The wide awake club

I suppose I should start by filling you in on the background. The background is this: it is presently four thirty in the morning and I’ve been awake since a little after one. In the time that has intervened I have mostly been crying. You’ve probably figured out that I’m somewhat prone to crying by now, but three and a half hours worth of crying is quite something even by the WeeGee’s standards. Anyway, I’m a little bored of the non stop crying now, not least because it has given me a rather spectacular headache.

I started crying when I realised that I was so lost in all the thoughts and feelings swimming around in my head that I couldn’t tell which were the thoughts and which were the feelings anymore. I’m all mixed up and it occurs that the only person who ever managed to make my jumbly messes go away is so far away right now that it might as well be a different planet. But that’s a whole ‘nother story……

Anyway. The point is this: nobody is going to pick me up, hold me tight, and stay with me until the world goes away which means that it’s time for WeeGee to start fighting again even though WeeGee doesn’t feel much like fighting because she’d rather just cry in spite of her spectacular headache.

Every so often I think I’ve made it to the shore – it’s safe and it’s solid and I like it there but just as I get used to the ground beneath my feet I’m cut adrift to sail the stormy seas once more.

A while ago I wrote that I felt like my heart had turned to stone. I wish I could feel like that now because my heart is big and heavy again and I think it might be too much for me to bear. I’m alone and frightened because I did what I always do – I hoped. I hoped that I was better, that I’d finally turned the lights back on, that I wouldn’t have to sit in the dark ever again.

I try to tell myself that hope is important, but I don’t really believe it because I’ve done a lot of hoping in my life and it never got me anywhere but here – sailing alone on dark and stormy seas with thoughts that might be feelings and feelings that might be thoughts jumbling around in my broken brain. And the words ‘but I love you’ ringing in my ears.

Love WeeGee McWideAwake xoxoxox

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14 comments

  1. Nothing constructive to say because I’m still in a fucking shitbags kind of mentality and everything is rubbish, but I’m aware of how unhelpful that mentality can be. But love and big fuck off hugs xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxox

  2. Sorry you’re in so much pain. When I cry for hours it always gives me a migraine. 😦 Hope you feel better soon, you are strong and lovely WeeGee and there is always hope. You are not alone ❤ xxx

  3. I think the only way to stay on solid ground is to be happy with Wee Gee no matter what. Like yourself whether there is anyone else there at all. If we can do that, many positive things happen. One of which is that we end up being more of a shining star in many peoples lives, less chance of being alone. (((hugs))) sweetheart xx

  4. I dont know what to say, other than I know exactly what you’re going through right now in the crying in spite of headache, and I wish this hug I’m going to drop in this comment, was a real one.
    ❤ hugs ❤ xx

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