Month: February 2013

Password

Hi guys.

Sorry about the protected post. Email me if you want the password.

WeeGee xoxoxo

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Hope is the thing with feathers*

Today I have mostly been thinking that Mr Hilarious was absolutely right when he said there’s a big difference between WeeGee being all brave and independent and hard hearted and WeeGee cutting off her nose to spite her face. I do so hate it when Mr Hilarious is right……

I spent the day at the hospital having a ‘procedure’ A small and non life threatening procedure, but a scary one nonetheless. It ended exactly the way I had been told it would but hoped it wouldn’t. Being prepared is all very well and good but hope, it would seem, is so much stronger.

I don’t know why I insisted on going by myself, except for maybe I didn’t want anyone to see the hope I was pretending not to carry around with me. Still. I shouldn’t have gone by myself because I didn’t need to be lonely on top of scared and sad. There’s a lesson there – WeeGee shouldn’t be doing tough stuff by herself BECAUSE SHE DOESN’T HAVE TO.

When I got home I put the radio on and a song came on that took today and wrapped it all up in a neat little nutshell. It’s funny the way insignificant things take on significance when you’re in the right frame of mind:

It’s a sad little song, isn’t it? That said I also happen to think it’s filled full of hope and we’ve already established how strong hope can be.

I’m conscious that this is one of those cryptic posts I spit out every so often. I’m sorry I can’t be more candid yet. To be fair this is as close as I’ve come to a password protected post in the history of How do you eat an elephant?

Anyway. This evening I shall mostly be feeling a bit tender, and a bit sad, and a bit hopeful. I’ve decided to hang out online for company because it occurred to me today that my online friends don’t really exist. I mean that in the nicest possible way though, because what doesn’t exist can’t hurt you.

Sending HUGE hugs in the hope I get one or two back because that’s the kind of mood I’m in today.

Lots of love, WeeGee xoxoxox

* Borrowed from one of my favourite Emily Dickinson poems:

Hope

Hope is the thing with feathers
That perches in the soul,
And sings the tune–without the words,
And never stops at all,

And sweetest in the gale is heard;
And sore must be the storm
That could abash the little bird
That kept so many warm.

I’ve heard it in the chillest land,
And on the strangest sea;
Yet, never, in extremity,
It asked a crumb of me.

Hitch hiking all the way to Planet Mental

Today I have mostly been wondering exactly how many idiots there are in the world and just how many more of them I’m destined to meet and mistake for a nice person….. What can I say? People are endlessly disappointing.

You know me – I don’t mind people being mixed up, or confused, or frightened, or sad, or mental or anything else for that matter. I take people as I find them on the understanding that human beings only really want to be kind to one another. Trouble is – not many people seem to be able to understand that too. Mr Hilarious pointed out that ‘perhaps it’s time for WeeGee to harden her heart and stop letting all and sundry live there’ Perhaps it is, but that doesn’t feel like the right thing to do, not really. I wish I knew what the right thing to do is…..

Can somebody give me a lift to Planet Mental?

Anyway – enough of all that. Just a quick reminder that I’ve got me a little WeeGee shaped space on Facebook if you’d like to join me:

http://www.facebook.com/HungryElephant

Incidentally if you’d like to add the real me you are very welcome to. Discretion guaranteed and my status updates are every bit as pithy and witty as you’d expect 🙂

I don’t have much else to say for myself today. All is well but I felt the need to a) have a little moan and b) engage in a spot of shameless self promotion.

Here’s a song. It is a song what I like:

The end

HUGE love, WeeGee xoxoxo

Pinch of salt

So. This morning we had the gloomy little post and this evening we get the WeeGee is a tearful desperate little mess post. I know I’m really tired and I have to take it all with a pinch of salt but I don’t know what to do. I’m frightened.

I did two years where there was nothing wrong except for my brain. I survived it and came out the other side but now my brain is fine and everything is wrong and I don’t know what to do with it all. This is one hell of a mess. I almost wish I’d never got better, and that I’d stayed in hiding because as miserable as I might have been there was still the hope of what getting better was going to be like. I didn’t think it was going to be like this.

All I ever wanted was the leave the chaos behind, to do the right thing, to find myself a safe little spot on planet earth. I never cared about being happy. I just wanted to be okay. This is ridiculous. Why can’t I just be okay?

When I was officially mental I always knew what I had to do. I had on doing the right thing, and dig myself out of the hole, and focus on being all awesome and stuff. I’m not mental anymore and there’s nothing I can do to dig myself out of the hole. How do you keep a roof over your head when you can barely afford to buy a cup of tea? How do you square up to the Worst Thing Ever Take Two when its all your fault anyway and no-one cared to start with because you were only ever just a body to them. And easily left behind.

This isn’t making sense, I know that. But I need to say it out loud. I need it all to go away because this is going to make me ill and I can’t be ill anymore. I don’t have the courage or strength to do it all again. I wish there was a magic wand but I know better than anybody that it’s all just staging, and misdirection and sleight of hand.

It sounds so dramatic, but this feels like where the story ends. Because where do you go from the end anyway. There’s nothing after the end.

I’m tired. I need a pinch of salt, and some sleep and maybe some Frank Turner. Somehow this will all be okay in the morning, right?

Love you all lots, like jelly tots. WeeGee xoxoxo

And now for something completely different….

Evening folks.

Today I decided it was time to put some of those grand plans I’ve been making in my head into action, because I’ve been sitting on my backside doing nothing for too long and I’m bored of sitting on my backside doing nothing and the only way to remedy that is to get up and get on.

I’m proud of How do you eat an elephant? I like what I’ve achieved here, and what we’ve done together and I think we’re all pretty damn AWESOME so I figured we might as well tell a whole different world about how AWESOME we are.

Ladies and gentlemen….. I give you How do you eat an elephant? on Facebook:

http://www.facebook.com/HungryElephant

I really hope you’ll head across and join me because I promise we’re going to have a whole lot of WeeGee shaped fun over there. It’s going to be an AWESOME and hilarious little place, where everybody is welcome and hugs are available on tap. Not only that – there’s even a PRIZE for follower number one…..

Go on. You’ll never know what you’re missing unless you try it.

Lots and lots of love (and I’m going to feel a bit foolish if no-one comes to the party) WeeGee xoxoxoxoxo

Here we to again

Today I have mostly been staying at home taking care of myself because the past few days have been pretty rotten and when things get rotten WeeGee forgets to take care of herself. I was all up and ready to go when I remembered one of the important lessons I learned during the last bad patch: sometimes you have to stop until you’re ready to start again. Today is about getting myself back on the starting blocks before everything gets out of hand.

Taking care of yourself is quite easy. It’s about being kind to yourself, and letting yourself relax, and reminding yourself that wherever you happen to be is exactly where the future starts because the thing about the future is that it just keeps on coming at you. That there is another one of those valuable lessons that I’ve learned along the way.

Whilst we’re on the subject of lessons I might as well remind myself of this one: if you find yourself vulnerable, and tired, and a little bit hormonal to boot you ABSOLUTELY MUST eat because if you add starving to vulnerable, tired and a little bit hormonal you end up with the perfect storm on your hands and you start behaving like a proper nutter.

I spoke to Mrs Mountain earlier because it felt like the right thing to do even though we’ve got an appointment tomorrow. As always she was wise, and kind and patient and she reminded me that I don’t have to figure it all out by myself, and that maybe this isn’t really about the things I’m making it about and that I’ve been okay before which means it is an absolute certainty that I’m going to be okay again. She also reminded me that receiving a mahoosive gas bill isn’t really the kind of thing that ought to drive you to almost jump out of the window because it’s only money and money is the thing that matters least in life and if you jump out the window all the things that really matter disappear as well.

Anyway I’m on a bit of a mission today – I’ve got lists to write, and things to face up to, and help to ask for. Above all else I’ve got music to listen to, and a cat to cuddle and an awful lot AWESOME stuff to look forward to. I keep thinking about bouncebackability and remembering the WeeGee is like a weeble because it doesn’t matter how much she wobbles she never ever falls down.

Meanwhile in other news Gryff has been a super little cat so far today. Every time I sit down he takes it upon himself to sit with me purring in that simple contented fashion that cats do – it’s as though he’s trying to pass on some of his contentedness to me, and I think it might be working. Nothing else to report today save it’s upwards and onwards once more……

Loads and loads of love, and a bit of Gryff’s contentedness, WeeGee xoxoxox

An awesome little alien

I’m a bit late with my post tonight because I’ve been really busy being an awesome little alien and stuff like that.

As per my last post, today was The Future Day One which basically meant I had to a) do some things I’ve been putting off, b) face up to some problems I’ve been ignoring and c) get on with all that upwards and onwards, keep on keeping on stuff that I’ve gotten so good at in recent months. Which is exactly what I’ve been doing. I’ve been reminded that when I put my mind to it I can be determined and ever so slightly formidable which really does beg the question – why don’t I put my mind to it more often?

Apart from doing things, and facing up to stuff and keeping on keeping on I have mostly been thinking about social media because I am, after all, a geek and also because tonight was the first night in the AWESOME ‘building a brand using social media’ course that I signed up for at work. I’m already filled full of ideas and theories and thoughts and I can’t wait until next week to find out more.

Meanwhile in other news all is well in WeeGee land. Nothing else to report today save that have you heard this song? It’s AWESOME:

Lots of love and hugs and warm thoughts from WeeGee xoxoxo

Oh wow

It’s quite something to be immortalised, but it’s even more special when you are immortalised by your alien brain twin. I can’t tell you how much this means to me – Sailor: it is you who is gold to the core because you sent this message, and this peace, and this hope today – exactly when I needed it the most. See you on the mother ship xoxoxoxox