I really want to write a coherent and sensible post tonight but before I get to that there are one or two things I need to get off my chest:
Fucksticks (best swear word ever). Shitbags (close second). Arsehole (a good description of almost every man I ever met). Buggeration (but not literally*). Bastard (because why the hell not). Fuck, fuck, FUCKITY fuck (just to round it all off)
Today I have mostly been working very hard to make sure that the mentals don’t bite because I’m tired of all the mental stuff and because when it comes to dealing with the flat and empties nobody knows the drill better than I do. Besides, what’s the point of learning all the lessons I’ve been learning if I’m not prepared to listen to them when it really matters?
I’m in a funny place right now, but sadly it isn’t a funny haha kinda place. It’s funny in that I can see it for what it is, and know it, and understand it but still feel too frightened to do the thing I’m supposed to do to make it better because the thing I’m supposed to do to make it better wont feel better in the short term. Pah! And I said this would be sensible and coherent!
Oh dear oh dear. Can I have a hug?
I had plans tonight but I cancelled them because I wanted to be alone which is to say I wanted to hide from the world because I don’t like the world today and therefore want no part in it. That’s not a good sign. I know that. But hey – I’ve got what I got…. And at least I made it out of bed, and managed three square meals and have no intention of jumping out the window. That’s what WeeGee does when she doesn’t want the mentals to bite.
I’ve got plans tomorrow too, and the day after and the day after – which would feel like a life if only I wanted to have one. More to the point it would feel like a life if only I could trust myself to have it. Maybe I’ll cancel my plans and maybe I won’t. I still don’t know how best to keep myself safe. Smile and pretend, or cry and accept? Answers on the back of a postcard.
I had a long chat with Mr Wise earlier. It’s ages since I had a long chat with Mr Wise because it’s ages since I needed him. Mr Wise reminded me that I have to remember who I am and stick to it – if people don’t want my loyalty, or my love, or my laughter then they don’t want me and I can’t want people who don’t want me because that’s a recipe for disaster if ever there was one.
So I guess I have to hope for one of two things. Either my love and laughter and loyalty will win through and there’ll be a happy ending amidst the confusion, or there won’t be but It’ll still be okay in the end anyway. I’ve been okay before right?
All of this to say that I’m a bit uncertain and bleak but somehow hopeful because I can do uncertainty and bleak and come out the other side being all AWESOME and stuff. Wish me luck.
By way of goodbye why don’t you have a lovely little song – from my heart to yours:
Love you lots like jelly tots xoxoxoxoxo