My secret is my silence

Since last we spoke it’s been the usual mixture of highs, lows, and everything in between here in WeeGee land. Some things never change….

I think it would be fair to say that I’ve been trying to write this post for a little while. There have been a couple of unsuccessful attempts and at least of MILLION drafts in my head. It’s that same old thing again: I can make it make sense until I try to tell someone else about it at which point I start sounding like an alien from Planet Mental.

I had one of those odd little moments today. I was on my way home after my Mrs Mountain appointment. The sun was shining, the appointment was positive, and I was still all shiny happy shiny after a lovely little evening with Mr Awesome Thing Number Five. And then I started crying. At first it was just a few stray tears that were well hidden behind my sunglasses but before I knew it I found myself sitting on a wall sobbing. There might even have been the occasional howl. Eventually a kind dude stopped to ask if there was anyone he could call which, it turned out, was the only intervention I needed to help me pull all the disparate parts of myself together again.

I dispatched of kind dude fairly quickly – I mean, he was kind an all but I wasn’t much in the mood for conversation – crossed the road, bought a packet of cigarettes, returned to the ‘wailing wall’ and smoked two of them in quick succession thinking “Well….. that was a bit different wasn’t it?”

That pretty much sums up where I am at the moment: it’s all fine until you scratch at the surface because underneath the surface there’s a whole heap of crazy trying to leak out. Every so often I forget myself and wind up with a massive load of crazy to mop up.

The thing is, I can see what’s happening and I’m working as hard as I know how to stop it. Unravelling is such a weird thing – you can can see it, and see it, and see it, and then suddenly you can’t see it anymore because you’ve gone alien again. That’s EXACTLY where I’m trying not to get to.

It’s difficult – I’m not depressed and I’m not about to harm myself in anyway shape or form. At the same time I know I’m not right, and I know that might equal trouble. I’m detached from everything and especially from my life. There’s so much going on and it’s not that I don’t care, it’s more that I’m just an observer so what does it matter? There are things I need to do but instead of doing them I’m over focusing on the weird and the wonderful – a holiday in Orkney, a half baked idea for a business, what my new haircut might look like, penguins. Anything that isn’t reality.

I’m also a bit lost in that long forgotten idea that I let everyone down, and that everyone leaves in the end. I’m convinced that everyone hates me because, well because how could they do anything else? These are such old ideas and I thought I’d left them behind. I only half believe them but that seems like enough….

Do you know what? I’m completely terrified. This isn’t at all what I was hoping for because I thought I had my brain on side and that it would it would be happily ever after. Then again, perhaps I was being naïve to think that it was as easy as all that.

Anyhoo. I think that’s as far as I can go for now. I hope it sorta makes sense.

I’ll leave you with a song, because it’s traditional and sometimes songs say it better anyway….

Meanwhile in other news I’m on a massive high horse about UKIP at the moment at the moment, because they’re deplorable and stuff. Nothing else to report today save that I love you all like jelly tots. Which is A LOT,

 

WeeGee xoxoxo

 

 

 

 

 

 

Advertisements

14 comments

  1. Maybe everything is bubbling under the surface because it’s ready to come out and be dealt with? Tears are not a bad thing, they actually bring relief after. Sorry you’re struggling, I know how hard it is xo

    1. I completely agree. I think I was trying to keep everything hidden deep inside – the tears were just a way of forcing it to the surface….. Upwards and onwards.

      I hope you’re doing okay lovely?

      Huge WeeGee shaped hugs coming your way xoxoxo

  2. Wow, WeeGee. I got nothin’. I wish I had something terrific or wise to say, but I got nothing. If I know anything about what you described, and I think I do a little, even wise words wouldn’t help much anyway. However, you’re not alone, and I’m sending calm and content vibes in your general direction. Cheers!

    1. I think my favourite part of blogging is knowing that whatever I do, or feel, I’m not alone….

      Those calm and contented vibes seem to have done the trick by the way. The fog is lifting….

      Hugs, WeeGee xoxox

    1. Ellie hugs and love are always very welcome round these parts. I hope you’re okay sweetie? Sending WeeGee shaped hugs by return xoxox

  3. Here’s an odd thought for you – are you perhaps afraid of being happy? Just consider it.

    In the mean time, know that there is a great deal of power to be found in seeing that you’re unraveling. If you can see it, you can stop it, and really that’s the key to the whole mess. Know that we love you, and know in particular that the certain young man loves you, as does Gryff. *hugs*

    1. …. There is very definitely an element of that, I’m sure of it. I think it’s partly that old self-sabbotage button coming back into play. And yes, that’s exactly it I CAN see it so I CAN stop it. I’m clever like that 😛

      Thanks for the love and hugs – I’m sending a whole heap back xoxox

      1. You are nothing if not clever. 😉 It was really hard for me to come to terms with my situation when I realized that I was actually mostly ok and that life was kind of sort of “normal.” Scared the bejezus out of me, to be honest. When I told my doc she actually chuckled and welcomed me to The Club. 😀

  4. WeeGee! I just want to tell you that you are not alone. I am grateful to ‘know’ you and thank you for putting words to this. I had a (mostly) great week last week and then out of nowhere I broke down crying Sunday afternoon. I know that the famous expression about light at the end of the tunnel is true. I also know how far away that light is sometimes. Hang in there.

    1. Thanks so much lovely.

      Sorry to hear about your tears though. As others have said to me, sometimes they are a good thing….

      Sending huge hugs xoxox

How about a little chat?

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s