Month: April 2013

World. Shut. Your. Mouth.

I’ve been feeling a bit ‘world shut your mouth’ for the past couple of days which would be a total pain in the arse if only I could bring myself to care. I hate feeling like this but I’m consoling myself with the fact that I only feel like this for a couple of days at a time now which is infinitely better than it being the perpetual state of affairs for months and months at a time. What a bleak way of looking on the bright side.

When I got up this morning I decided it was high time that WeeGee had herself a bit of a hide because when you’re feeling a bit ‘world shut your mouth’ and your brain is full of thoughts and feelings that you can’t figure out a bit of a hide is the only thing for it.

Sometimes you have to stop the world so you can find a way to make sense of your place in it……

As to whether I feel any better at the end of my hide? Who knows. I’m still a little tired of the world, but maybe not as tired as I was to start with. Perhaps that’s just the way it goes, and I simply have to get used to being tired of the world and the people in it every once in a while. It’s a shame because I much prefer it when everything is AWESOME.

I suppose I managed to remember one or two things – like how worrying is pointless, and how I can only ever be the person I am, and how I can’t stop the thoughts but I can choose what to do with them. Spot the lifetime in counselling. I wonder if that’s the problem? Maybe I’m tired of the fact that my tendency to being mental always has to shape the way I live my life.

I know that things are getting under my skin at the moment and that I ought not to let them but it really doesn’t work like that. Maybe I am a bit ‘clucky’ but it’s not the sort of thing your best friend ought to point out to you, all things considered. Maybe I would be a ‘high flier’ at work if I didn’t have the problems I do – but where does knowing that get me? Maybe wearing my heart on my sleeve is going to leave me hurting – but it’s always lived there and I don’t know where else to put it.

Today I think I’d like it if running away was an option. I’d happily board a spaceship and cross my fingers that I ended up landing amongst my kin. I’ve been wondering if there’s such a thing – WeeGee’s kin that is – because it occurs that I’m really lonely even though my life is filled full of people.

Meanwhile in other news there is nothing else to report save that I love you all lots like jelly tots. Oh. And I’ll be back tomorrow being even more AWESOME than before.

WeeGee xoxoxo

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WeeGee has a bit of a birthday

Once upon a time WeeGee didn’t write a blog but then one day she decided to start one. And it was one of the smartest decisions she ever made……

It isn’t often that you know exactly what you were doing this time last year and it usually isn’t a good thing when you do. Up until now, my anniversaries have always been sad – the anniversary of someone leaving, or something ending, or something sad happening. Today is something of a novel anniversary for me because today marks the one year anniversary of my blog. That, by the way, is a very happy anniversary.

I suppose the first thing to note is that my blog has survived this long. It wasn’t one of my fads which was all AWESOME in one of my awesome moments and forgotten the next. I’ve managed to see it through, to tend it, and let it grow. That in itself marks WeeGee coming along quite nicely thank you very much.

But it’s so much more than that. Blogging has been good for me. Writing the experience of my life has been the most valuable tool I’ve ever found in terms of getting, and keeping myself well. Having a blog to keep up to date forces me to live in the moment and to remember that life is nothing more than a series of moments brought together. Blogging has taught me more than I ever thought I’d know about the holy grail that is the ‘here and now’.

When I started writing my blog this time last year I was at a very low ebb. I wanted to make it, but didn’t know if I could. I was in a bad place – I wanted to be dead, I didn’t care about anything, I was on first name terms with the staff in my local A&E. It was only a matter of time before I did myself a serious mischief.

And then there’s now. I don’t want to be dead, and I care about more things that I could possibly mention. Better still it’s months since I last turned up at A&E to be patched up, or put right, or because I had nowhere else to go. The best of all? I want to be alive and the things I care about are AWESOME.

A year on and I’m doing well. It’s been a fantastic journey and I love all of the people I’ve connected with along the way. It strikes me that my online life mirrors my real life in that I’ve always been really lucky when it comes to friends.

So anyway, this is WeeGee checking in one year later. She’s still a bit vulnerable and wonky. But mostly she’s eating the elephant because that’s what this year has been all about.

All you can do is the right things. It can, and does, get better in time.

Love you all lots like jelly tots xoxoxo

It’s not all bad

Today I have mostly been feeling a little bit grey, ever so slightly tearful, and a tad over suspicious. As in all at the same time. That’s a lot of different ways to be feeling all at the same time…….

I’m still not feeling very well* but I was bored out of my block with being at home by lunchtime so I decided to go into work anyway on account of the fact that my temperature had come down to a reasonable level and because all I was doing at home was sitting and thinking which is pretty much what I do at work anyway. It didn’t end well because as soon as I found myself in the company of other people I discovered I really couldn’t be bothered with the company of other people** and also because I wasn’t my usual organised and efficient self which very nearly resulted in a disastrous ‘reply all’ error on my part.

Anyway – I’m home now with a very tired body and a wide awake brain. Wide awake brain is over focusing on a little thought and if I’m perfectly honest it’s threatening to drive me round the bend. The thing is I know that it’s a completely STUPID and ridiculously suspicious thought, but you know how it is with STUPID and ridiculously suspicious thoughts – they have a habit of hanging around driving you round the bend. For now, I’ve decided to park my little thought until I’ve had a chance to speak to someone sensible about it*** because I’m in danger of a) asking a stupid and suspicious question b) looking like a bit of an arsehole as a result and possibly c) not liking the answer because it turns out that somebody I think is nice is actually a bit of an arsehole**** And that’s why I’m feeling a little suspicious today. As for the feeling grey and tearful – I’m putting that down to being tired and poorly.

It’s not all bad in WeeGee land though. For a start I haven’t got a temperature of a million and three anymore. Which is nice. I’ve also got Frank Turner’s new album to keep me company. That’s nice as well. I think also, I might have managed to accidentally learn an important lesson into the bargain. Maybe that’s the nicest thing of all.

I’m conscious that I don’t seem to be mentioning Mr X on my blog very often, which is kinda strange given he’s a big part of my life at the moment. It’s interesting, because as far as Mr X is concerned I’m not all AWESOME, even though everything is perfectly awesome. I think the point is that I seem to have found a way to feel stuff without being consumed by it which is to say I’ve learned how to grow feelings. Until now a feeling either was or it wasn’t, and if it was it was everything. Now – well now I can feel the way I feel, without getting all carried away and lost and I can wait to see what happens. I think I might be nurturing it and tending it whilst also being aware of the way that feelings sometimes turn out in a different way than you expected them to. It feels like a happy and healthy way to be feeling – about myself, about another person, and about a relationship.

Funny sort of a post tonight, but one that makes a lot of sense and marks a lot of progress and signals some hope for the future.

If I wasn’t so poorly sick and ever so slightly suspicious I’d put today down as a good day!

Love you lots and lots and lots, WeeGee xoxoxox

*that’s another feeling
**idiots were lucky not to have been poked in the eye
***i know you guys are sensible but I think it needs to be a real world chat
****i love that my iPad autocorrects arsehole as arseholebastards.

A little bit of a disaster

This is the news: WeeGee is properly poorly sick and being properly poorly sick has TOTALLY ruined her AWESOME plans for the weekend. WeeGee is a little bit grumpy in consequence but is somehow a lot more chipper than you might expect. I don’t know why I’m slightly chipper as well as very grumpy, unless, of course, it’s because I’m mental……

So – a rotten stinking bout of poorly sickness turned up which meant I had to stay at home in bed instead of meeting up with my besties and then going to see Frank Turner TWO DAYS IN A ROW. I’m guessing the fact that I passed on seeing Frank Turner TWO DAYS IN A ROW will give you some indication of quite how poorly sick I’ve been feeling. Missing Frank is a bit of a disaster, because, you know, it’s Frank. In the UK. Being AWESOME. And I wasn’t there.

That said, I’ve been doing a bit of looking on the bright side. Here’s the looking on the bright side list:

At least I wasn’t taken ill at a gig because that would have been REALLY embarrassing.
It’s not as if Frank Turner is never going to play in the UK again
It’s not as if my besties are going anywhere
I got to stay in and watch Dr Who and Endeavour on the telly box
I had time to make a super duper chicken and tarragon casserole
I got the rotten bout of poorly sickness out of the way before I next see Mr X

I must admit, it was really hard to put the ‘looking on the bright side list’ together, what with having a temperature of a million and three and the general Frank related disappointment and all. The point, I guess, is that I did look on the bright side. I didn’t come over all defeated and devastated in the face of a little bit of a little bit of a disaster. And that, ladies and gentlemen, is very definitely progress.

Meanwhile in other news I’m still reeling about the idiot cyclist who nearly mowed me down dead whilst cycling the WRONG WAY up a one way street and then, rather charmingly, invited me to ‘kiss his arse’. S’alright though – I responded with an impressive array of swear words delivered with the conviction that only a Glaswegian can achieve and then I felt every so slightly better. Nothing else to report today save that I heart Frank Turner….

Loadsa love,

WeeGee xoxoxoxo

An awesome little weekend

Okay, so before you say it, I know I should be asleep. I tried to be asleep but it wasn’t quite happening so I decided to get up and do something instead of lying in bed thinking ‘I wish I was asleep’. The thing about lying in bed wishing you were asleep is that there is no surer way of keeping yourself awake. That, by the way, is one of those important lessons I’ve learned along the way.

Apart from being awake when I should probably be asleep I don’t have a single cause for complaint. Yep. You heard me right: I don’t have a SINGLE cause for complaint. How brilliant is that? I’ve got myself over one of my little wobbles without jumping off any tall things, or accidentally on purpose starving myself, or hurting myself, or hiding in my little hidey hole. I did all of the right things AND IT WAS ALRIGHT IN THE END. It shouldn’t be surprising – if you do the right things for long enough eventually everything will be right. One of these days I’m going to remember not to forget that one……

Do you know what I did this weekend? I went and had myself an AWESOME little weekend filled with the company of the AWESOME people I care about, like Mr Friendly, and Mrs Sparkle, and Mr X. I even managed to fit in a spot of WeeGee pottering along quite nicely all by herself. Which brings me onto the next thing that I forget to remember: WeeGee needs to balance the time she spends alone and the time she spends with the people she cares about because if the balance tips too far in either direction WeeGee goes a bit mental. Too much time alone and I’m prone to hiding. Which is rubbish. Too much time with other people and I get overwhelmed and start soaking them up and forgetting to be me. Which is also rubbish.

I suppose I should do a bit of a Mr X update because I know how you love a bit of gossip. Well…. I’m pleased to report that Mr X and I are coming along quite nicely thank you very much. The time we spend together is always time well spent – happy and content and above all else, easy. It really isn’t easy for me to feel that being with someone is easy because I’m usually too busy being confused, or frightened, or suspicious for easy to get a look in. As daft as it sounds, I’m really enjoying easy.

The nicest thing of all about Mr X, is that I’m not all carried away with it. Right now, I’m lucky enough to be dating a really, really lovely guy* and I’m enjoying getting to know him and letting him get to know me. We’re having a good time and we’re smiling, and we’re laughing and we’re skirting around the big stuff in a natural and organic way**. We’re telling each other the truth and slowly coming to trust one another without being foolish. In a nutshell? So far so good. It isn’t any more complicated than that, because it doesn’t have to be. And that’s all I’ve got to say about that.

Meanwhile in other news I visited Hampton Court Maze today which was excellent fun, but also planted the seed of a thought about negotiating your way through the maze that is being alive. I might come back to that one in another post, because I probably need to have one of my little thinks before I can make any sense out of it……

Nothing else to report today save that I wondered if you’d like to hear a pretty little song. It’s kinda sad, but also kinda not and I happen to be a little bit in love with it:

Loadsa love from WeeGee McImightsleepnow xoxoxox

*who also happens to be really rather handsome. Just saying.
**we’ve even broached the Bristol scale. Which will either mean something to you, or it won’t. No need to google it. Seriously…..

In which WeeGee tries to be coherent (and might fail)

Good evening everybody.

I thought it was high time I did a proper update because my last few posts have been a bit existential, and topsy turvey, and – let’s face it – nonsensical. What can I say? I got a little lost in it all for a while there…..

It’s easy to get lost isn’t it? It occurs that ‘getting lost’ has nothing to do with being mental – it’s just one of those things that happens every once in a while because we’re all as mixed up as each other. My trouble, I guess, is that when I get a bit ‘mixed up’ I see it all unfolding before me, and coming down the tracks, and getting bigger and heavier all the time. And then it ends up with me jumping off a tall thing because that’s the way it always used to be. The lesson I have to learn is that it doesn’t have to be that way because I’m over that stuff now.

Sometimes all you need is a bit of perspective: a reminder of who you are now instead of the constant marker of who you used to be. Who you used to be, I think, is the only person who’ll stop you being who you’re going to be so its important that you don’t dwell on that person too much. You have to move on – always forwards, always without the past and the old you mucking it all up.

It’s ages since I mentioned any of the significant others in my life because my head’s been full of me, and how lost I get, and how difficult it can be. Today I’m going to mention Mr Friendly who never loses patience, who always points me in the right direction, and who is possibly more of a politics geek than I am. I’m glad he’s in my life. I should also mention Mr Wise AKA WeeGee’s dad who has got her this far and still sees the funny side. I’m glad he’s in my life too. As for Mrs Sparkle – where on planet mental would I be without her? Everybody needs a Mrs Sparkle in their life, with her boxes of wine and cups of tea and HUGE hugs, and the ability never to say I told you so even when she clearly did ‘told you so’. When you’ve got people like that in your life it doesn’t ever have to be difficult. I’m glad for all the people I have in my life.

I guess there’s also Mr X who is a sorta significant other. I think I maybe got a bit lost in that which isn’t to say he isn’t significant – it’s just that I’ve already got people who point me in the right direction, and who see the funny side, and who administer cups of tea. I can’t put the whole of the old WeeGee on someone new, but I can let them know ME. Me now as I really and not as what I used to be. Maybe he’ll like it, maybe he won’t but I don’t mind so long as I know the real me is the me who’s shining through. I want him to know me, now and as I am. And that’s who I’m going to be.

Did this make any more sense than my recent posts? In my head it does and maybe that’s all I can hope for.

In brief? It’s going to be okay, one way or another, so long as WeeGee is okay. And she will be.

Cheery-bye xoxoxo

The wise wisdom of WeeGee

Today I have mostly been having quite a big little think. Quite a big little think is a new one on me but it might be okay because it ended with a spot of wise WeeGee wisdom and you can’t really say fairer than that now can you?

It was a good day to have a big little think because it was Mrs Mountain day and given last week’s non starter of a session I was totally up for it today. All of the old questions seemed to have evaporated by the time I got to New Malden today and I only wanted to talk about two things – two very important questions:

Question one: Who is WeeGee?

Question two: What does WeeGee want?

Big questions but I suppose that’s why I needed a big little think……

So. Who is WeeGee? Do you know what? She is exactly what she is. She’ll never be any more, and will certainly never be any less. Mostly she’ll bounce around being all AWESOME and caring about stuff and people and stuff but every so often it’ll all get a bit much for her so she’ll have to hide. Which is fine. She’ll bore on about books and politics and how windows 8 is a bit shit but she’ll listen if you want to bore on about other stuff too. If you’re good, or kind, or wise, or funny WeeGee is going to like you. ALOT. Whether you like it or not. She’ll always be a bit sad no matter how much happy stuff happens because WeeGee refuses to pretend that the sad stuff that happened doesn’t matter – you have to carry it with you. Which isn’t to say that WeeGee isn’t happy by the way.

And then there’s what WeeGee wants which isn’t easy at all. On the one hand WeeGee wants to make it all right even though its always going to be wrong. But then again maybe WeeGee is going to put it right anyway, without meaning to, without it looking like she did it to anyone but her.

Or maybe there’s what WeeGee REALLY wants. And it’s nothing more complicated than the shore. Something steady, and safe, and real. WeeGee might never find it – maybe there’s no such thing as peace. But at least she figured out what she’s looking for, and it doesn’t come any wiser than that.

And that there is the wise wisdom of WeeGee. Goodnight my lovelies xoxoxoxo

Ps. Enjoy this song. It makes my heart sing:

Keeping on keeping on

Today I have mostly been having a bit of a word with myself because broken brain was threatening to take charge and I decided that I wasn’t having any of that because when broken brain takes charge things start to get boring and WeeGee so hates it when things start to get boring.

Every once in a while I have to remind myself not to forget that I am a perfectly capable and determined individual* who quite likes being out there in the world doing my little thing. Sure – I’m a bit hypersensitive at times, and I’m prone to wobbling, and sinking, and crying uncontrollably, and saying really bad swear words just because I can. But if you look at it from another angle all that really says is that I care about stuff, and that I’m not afraid to let myself feel whichever feeling comes along, and that I know myself better than most. And that my ‘swearing like a navvy’ skills are particularly well developed.

It’s time for WeeGee to spring into action, take care of herself, and keep on keeping on like she always does. Cue a particularly amusing ‘I’m not fat so I can eat whatever I want to’ trip to the supermarket** a flat refusal to cancel any further plans on account of my alien brain, a great deal of WeeGee style hilarity in the office*** and a whole load of WeeGee AWESOMENESS thank you very much. In more sensible developments I made a appointment to see Mr Clever**** and had a bit of a chat with Mrs Worry about managing my workload between now and the wobble being completely over*****

Go me.

Today I have been reminded that honesty is always the best policy and that it’s okay to say ‘help’ if you need a little help, because its always out there if you ask. I’ve also remembered I’m a very lucky girl because the people in my life are good and kind people who are always there to hang onto my ankles so I don’t fall into the pit.

As for what all this wobbling has been about? The same thing it’s always about – control, or lack of control over the way I feel. The thing is, I either accept that I have people and opportunities in my life and hand over a bit of control, or I hide in my bed for the rest of my life pretending that there’s no such thing as other people or opportunities. Not much of a choice really, is it?

What’s that thing about life being about the journey and not the destination?

Meanwhile in other news I am very close to bouncing off the walls with excitement because I’m going to see the very marvellous Frank Turner TWO DAYS RUNNING. Hurrah! Nothing else to report today save that I’m going to end with a happy little song today because I decided it would make a nice little change.

Loads and loadsa love and hugs and penguins <(")******

WeeGee McKeepingKeepingOn xoxoxoxo

PS Pen: the asterisks are especially for you xoxoxox

*note the deliberate omission of the word human
**Who all wants some carbohydrates?
***It involved 'sticky bogies' and an acorn that looked like a poo. One of these days I'll grow up, but not yet.
****better safe than sorry I guess
****I refuse to get in a mess at work because that's just the beginning of the end.
******thanks to the lovely Rhio for the AWESOME penguin xoxoxox

Love, loyalty and laughter

I really want to write a coherent and sensible post tonight but before I get to that there are one or two things I need to get off my chest:

Fucksticks (best swear word ever). Shitbags (close second). Arsehole (a good description of almost every man I ever met). Buggeration (but not literally*). Bastard (because why the hell not). Fuck, fuck, FUCKITY fuck (just to round it all off)

And breathe……

Today I have mostly been working very hard to make sure that the mentals don’t bite because I’m tired of all the mental stuff and because when it comes to dealing with the flat and empties nobody knows the drill better than I do. Besides, what’s the point of learning all the lessons I’ve been learning if I’m not prepared to listen to them when it really matters?

I’m in a funny place right now, but sadly it isn’t a funny haha kinda place. It’s funny in that I can see it for what it is, and know it, and understand it but still feel too frightened to do the thing I’m supposed to do to make it better because the thing I’m supposed to do to make it better wont feel better in the short term. Pah! And I said this would be sensible and coherent!

Oh dear oh dear. Can I have a hug?

I had plans tonight but I cancelled them because I wanted to be alone which is to say I wanted to hide from the world because I don’t like the world today and therefore want no part in it. That’s not a good sign. I know that. But hey – I’ve got what I got…. And at least I made it out of bed, and managed three square meals and have no intention of jumping out the window. That’s what WeeGee does when she doesn’t want the mentals to bite.

I’ve got plans tomorrow too, and the day after and the day after – which would feel like a life if only I wanted to have one. More to the point it would feel like a life if only I could trust myself to have it. Maybe I’ll cancel my plans and maybe I won’t. I still don’t know how best to keep myself safe. Smile and pretend, or cry and accept? Answers on the back of a postcard.

I had a long chat with Mr Wise earlier. It’s ages since I had a long chat with Mr Wise because it’s ages since I needed him. Mr Wise reminded me that I have to remember who I am and stick to it – if people don’t want my loyalty, or my love, or my laughter then they don’t want me and I can’t want people who don’t want me because that’s a recipe for disaster if ever there was one.

So I guess I have to hope for one of two things. Either my love and laughter and loyalty will win through and there’ll be a happy ending amidst the confusion, or there won’t be but It’ll still be okay in the end anyway. I’ve been okay before right?

All of this to say that I’m a bit uncertain and bleak but somehow hopeful because I can do uncertainty and bleak and come out the other side being all AWESOME and stuff. Wish me luck.

By way of goodbye why don’t you have a lovely little song – from my heart to yours:

Love you lots like jelly tots xoxoxoxoxo

The wide awake club

I suppose I should start by filling you in on the background. The background is this: it is presently four thirty in the morning and I’ve been awake since a little after one. In the time that has intervened I have mostly been crying. You’ve probably figured out that I’m somewhat prone to crying by now, but three and a half hours worth of crying is quite something even by the WeeGee’s standards. Anyway, I’m a little bored of the non stop crying now, not least because it has given me a rather spectacular headache.

I started crying when I realised that I was so lost in all the thoughts and feelings swimming around in my head that I couldn’t tell which were the thoughts and which were the feelings anymore. I’m all mixed up and it occurs that the only person who ever managed to make my jumbly messes go away is so far away right now that it might as well be a different planet. But that’s a whole ‘nother story……

Anyway. The point is this: nobody is going to pick me up, hold me tight, and stay with me until the world goes away which means that it’s time for WeeGee to start fighting again even though WeeGee doesn’t feel much like fighting because she’d rather just cry in spite of her spectacular headache.

Every so often I think I’ve made it to the shore – it’s safe and it’s solid and I like it there but just as I get used to the ground beneath my feet I’m cut adrift to sail the stormy seas once more.

A while ago I wrote that I felt like my heart had turned to stone. I wish I could feel like that now because my heart is big and heavy again and I think it might be too much for me to bear. I’m alone and frightened because I did what I always do – I hoped. I hoped that I was better, that I’d finally turned the lights back on, that I wouldn’t have to sit in the dark ever again.

I try to tell myself that hope is important, but I don’t really believe it because I’ve done a lot of hoping in my life and it never got me anywhere but here – sailing alone on dark and stormy seas with thoughts that might be feelings and feelings that might be thoughts jumbling around in my broken brain. And the words ‘but I love you’ ringing in my ears.

Love WeeGee McWideAwake xoxoxox