That joke isn’t funny anymore

I knew that today was going to be complete and utter crapola when I discovered a small hole in my tube of betnovate* – if ever there was a sign from above, that there is it.

To be honest, I’ve been waiting for today to come around for a while now because I’ve been a bit preoccupied and overwhelmed and worried and when I get a bit preoccupied and overwhelmed and worried I know that its only a matter of time before a mild case of the flat and empties strikes. Looking on the bright side, I’ve at least got to a point where the flat and empties no longer strike without prior notice…..

There’s nothing the matter with me that a little think won’t sort out – I know that, but I’m tired of my little thinks and facing up to things and talking about stuff. The only thing I really want to do today is pretend that the world isn’t happening around me, mainly because I don’t feel much like I’m part of the world and why would I want to acknowledge some place that I don’t belong in anyway?

Oh {insert a swear word of your choosing here}

It was Mrs Mountain day today and, given my mood, I’m not entirely sure that was a good thing because I feel like I might have wasted Mrs Mountain’s time as well as my own and I do so hate wasting time especially when I’m paying for the privilege of experiencing the time in question. On which note, it occurs that I don’t suppose Mrs Mountain much minds that I wasted her time, which makes me feel a little better about the whole thing.

There was an awful lot of stuff I needed to discuss with Mrs Mountain today – in fact my list for today was probably one of the longest lists I’ve ever had but when I finally got to New Malden** none of it mattered anymore because I’d slipped into ‘nothing matters so what’s the point?’ mode which isn’t an ideal mode to be in on Mrs Mountain day.

Pfft.

Here is a list of the important questions that I didn’t but should have discussed with Mrs Mountain today:

Why does someone wanting to ‘look after’ WeeGee scare the living daylights out of her when actually it’s a lovely thing to want to do and WeeGee ought to feel blessed that somebody might want to do it for her?

Why do so many people think that WeeGee falls in love ‘too easily’ when actually it’s the hardest thing in the world for her to do?

Why does WeeGee feel like there’s a blackness in her heart even when she is, to all intents and purposes, happy?

What do people really see when they see WeeGee?

Why can’t WeeGee shake off the feeling that she is neither a real or proper person even though her logical brain knows that she is obviously real and mostly proper***

Confusing stuff isn’t it? And that isn’t even the full list…… I sooooo need a lift to planet mental.

Double pfft.

Anyway. I’m not sure there’s a point to today’s post which is just fine and dandy because there isn’t much of a point to anything and why should my blog be any different anyway. I’ll doubtless be back tomorrow, bouncing off the walls and being all AWESOME and stuff but for today I’m quiet, and grey, and full of the flat and empties but not like I used to be because I just want to make dinner and watch rubbish telly and wait for tomorrow instead of starving myself, hiding and then jumping off a tall thing so that tomorrow never comes.

I guess that goes down as progress…..

I leave you today with a little song that speaks to me today:

Love in spite of a hint of the doomy gloomies from WeeGee xoxoxox

*only fellow betnovate users will understand this one – it’s hard enough to get betnovate out of the tube without factoring in a hole in the bloomin’ tube. ROAR
**after considerable transport chaos. ROAR
***I suppose how ‘proper’ I am depends on your take on morals and stuff…..

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17 comments

  1. WeeGee, my friend, I am going to say something quite obvious. You are terribly depressed. You may be bipolar, considering your description of a possible change tomorrow. Please, please make an appointment with a psychiatrist who, by definition, is an M.D., and who can talk with you about your symptoms and the medications you take, if any, for depression. Remember, there are umpteen antidepressants, and they are divided into groups that only work in a certain way. You may need more or less of anything you’re already taken, or you may need a totally different medication. The right antidepressant dose WILL help you feel better. Consider, as well, counseling by a psychologist, not a counselor. Psychologists are educated and trained in much more detail about the issues of depression. Best of luck!

  2. Ha, I have a case of the flat and empties too…..I also wrote some random rant posts in the last few days that I am not sure have any point. Anyway, just wanted to send some happy vibes your way. Hope you have a better day tomorrow 🙂

  3. Aw, WeeGee. I know I don’t see you physically, but when I “see” you, I see a strong woman who is so very good at wading through those difficult times and even having enough left over to offer support to others who are struggling. And that is such a selfless beautiful thing.

    I have no answers for the other questions (they hit close to home for me too, though) but I can only guess that you will find them. Because you are WeeGee and one of the best, strongest, most determined people I know. You are a complete person, so it’s okay to have low times. They come with the territory of having that brain that’s mostly functioning.

    You should look at some puppy pictures to raise your spirits. They seem to help me most of the time 😉

  4. God, those questions, I could have written them they infect my brain often.
    I fall in love too easy, but I push them away just as fast too.
    Anyway, loves weegee.
    Hugs xxx

    1. My favourite thing about blogging is knowing that people get it – I try to explain those questions to a normal person and they look at me like I’ve got horns – you send love! Love back hon xoxoxo

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