Pinch of salt

So. This morning we had the gloomy little post and this evening we get the WeeGee is a tearful desperate little mess post. I know I’m really tired and I have to take it all with a pinch of salt but I don’t know what to do. I’m frightened.

I did two years where there was nothing wrong except for my brain. I survived it and came out the other side but now my brain is fine and everything is wrong and I don’t know what to do with it all. This is one hell of a mess. I almost wish I’d never got better, and that I’d stayed in hiding because as miserable as I might have been there was still the hope of what getting better was going to be like. I didn’t think it was going to be like this.

All I ever wanted was the leave the chaos behind, to do the right thing, to find myself a safe little spot on planet earth. I never cared about being happy. I just wanted to be okay. This is ridiculous. Why can’t I just be okay?

When I was officially mental I always knew what I had to do. I had on doing the right thing, and dig myself out of the hole, and focus on being all awesome and stuff. I’m not mental anymore and there’s nothing I can do to dig myself out of the hole. How do you keep a roof over your head when you can barely afford to buy a cup of tea? How do you square up to the Worst Thing Ever Take Two when its all your fault anyway and no-one cared to start with because you were only ever just a body to them. And easily left behind.

This isn’t making sense, I know that. But I need to say it out loud. I need it all to go away because this is going to make me ill and I can’t be ill anymore. I don’t have the courage or strength to do it all again. I wish there was a magic wand but I know better than anybody that it’s all just staging, and misdirection and sleight of hand.

It sounds so dramatic, but this feels like where the story ends. Because where do you go from the end anyway. There’s nothing after the end.

I’m tired. I need a pinch of salt, and some sleep and maybe some Frank Turner. Somehow this will all be okay in the morning, right?

Love you all lots, like jelly tots. WeeGee xoxoxo

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18 comments

  1. I’m sorry things are so hard. What I can tell you is Hubby and I were a day or two away from bankruptcy when things changed for the better. Sometimes it takes getting to the end for something new and amazing to show itself.

    lotsa love and hugs. remember you’re not alone xo

  2. Love to you, sweets. I fight pain, depression, fatigue daily. Sometimes in a moment by moment way. I’m not wishing a magic wand for you, I’m wishing strength for the journey and perspective for how very far you’ve come. You are still quite awesome no matter the circumstances. 🙂

  3. 😥 My lovely, I am so sorry things feel so not okay right now. And no wonder really. Financial stress is awful. And it sounds like you have an extremely heavy plate full of that. You are doing so well to face this. It could be so easy to just slip back to old ways as an escape but you know you are worth more than that now. Are you talking to people in your life? Your parents for example? Don’t fight this alone – problem shared problem halved and all that? xxx

  4. I’m so sorry things are so bad at the moment. I know it is very hard but these times will pass and things will get better, even though I know it seems like they won’t at the moment. Sending you lots of Ellie hugs and support xxx

  5. Breathe – that’s the single most important thing you have to do right now. Breathe. This might be the end – the end of a chapter. But that means you’re about to start the beginning of a new chapter, and that’s kind of exciting. I know it all seems impossible right now, I’ve been there myself. Take it one breath at a time and you’ll find your way through it. And we’re all here to lend an ear when you need to vent – don’t ever apologize for that. You were strong enough to get better from being mental, you’re strong enough to tackle this, too.

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