Month: March 2013

Wrong frame of mind

I’ve spent most of today being in the ‘wrong frame of mind’ – at least according to Mr Hilarious’ analysis. I’m not sure what I’m in the ‘wrong frame of mind’ for unless it’s life on planet earth……

Pfffffffft.

To be honest I feel a lot like swearing but not in my usual casual way, in fact, I feel like saying all the REALLY bad words I know just because I can. Then again, that wouldn’t make for a very good post, would it?

I think I’m mostly just tired. I’m tired of my job, and of my friends, and of my family, but most of all I think I’m tired of being awake. I’ve actually been awake for quite a long time despite my very best efforts to the contrary.

Tonight I keep thinking that I wish people would just let me be, trust me to know myself, and have some faith in the fact that WeeGee might be a lot of things but being a TOTAL IDIOT really isn’t one of them.

I know that people are trying to care and I know I’m lucky that they do but one of these days I’m going to have to step back out into the real world without a safety net. It’s tough I guess for the people who dragged me out of the dark but now I’m out of it I need to be in charge again because when it comes down to it I’m a strong little thing and when I’m well it’s my way or the highway.

Above all else I’d like everybody to just leave me alone for a while and stop with all this wisdom that doesn’t always sound very wise to me. What I really need is for someone to tell me that all is, and will be well. Because WeeGee is a strong and independent woman who can work all this stuff out by herself. And because things don’t always have to end badly – because sometimes they don’t have to end at all.

And if any of this made any sense to you….. Welcome to planet mental

Love you lots

WeeGee xoxoxoxo

Nothing to say for myself

It would seem that my writers block has returned because as much as I want to blog, I don’t actually know what to say. I mean I’m all okay, and fine, and perhaps even a bit bouncy and excitable – it’s just that my voice seems to have disappeared. Where do you think it is? Do I really have to wake up at five in the morning to find a few words and put them in the right order?

Give me a minute……

Nope. I’ve got nothing.

Hey ho. At least I tried. I wish I could find some words because I’ve got lots to tell you about and some of it is actually good. Good news doesn’t come around too often here in WeeGee land so I’m looking forward to sharing it. Maybe tomorrow, eh?

Anyway. We might as well have a song since I’ve nothing to say for myself. It’s an old song that I’d forgotten all about until yesterday. It’s one of those songs that makes a lot of sense to me. I don’t really know why:

Loadsa love from an uncharacteristically quiet WeeGee xoxoxo

Don’t mention the time

This post is going to be a bit like an episode of Fawltey Towers insofar as that no matter what happens it is absolutely imperative that you DON’T MENTION THE TIME because it is unspeakably early and WeeGee isn’t asleep and she’s not exactly over the moon about it.

I haven’t been able to blog for a little while because all of the words had fallen out of my head and every time I tried to write something all I could achieve was a blank page. Perhaps being awake at six o’clock on a Sunday morning is the cure for wordy block because I’ve already written 107 words and I’m sure there are a few more where they came from. And yes, of course I mentioned the time. It’s impossible not to mention the time when you are awake at six o’clock on a Sunday morning……

The last time I wrote I felt like my heart had been stolen and replaced with a stone and I was worried about how I was going to go about finding my heart again. It turns out I didn’t need to worry because the answer was staring me square in the face: when you lose your heart all you need is for somebody to come along and help you find it. Every once in a while it occurs to me that the world is actually quite a nice place to live, because every once in a while the world delivers the very thing you need at the very time you need it. For now, that’s all I’m going to say about that, but you can rest assured that all will become clear because when it comes to you guys I can’t keep a secret to save my life xoxoxo

It’s a quarter past six now (yes, I know I mentioned the time) and I’m up to 308 words: take that wordy block.

I’ve had a busy week what with having a social life and having a job and having one of my little thinks. The highlight of my social life was the ever lovely Roddy Woomble at the Jazz Cafe* The highlight of my working week was a rather triumphant project sign off and the highlight of my little think was remembering that I am well enough to have a week long little think without jumping off the cliff. Go me.

06:24. 400 words on the nose. Do you think 400 words mean that my writers block is cured?

I’m looking forward to today because I’ve got an awesome little day to myself planned and I do so love an awesome little day to myself. I’ve decided that today is going to be about doing all of the things that WeeGee loves doing when she’s by herself – like tidying up, and cooking, and knitting, and reading all the lovely blogs that I keep not finding the time to read. Sorry about that by the way.

Anyway. I’ve made it to six thirty and I’ve just tipped the 500 word mark, so I think I might call it a day, hit publish and see if I can’t get myself back to sleep for a little while. You never know, I might even be back later because I’ve picked up a couple of those exciting blog awards and its about time I got around to accepting them.

I leave you today with a song. I’ve known the song for quite a while, but I hadn’t really noticed exactly how beautiful it was until I heard it live and my heart melted:

06:33. 599 words. Over and out.

Lots of love, WeeGee xoxoxoxoxox

*Actually, there was another social highlight but I’m keeping it to myself for now 🙂

Stone

I figured it was about time I did a bit of an update from WeeGee land because it’s been a while. It’s not so much that I’ve been putting it off it’s just that I haven’t really known where to start…..

I wonder where I should start?

So. On a scale of one to mental, I don’t think I’m mental at all. Which is good. At the same time, I’m not convinced that I’m entirely myself. From the outside looking in it must seem that I am because I’m doing a good job of pretending to be me – all jaunty and hilarious and AWESOME. But something isn’t quite right. In fact it feels a lot like my big swollen heart got swapped out for a stone. How on earth do you go about finding your heart again?

I’m not used to being so distant and separate from the people I care about. I’m not sure I like it, but I keep coming back to the notion that the harder your heart is the less you get hurt. Maybe I’m doing this on purpose. Maybe shutting the whole world out is perfectly rational in light of everything? I don’t know…..

I’ve a lot to be sad about right now. I need to remember that and accept that sad is okay sometimes. I’ve also got a few things to care about. I need to remember that as as well and accept that one of these days caring is going to have a happy ending. Whatever that might be.

In summary? I’m a bit mixed up but holding on tight.

Love you all lots and lots xoxoxoxoxox

A little favour?

Good evening folks. How’s it all going?

You know me – I’m not in the habit of asking for favours, but this is an important one. A good friend of mine has a nephew who’s hoping to make it all the way to the World Dwarf Games in the USA, but he needs a little help to get there.

I’ve never met Tom, but I have met people who care about him which is why I’m sharing this link in the hope that you will be able to help by a) donating whatever you can OR b) sharing the link on your blog, Facebook, Twitter – whatever. The more people who know about this the more support Tom will get and that’s the name of the game.

http://www.gofundme.com/28io0k

It’ll only take you a minute to support a proper actual superstar in achieving his potential…. Awww – go on, there are lots of mental people – we could get some momentum going…..

🙂

Lots of love from WeeGee xoxoxoxox

Because it was there

Today I have mostly been thinking about how far I’ve come since this time last year. When I think back to how I felt, and I how ill I actually was in March 2012 it’s tempting to come to the conclusion that I’m a different person altogether…

It was a fairly standard Sunday in WeeGee land – brunch with Mr Brave, a good long run, a chit chat with Mrs Sparkle, and making French onion soup with a bit of soccer ball in the background for good measure. It’s hardly rock and roll but when you compare it to curling up in a teeny tiny ball wishing you were dead you have to admit it’s a pretty damn sweet life I’ve got going on for myself now.

Even the setbacks don’t feel too much like setbacks anymore. When rubbish things happen now I recognise that although they might make me feel sad they are little more than the ‘contingencies of life’ and that whatever you think, or however you feel, life will keep going on so long as you’re prepared to let it. I wish I could pinpoint the moment when I decided that all this living stuff was for me, but I can’t; it just kind of crept up on me.

This week has been and gone now. It was a fairly solemn week what with one thing and another but IT WASN’T THE END OF THE WORLD. This week was just another week where things, and stuff and what not happened and where WeeGee faced up to it all and said I STILL WANT TO BE ALIVE THANKS ALL THE SAME.

More than anything this week I feel like I’ve suddenly realised that this is what recovery feels like. It isn’t perfect – sometimes I get sad, sometimes I cry until I can’t cry anymore, sometimes I wish there was a stop button and sometimes I just want to hide. But most of the time I’m still out there, doing my little thing and climbing that impossibly tall mountain that goes by the name of life.

WeeGee: intrepid and fearless mountaineer.

HUGE ginormous hugs from WeeGee xoxoxox