roommates again and I broke up with my ex. And we came together. It was the most natural thing. We never dated, because we spent the last five years essentially dating. We already knew the others darkest secrets and deepest hopes. We had already been over the baggage and been witness to the wreckage when bad things happened.

    We were married in under a year.

    I don’t regret anything. Not that I was married in my early 20’s. Not that I put my aspirations of finishing college and becoming a career woman aside. I had him. That’s all I could ever truly want in my life, for the rest of my life.

      1. It was funny how all of our friends knew it before we did. Unfortunately, it caused a lot of trouble. We both saw other people before seeing each other, and it was pretty obvious to them. I went back to seeing my ex at certain points, and now that I look back on it, the only time he ever tried to make a move on me was when he thought Xan might try. Xan had no intention of doing so, because he was tried and true to his ex, no matter how much he despised her.

        That was another problem was his ex. She was very jealous, and I guess with good reason. I never had any intention of moving in on him. I mean, every girl had a crush on him. I won’t be modest for him, because he’s a gorgeous and intelligent man. He was extremely sought after.

        But, I wasn’t one of them. I didn’t even realize I was attracted to him until one day, when we were living together the second time, he invited me to sit with him and talk while he got a shower. I only saw him with his shirt off, and while he was not my general type, something struck me.

        There was one girl who brought it to my attention. I guess it didn’t matter to her anymore, because she had tried and failed in the past. Interestingly enough, this was the same girl I spent most of my college years being jealous of. (Jealous of what? I look back now…) Later, when we had a falling out, she came back with, “I hope you two are happy together. You deserve each other.” Ha ha ha! We do. But most of the time, when we’re being evil, it’s a mutual effort for a combined front. We’re serious jerks sometimes, LOL.

  3. You know with my Hubby and I, we never dated. We were “friends” for three years…I treated him really badly those three years as I was subconsciencly (sp?) afraid of his care and friendship. He never gave up on me a he saw I was in pain. Then one day my best friend and I realized that we were in love. We went from barely speaking (because of my pushing him away) to engaged and married in three months. That’s the short version of our story. 🙂 I have now been married to my best friend for 9 years.

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