Month: January 2014

Days like these

I’m doing my best to keep on top of things at the moment, I really am, but the things I’m trying to keep on top of seem to be getting on top of me instead and it’s all starting to feel a teeny tiny bit heavy for my liking. In my heart I guess I knew that there were always going to be days like these because the things that used to be there, well they’re still there and they like nothing better that swimming around in my brain to see if they can’t fuck things up for me again. Yeah – I’m sorry about the swearing but fuck, fuck and fuckity fuck, that’s just the way it had to be….

I’ll tell you what though – let’s not dwell on it any longer, eh? There’s a heap of other stuff I can be writing about and the fuck, fuck, fuckity fuck stuff is boring anyway, right? Here’s a little song called days like these to get us moving along. I chose this one because a) it’s awesome, b) it matches the title of my post and c) why the fuck not? By the way, after this song, I PROMISE not to swear again:

There we go – it’s all feeling a bit better already isn’t it? Who am I trying to kid?

If I set all the fuckity you know what stuff aside I’m left with this: Whatever happens to the WeeGee, and wherever the WeeGee gets to the WeeGee will be a THOUGHTFUL little creature. I’ve been thinking about my thoughts a lot recently which is actually quite a difficult thing to achieve because as soon as you start thinking about what you’re thinking about you clean forget what you’re thinking about and start thinking about something different instead. And if reading that made your brain hurt you should try thinking about what you’re thinking about for a little while and see if you can manage for your brain not to EXPLODE while you’re doing it.

Anyway. When it comes to WeeGee’s thoughts, I think I’ve identified two different kinds: spare brain thoughts and busy brain thoughts. They sound kinda like they’re going to be the opposite don’t they? The thing is, they actually seem to be boiling down to exactly the same thing and that thing is this:

There is simply not enough time in WeeGee land for WeeGee to think all the things she needs to think OR to do all the things she thinks she wants to. Or put another way WeeGee is still very easily OVERWHELMED by the WHOLE BLOODY* WORLD and everything in it and if the WHOLE BLOODY WORLD could just stop for long enough for WeeGee to put her thoughts in order that would be just FINE AND BLOODY DANDY thank you very much.

The headline is that I’m fine, and I’m safe, and I promise I’m not going to jump out any windows but I’m also still searching in vain for the off switch. Or maybe the pause switch, I guess that’s it really.

It’s all very well to be MINDFUL and to SELF SOOTHE and to BE KIND TO THE SELF. I can do all of that and I can do it all pretty damn good. But while I’m doing it all my brain is still in there going ‘oi, oi, I’M STILL FUCKING** HERE and if you’re not going to listen to me and THINK I’m going to make you sick so you have to stop and think even though migraines and stomach cramps and sleeplessness are the LAST THING ON EARTH you need right now’.

Still. Tomorrow is a new day, and my body is feeling well again, and it’s only a matter of time before my brain gets the message. And I always knew in my heart that there were going to be days like these. Upwards and onwards for WeeGee. She’s got elephants to eat…..

No meanwhile in other news today because that is all I’ve got. Nothing else to report save that I love you all lots. Like like lots and lots of Jelly Tots.

Jelly tots

WeeGee xoxo

*I don’t consider that a swear word

**Okay you got me on that one. I couldn’t help it.

A very particular kind of post

This is a very particular kind of post. It’s an ‘it’s pretty late, and I’ve been faffing around all evening, and if I don’t get this post out now I don’t know if I’ll ever find the time’ kind of a post….. Like I said, a very particular kind of post.

I have to start with an explanation, or perhaps it would be more accurate to say, I have to start with a clarification. I need to make it clear that when I mentioned the unpleasant stuff that’s been going on on WordPress in my last post I WAS NOT passing any judgements, or taking any sides, or professing that I knew better than anyone else. All I was really trying to say was that I’d been bothered by the whole thing – by what happened, by how it unfolded, and the by way it ended up.

All any of us can ever do is what we think is right and, for the most part, it’s perfectly okay for us to differ. I did receive one comment on the subject which I chose not to approve – but that choice wasn’t about censorship, or not allowing other views to come to the fore. I just didn’t feel that it was necessary to have the discussion, and I certainly didn’t feel my blog was the right place to do it.

And that REALLY is all I’ve got to say about the matter. This is me drawing my own little line under it:

_____________

Anyway – did you all notice that my blog has A BRAND NEW THEME? I kinda like it and I hope that you do too…..

Thoughts? Comments? Indifference?

It was always going to be a short one what with it being late, and it being a very particular kind of post and all. The headline is that WeeGee is a chipper WeeGee again and I’ve got some VERY EXCITING blogging news to share with you VERY SOON. It’s properly exciting. You’re going to love it. This, by the way, is me TRYING TO HYPE SOMETHING UP so you all get as excited as me……. Are you excited yet?!

Meanwhile in other news since last I mentioned minor TV obsessions I’ve done five seasons of 24 and fallen a little bit in love with Jack Bauer. Nothing else to report save that this is the end of the very particular kind of post.

Oh. I almost forgot to mention. It’s penguin awareness day today. So you know, be aware and stuff:

images

Love you lots and lots like jelly tots and tots,

WeeGee

The infinite sadness of all things

I’m not entirely sure where the title of this post came from. In my head it was the title of a book, or a song, or maybe even a line from a book of a song. In the end, not even my expert googling skills could find its origin so it looks like my brain just went and made it up. Which isn’t entirely surprising when you come to think of it.

Since last I wrote I have mostly been having a mild case of the doomy gloomies. Nothing serious, you understand – just that heavy, hopeless, tiresome kind of feeling that pops along every so often to mess with your alien brain. In all fairness the doomy gloomies didn’t exactly come from nowhere. In fact, there were at least three separate contributory factors:

Contributory factor number one: HORMONES – there was a time when I thought I’d never be well enough to have the right amount of the right hormones swimming about at the right time. Now I am well enough I have only one thing to say. Dear hormones, Kindly FUCK RIGHT OFF. Lots of love, WeeGee xox
Contributory factor number two: MIGRAINES – I’ve suffered from chronic migraines for the largest part of my adult life and they are officially rubbish, so rubbish in fact that I have only one thing to say. Dear migraines, Kindly FUCK RIGHT OFF. Lots of love, WeeGee xox
Contributory factor number three: JANUARY – I totally, absolutely, and wholeheartedly hate January so much that I have only one thing to say. Dear January…… You get the picture, right?

The good news is that the doomy gloomies seem to be over and done with now and, for the most part, I’m back to my jolly little self. To be fair, it wasn’t all bad because I had the opportunity to sit with myself and reflect on where I’ve been and where I am and where I’m going to and it was a really good exercise in PERSPECTIVE and important stuff like that. It took me an awful long time to get to the point where it became safe to do nothing other than sit with myself so in the main I’m looking at it as a reason to be cheerful. It’s time to move on, and put one foot in front of the other, and keep on keeping on. That’s what I do, because that’s what I’m good at doing.

Now seems as good a time as any for a couple of reminders. First up there’s Blog for Mental Health 2014. I hope you can find a spare five minutes to find out more and, if you are so inclined take part. I’ve been reading ALL of the pledges, slowly but surely and they’re all pretty cool – sad, happy, brave, funny, inspirational and basically EVERY DIFFERENT KIND OF AWESOME. It’s one of those things that it really is worth taking part in. I also wanted to send out a gentle reminder that all kinds of exciting things take place on How do you eat an elephant’s Facebook page. At the moment I’m taking part in 100 Happy Days and posting my pictures up there. That there is another thing that’s worth getting involved with, by the way. So far I’m really enjoying it – its helping to keep me grounded, and focused on the here and now, and generally engaged with the world round about me….

Before I go I wanted to pass the briefest of comments on the recent ‘stir’ here in the land of blog. I won’t go into the details, because the details aren’t mine to share but the whole thing bothered and upset me in an awful lot of different ways. As far as I can see something pretty unpleasant happened and that was followed by vigilantism, and an ‘outing’ and a judge judy and executioner* kind of thing. Which in my book is pretty unpleasant too. I’m the first to admit that I’m one of those bleeding heart liberals but you know, for every story there is another side and when those sides can’t be reconciled we have due process and the rule of law and justice. The trouble with justice is that we all get it. Even the really nasty people……..

Ho hum….

Meanwhile in other news I’m sitting with Mr Awesome Number Five who is watching soccer ball. And Get This: there’s a player who goes by the name of Noone. What an unfortunate name. Nothing else to report today save that I’m already bored of the soccer ball but it did give me the opportunity to get this post out. Swings and roundabouts and all that.

Love you all like lots and lots of Jelly Tots

WeeGee xoxoxo

*You’ve seen Hot Fuzz, right?

Blog for mental health 2014

When it comes to WordPress we mental folks tend to move in pretty small circles so I’m guessing that most of my readers will already have come across Blog For Mental Health 2014? If not it’s a fantastic project and I’d encourage you all to get involved because, you know, lots of voices are an awful lot louder than one. You can get the lowdown on BFMH 2014 here…..

2014 is the first year I’ve taken part in BFMH. I’ve always been aware of it and I’ve always wanted to be involved but somehow, I never seemed to get round to it. Until now. Here’s my pledge. I’m going to put it in bold because it’s VERY important:

I pledge my commitment to the Blog for Mental Health 2014 Project. I will blog about mental health topics not only for myself, but for others. By displaying this badge, I show my pride, dedication, and acceptance for mental health. I use this to promote mental health education in the struggle to erase stigma.

Blog for mental health

I don’t need to tell you how important mental health is, or how much I believe with all of my heart that we need to embrace it, understand it, talk about it and sometimes, even scream and shout about it* Every single person on the planet has mental health whether it’s good, bad, or a mixture of the two and as far as I’m concerned that makes it very, very important to all of us.

Last year I took a bit of a leap of faith and shared my blog with everyone I know on Facebook. I decided that writing an anonymous blog didn’t square up with some of the things I believed about acceptance and stamping out stigma and so I wrote:

“My name is Gail, but you can call me WeeGee if you prefer. I love my cat, and Frank Turner, and I’m obsessed with Breaking Bad. I like taking pictures of dudes in red trousers and I’m a budding masterchef contestant***. Once upon a time, I starved myself within an inch of my life but I’m better now. Sometimes the darkness creeps in and I get depressed. Sometimes I worry so much that I think I’m going to explode. I take medication to regulate my mood and occasionally I don’t sleep for days at a time. I’m a total geek when it comes to politics and grammar and if I ever grow up I’m going to live in a cottage in Oxfordshire and grow pink roses in the garden. I’m one of those mental people. It’s important that I say it, but it isn’t even nearly the most important thing about me.”

I guess that’s the point I want to make – sometimes my broken brain takes over and I do mad, bonkers, reckless stuff but last year I resolved that wherever my wonky little brain decided it was going to take me that I would never let the symptoms, or the diagnosis, or any of the crazy define me. Because WeeGee has a truck load more than that going for her.

I thought i’d leave you with a song, because it used to be traditional, and this band have long been my go to band when the doom gloomies strike:

Love you all lots, like a billion jelly tots

WeeGee xoxoxo

*Note: if you’re planning on shouting and screaming about being mental you should proceed with caution. The normal people get a bit upset when mental people scream and shout in public……

Not quite a normal post

Since I last posted I have mostly been being back at work. After a VERY long time off…..

I think it’s fair to say that going back to work after the christmas break is tough for most people. For me it was only tough insofar as that I had to do sensible stuff like blow dry my hair, and put make-up on, and wear clothes that weren’t designed to be worn in bed. Apart from practical things like that WeeGee was completely and utterly DELIGHTED to go back to work because WeeGee was starting to miss her routine. And you know how WeeGee loves a spot of routine…….

Anyway – this is my second post of the new year and therefore the second post of Mission Blog 2014. It occurs to me that there are one or two things I need to take care of before I get back to regular blogging…. you know, like points of order, and the back story, and stuff like that.

The points of order section:

How do you eat an elephant?

I’m not going to lie to you. I’ve had a long hard think about the future of my blog. In some ways it didn’t feel fitting to carry on with it anymore and for a while there I thought about starting up again, somewhere new and anonymous. I’d shared my blog pretty widely, real people knew about it, and WeeGee wasn’t really WeeGee anymore. I wondered if I’d lost my hidey hole……

But I’m still here, and so is my blog because I decided that I’ve always viewed this as a journey, even in my very first post. I guess I’m just going to have to keep on going, on this journey, in this space. It wouldn’t make sense if I did it any other way……

How am I going to do this?

I’m not going to be blogging like I used to, you know, like hundreds of words every day. I can’t fit it in anymore because Real Life came along and intervened. The plan, as it stands, (and it might change) is to blog three times a week and to read blogs twice a week. I know it doesn’t sound like much but it’s all I’ve got….

New year, new blog.

Just a little word of warning, in case you’re in the habit of rambling around the various pages on my site….. For the next few weeks I’m going to be updating stuff so things might not be where you thought it would be – I’m hoping you’ll bear with me. If you’re not in the habit of rambling around the various pages on my site you can ignore this bit by the way.

The end of the points of order section.

The back story:

In some ways the back story is a straightforward, uncomplicated, as old as time, girl meets boy type of story. WeeGee met this guy, and fell head over heels, and it changed EVERYTHING. I suppose it sounds quite unremarkable when you put it like that. I mean what’s new? WeeGee meets a special person, and takes them to her heart, like she always does…….

The thing is, it is new, and it is remarkable because it isn’t really just girl meets boy – it’s WeeGee meets somebody she trusts; it’s WeeGee meets someone and thinks ‘he can bring as much to my life as I can bring to his’; it’s WeeGee meets someone and isn’t so preoccupied with the ending that she brings things to an end prematurely. I suppose what really happened was something good AND I’M LETTING IT HAPPEN.

Mr Awesome Thing Number Five has brought all kinds of things to my life and you know what, when I gave him his name I was spot on because he truly is awesome. He’s kind, and sweet, and patient, and he’s got these gorgeous dimples going on, and Gryff has decided he’s going to tolerate him, and he adores me. Which is just as well, because I adore him too.

I can’t really remember a time when I felt so much like myself, and in a large part, I have Mr Awesome Thing number five to thank for that. It’s not that he fixed me, or that he made me me again. It’s more that he helped me find that last little bit of confidence and strength I needed to get to where I needed to be.

I’m well aware that everything is sounding a bit peachy, and I don’t really mean to paint it that way. It took me a long time to find trust, and to make space, and to figure things out. Right now things are good but I know that I’m capable of trusting more deeply, and making more space, and figuring more stuff out. I think I’ve decided that I’m not one for resting on my laurels so as always it’s upwards and onwards for WeeGee…..

So there you have it: the points of order and the back story. I guess that means my next post will be a ‘normal’ post. Whatever on earth normal means anyway…….

Love you all lots like jelly tots xoxox

One million and one reasons to be cheerful…..

Good afternoon my lovely little chickadees. Is it okay to be so familiar? Do you even remember who I am?! It’s only WeeGee popping up to say ‘hello’ and let you know how I’ve been getting on. I hope you’ve all been keeping okay? I haven’t been hanging out on WordPress much these past few months so I’m afraid I’m way behind on all the news and gossip. A quick glance down my reader suggests that a lot has changed, but I’m pleased to see so many familiar faces and can’t wait to spend some time catching up on what’s been going on.

At this point it would be polite* to welcome all my new readers. I can’t believe how many of you have found my blog since I last logged in! Anyway you are all very welcome indeed. I hope you come to enjoy the weird and wonderful world of WeeGee – I’m really looking forward to getting to know you all a little better in the coming months.

I’m sorry my blog has been so quiet of late. There are all kinds of different reasons that things have been so sparse but I guess it would be fair to say that the biggest reason of all has been that things have changed. Of course when I say that things have changed it’s important to point out that things have very much changed for the better. More about that another day, but for now, I think it’s fair to say that I find myself having less time to blog and, to be honest, a little less to say for myself. I suppose also I’m less likely to turn to my blog when I do have things to get off my chest than I used to be. I’ve got other outlets now. That said, I miss blogging, and I miss my blogging buddies and so despite my long standing conviction that I don’t ‘do’ New Year’s resolutions I’ve decided to make myself a solemn little promise that my much neglected blog is going to be full to bursting in 2014!

For the most part broken brain is on best behaviour at the moment and I’m only a teeny tiny bit mental. To be honest I’m not entirely sure that anybody is going to be interested in what happens here in WeeGee land when those two rather novel circumstances collide but I thought I might as well give it a little go. How do you eat an elephant? will always be a blog about mental health but for now I think it’s going to be a blog about how I’m coping now the darkness and my wonky little brain have decided to leave me in peace for a while. In short it’s a blog about what happens when you survive the worst that your brain can throw at you, come out the other side, and discover what being alive is really all about.

It’s a long time since things have been extreme here in WeeGee land. I’ve been neither AWESOME nor contemplating jumping off a tall thing for what feels like an age. Sure, The Dreaded Jitters turn up every once in a while, I have days where I feel as bleak as bleak can be, and I have other days where things are all a bit bouncy and excitable. Things aren’t perfect, I’m still trying really hard to figure some stuff out, and there’s something fairly major on the horizon that really does have the potential for blowing my happy little bubble right out of the water. You know what though? Broken brain isn’t in the kind of place that it’s going to do any real damage and in spite of one or two grotty bits I have at least one million and one reasons to be cheerful. I’m content with that.

I think that’ll probably do for today. My blogging skills are a little rusty so I happen I’m going to ease myself back in to it……

I’ll see you all shortly.

Love you all lots and lots like Jelly Tots,

WeeGee xoxox

*Of course WeeGee is ALWAYS very polite

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