Not ready yet

You can usually get a pretty reliable sense of what’s going on in my head by looking at the music I’m listening to. Right now I’m on Radiohead, The Smiths, Jeff Buckley and Elliot Smith which is really just to say it isn’t exactly jolly o’clock here in WeeGee land. Here’s a song that sums it all up at the moment:

On the face of it, it all started last week but now I come to think of it I can see that this has been sneaking up on me for a long time because you can only turn the other cheek for so long. There’s no good to be found in trying to pretend.

I’ve been trying to pretend that everything is okay but everything is not okay. The worst of it is that I don’t know how to go about making everything okay again. Running away might help, but it isn’t exactly a sensible option….. Maybe things aren’t meant to be okay, not for me anyway.

I can’t tell you too much about what’s going on – it wouldn’t be fair on the people and the things that are involved. All I can really say is that I find myself in a situation, which circumstances aren’t helping. I know that if the circumstances went away the situation would be better which, by the way, seems to be what everyone wants. But nobody seems to want to help me with the circumstances and so we’re stuck with the situation. There is no help and there is no end.

For as long as I can remember I’ve been a ‘problem’ What with one thing or another I’m always the difficult one, the one who does things the long way round, the one who doesn’t quite ‘fit’. I’m tired of being nothing other than a problem. It doesn’t seem to matter where I manage to get to – there’s always something waiting to pull the rug from under my feet. It’s usually my brain. Why isn’t my brain on my side?

I frighten myself when I feel like this mostly because I don’t want to feel like this. But what do you do when there’s a war in your brain, and you’re always the problem, and when there is no help and no end?

How do you eat an elephant? Bite by bite…..

Love you all lots like jelly tots,

WeeGee xoxoxo

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17 comments

  1. I think we all have that same fantasy sometimes. I want to just run away and change my name and disappear forever. And usually it’s over something completely not worth all that work.

  2. Yes, one bite at a time.

    I’ll hug and love you back, though we’re both essentially unknown to each other, we’re likely already known and understood through common struggle.

    Our muddled minds and confused hearts eventually become our own source of clarity and strength. Because they are ours to do with what we will. And if we will, we realize their greatest potential and live our greatest purpose.

    And thank you, for loving out when there’s not enough loving in, what we give is what we receive, and for Jelly Tots, you showed me the generosity of life, it blooms and blooms, even if only learning there’s another candy I’ve never heard of.

    1. “Our muddled minds and confused hearts eventually become our own source of clarity and strength” Thank you, in particular for these words which made a lot of sense to me on a day when sense seemed to have departed the building.

      I’ll take the love and the hugs and send more back. Like you say, there just aren’t enough of them in the world. xoxo

  3. This is so good. a) I can completely relate and am having a similar realization that I seem to be the “problem” in my own life, as well as feeling guilty about becoming a problem in others’ lives too. I want to make the choices that change that… but it’s so much easier said than done. b) We have IDENTICAL taste in morose/reflective music! Love it. Thanks for sharing and take care xxxx

    1. Thank you lovely. A) It’s always nice to know that others ‘get it’ and that you’re not just existing in your own little vacuum of crazy and B) That song ROCKS 🙂

      Take care of yourself too xoxox

  4. Sometimes when i read a blog i t can remind me of the person and situation i was once in,this blog is no exception.I totaly undersdtand the feelings you are expressing in this blog,just wanting things to be “normal” for life to be everything you hoped it would be,when the hurt is so much that your will gets crushed because you cant be what your heart desires.All i can say is that you must keep fighting the fight regardless of how exusting it becomes and how other opinions from others may wiegh you down.There is a light at the end of all this trust me because im standing in it right now,sometimes the ligth is easy to find but i know for myself it was hard to find and i realy realy had to want to find it,so im asking you if you want to grab my hand and come and join me in the ligth.

    1. Hey Smudger 🙂 You reminded me of something I usually tell myself when the chips are down: keep on keeping on. That’s what I’m going to do. Upwards and onwards….. xoxox

    1. Thank you so much lovely – and thanks for checking in on me too. I have a VERY long email to send you. I could do with a few words of MM wisdom xoxo

  5. Sending you support and hugs. I hope whatever it is gets better. I know how you feel about always being the problem. That’s how my family sees me, as the problem child. The truth is they’re the problem not me. xo

    1. Thanks for the support and hugs – two if my favourite things. You make a good point about where the ‘problem’ actually lies. I think I’ll have to have a little think about that xoxo

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