Today I have mostly been feeling a little bit grey, ever so slightly tearful, and a tad over suspicious. As in all at the same time. That’s a lot of different ways to be feeling all at the same time…….
I’m still not feeling very well* but I was bored out of my block with being at home by lunchtime so I decided to go into work anyway on account of the fact that my temperature had come down to a reasonable level and because all I was doing at home was sitting and thinking which is pretty much what I do at work anyway. It didn’t end well because as soon as I found myself in the company of other people I discovered I really couldn’t be bothered with the company of other people** and also because I wasn’t my usual organised and efficient self which very nearly resulted in a disastrous ‘reply all’ error on my part.
Anyway – I’m home now with a very tired body and a wide awake brain. Wide awake brain is over focusing on a little thought and if I’m perfectly honest it’s threatening to drive me round the bend. The thing is I know that it’s a completely STUPID and ridiculously suspicious thought, but you know how it is with STUPID and ridiculously suspicious thoughts – they have a habit of hanging around driving you round the bend. For now, I’ve decided to park my little thought until I’ve had a chance to speak to someone sensible about it*** because I’m in danger of a) asking a stupid and suspicious question b) looking like a bit of an arsehole as a result and possibly c) not liking the answer because it turns out that somebody I think is nice is actually a bit of an arsehole**** And that’s why I’m feeling a little suspicious today. As for the feeling grey and tearful – I’m putting that down to being tired and poorly.
It’s not all bad in WeeGee land though. For a start I haven’t got a temperature of a million and three anymore. Which is nice. I’ve also got Frank Turner’s new album to keep me company. That’s nice as well. I think also, I might have managed to accidentally learn an important lesson into the bargain. Maybe that’s the nicest thing of all.
I’m conscious that I don’t seem to be mentioning Mr X on my blog very often, which is kinda strange given he’s a big part of my life at the moment. It’s interesting, because as far as Mr X is concerned I’m not all AWESOME, even though everything is perfectly awesome. I think the point is that I seem to have found a way to feel stuff without being consumed by it which is to say I’ve learned how to grow feelings. Until now a feeling either was or it wasn’t, and if it was it was everything. Now – well now I can feel the way I feel, without getting all carried away and lost and I can wait to see what happens. I think I might be nurturing it and tending it whilst also being aware of the way that feelings sometimes turn out in a different way than you expected them to. It feels like a happy and healthy way to be feeling – about myself, about another person, and about a relationship.
Funny sort of a post tonight, but one that makes a lot of sense and marks a lot of progress and signals some hope for the future.
If I wasn’t so poorly sick and ever so slightly suspicious I’d put today down as a good day!
Love you lots and lots and lots, WeeGee xoxoxox
*that’s another feeling
**idiots were lucky not to have been poked in the eye
***i know you guys are sensible but I think it needs to be a real world chat
****i love that my iPad autocorrects arsehole as arseholebastards.