Since last we spoke it’s been the usual mixture of highs, lows, and everything in between here in WeeGee land. Some things never change….
I think it would be fair to say that I’ve been trying to write this post for a little while. There have been a couple of unsuccessful attempts and at least of MILLION drafts in my head. It’s that same old thing again: I can make it make sense until I try to tell someone else about it at which point I start sounding like an alien from Planet Mental.
I had one of those odd little moments today. I was on my way home after my Mrs Mountain appointment. The sun was shining, the appointment was positive, and I was still all shiny happy shiny after a lovely little evening with Mr Awesome Thing Number Five. And then I started crying. At first it was just a few stray tears that were well hidden behind my sunglasses but before I knew it I found myself sitting on a wall sobbing. There might even have been the occasional howl. Eventually a kind dude stopped to ask if there was anyone he could call which, it turned out, was the only intervention I needed to help me pull all the disparate parts of myself together again.
I dispatched of kind dude fairly quickly – I mean, he was kind an all but I wasn’t much in the mood for conversation – crossed the road, bought a packet of cigarettes, returned to the ‘wailing wall’ and smoked two of them in quick succession thinking “Well….. that was a bit different wasn’t it?”
That pretty much sums up where I am at the moment: it’s all fine until you scratch at the surface because underneath the surface there’s a whole heap of crazy trying to leak out. Every so often I forget myself and wind up with a massive load of crazy to mop up.
The thing is, I can see what’s happening and I’m working as hard as I know how to stop it. Unravelling is such a weird thing – you can can see it, and see it, and see it, and then suddenly you can’t see it anymore because you’ve gone alien again. That’s EXACTLY where I’m trying not to get to.
It’s difficult – I’m not depressed and I’m not about to harm myself in anyway shape or form. At the same time I know I’m not right, and I know that might equal trouble. I’m detached from everything and especially from my life. There’s so much going on and it’s not that I don’t care, it’s more that I’m just an observer so what does it matter? There are things I need to do but instead of doing them I’m over focusing on the weird and the wonderful – a holiday in Orkney, a half baked idea for a business, what my new haircut might look like, penguins. Anything that isn’t reality.
I’m also a bit lost in that long forgotten idea that I let everyone down, and that everyone leaves in the end. I’m convinced that everyone hates me because, well because how could they do anything else? These are such old ideas and I thought I’d left them behind. I only half believe them but that seems like enough….
Do you know what? I’m completely terrified. This isn’t at all what I was hoping for because I thought I had my brain on side and that it would it would be happily ever after. Then again, perhaps I was being naïve to think that it was as easy as all that.
Anyhoo. I think that’s as far as I can go for now. I hope it sorta makes sense.
I’ll leave you with a song, because it’s traditional and sometimes songs say it better anyway….
Meanwhile in other news I’m on a massive high horse about UKIP at the moment at the moment, because they’re deplorable and stuff. Nothing else to report today save that I love you all like jelly tots. Which is A LOT,