Down but not out

Since last I wrote I have mostly been being down but not out. Truth told there is one hell of a ginourmous mess going on in my head. My brain is loud, and chaotic and out of control, but somehow, I’m still managing to put one foot in front of the other, because that’s what the WeeGee does when the chips are down….

Everything really ought to be fine and dandy but perhaps the fact that I know that is the biggest frustration of all. Instead of planning, and hoping, and getting super excited about our shiny new flat I wake up in the morning with that huge ‘NO’ surrounding me. My thoughts flutter around in my head, resting on one thing, and then the other, and then another thing entirely. I can’t seem to make them settle on one thing for long enough to do the slightest thing about any of it. It – if IT’S not one thing IT’s another thing.

One thing is what happens in my head when the big guy doesn’t play fair with the little guy, when someone says one thing and does another, when people hide behind the men in suits. In short, it’s what happens when there is an injustice of one sort or another. I’m facing a choice – do I take on the big guy, even though I am the little guy, and even though this particular little guy isn’t exactly the most adept at dealing with the kinds of stresses the fight is likely to bring with it? Which is really just to say do I stand up and insist that I’m right, and that they’re wrong because that’s what I believe you ought to do OR do I take care of my mental health at all costs because that’s also what I also believe I ought to do.

As you can see, I’ve thought my way into an impossible conundrum there.

Another thing is what happens in my head when a political party comprising entirely of idiots, racists, sexists, homophobes and every other kind of unpleasantness is somehow and suddenly viewed as a mainstream political party on the country I live in. It bothers me. And I mean it really bothers me that we’ve somehow come to the position that significant portions of my compatriots think it’s okay to say they’d prefer not to live next to a ‘migrant’ family. It’s under my skin and it’s making me dismayed and angry and hopeless. Mr Awesome Thing Number Five thinks I’m stressing myself out about nothing. And who knows, maybe he’s right. Or maybe I’m right because you have to care, and you have to stand up to it. UKIP stand against EVERYTHING I believe in. I can’t ignore it, but I can’t think of anything sensible to do about it.

That there is impossible conundrum number two.

Yet another thing is the absolute chaos that is my living room at the present time. I’d post a picture but I can’t bring myself to acknowledge it. Now – on the one hand it’s an inevitability that there will be a certain amount of chaos when you’re moving house but on the other hand I can’t seem to find a way to deal with chaos. When things are messy my brain gets messy and when my brain gets messy it starts to think about giving up on me. I’m managing to keep myself out of the pit, but it sure does feel inviting. I could pull the covers up over my head and hide from the world in a heart beat but I’ve got stuff to do and I’ve got my regular life to go about living and I know only too well that once you’re in the pit you have to stay there for a very long time.

It all feels a bit doomy and gloomy doesn’t it? That’s just the way my brain works. Some days are better than others, and I know that all I really need to do is put one foot in front of the other and hold on tight for the better days. I know that they always come, eventually, in their own good time. I know that I want to be ready for them when they do.

Most of all I know that at some point in the future I’ll read this post and wonder what all the fuss was about. This is how I feel today, these are the things that matter now, but the future isn’t very far away at all and in the future feelings are different and things have moved on. I can’t help thinking that the future isn’t anything more than the past that happened yet which means you’ll survive the future, because you’ve always managed to survive the past.

Nothing else to report today save that I love you all lots and lots like jelly tots and flower pots.

WeeGee xoxox

 

Advertisements

14 comments

  1. Sorry to hear that things are difficult, that is a hard decision, but I’m sure you’ll work out what to do. As for UKIP, it’s disgusting and I don’t understand how people can possibly support them, I’m just hoping that these people never become the majority, because a UK with them in charge would not be good! Take care of you, hugs xxx

    1. Hey Ellie. Thanks so much lovely. I think I’ve pretty much got it worked out…. all it took was a bit of a think! I’m pleased to find yet another person who is disgusted by UKIP. To be honest I think there are enough of us to well and truly see them off xoxo

  2. I love what you say about surviving the future because you’ve survived the past. And I also know too well the conflict that goes on inside when you want to stand up and fight against something morally wrong, but doing so causes you to jeopardize your mental health. I often think those of us who’ve dealt with severe mental health issues and are doing better have the hardest time of it, because we will do anything to avoid going through that again. I can’t tell you what you ought to do (and I know you weren’t asking), just that I know how hard that conflict is.

    For what it’s worth, I happen to agree with you that it’s incredibly disturbing when you have a situation like you described, where people would “prefer not to live next to ‘migrant’ families’ “. It makes me think of country clubs and other places that were “restricted” — as in they wouldn’t let in certain “types”, most commonly Jews or other “undesirables” — and honestly I’m sure I shouldn’t be using the past tense.

    One thing I’ve really learned so much about lately is how there is an element in your country who are so grossly bigoted, and it’s terrifying when it becomes a political faction. Not saying that’s your national identity by a long ways, actually I think I was so shocked when I first started hearing about it from another blogger because I never ever thought of that kind of attitude and associated it with the UK. I think sometimes that it may be because I always thought the US had the ignorance and bigotry market cornered. And we do have our share, though thank God they haven’t a mainstream political party. Of course the flip side is we have individuals in both major political parties who have these views and hide them — mostly — which often can be a great deal scarier.

    For what it’s worth, having read this and knowing in so many words where you stand with issues like this makes me proud and happy to call you my friend, and grateful there is a WeeGee in the world who knows how much it does matter.

    1. As always Ruby, your comment meant a whole lot to me.

      I think in light of what’s going on with politics in the UK at the moment I want it to be known that we really aren’t all like that. I think people are a bit disenfranchised, and a bit angry, and all kinds of other things, but I don’t know a single person who would stand up for the kind of hate that UKIP seem to believe in.

      Like you say though…. It does matter. And WeeGee isn’t planning on shutting up about it any time soon.

      xoxoxo

  3. The frustration that comes with, “I really ought to be happy, fine, and excited, but instead feel the opposite” is the biggest killer for my brain. I want to tell you that it’s okay to feel the way you do. Moving is stressful and nervous for the most non-broken brained people. In fact, it’s one of the biggest stresses in life, along with marriage, and having a baby. When I moved I was having a baby at the same time, and I was an absolute mess, everything was chaos and horrible, but after I had settled in to my new place, made it my own with pictures and stuff, I felt SO MUCH BETTER and I was so happy I did move. The same will happen for you, but it’s really okay to feel like crap about it now.

    As for taking on the big guy, as a little guy, well, it’s not impossible. Sometimes things need to be said. However, if you can let it go then do so, if you really can’t, then you have to do something because stuff like that eats away at you, and it will feel worse than actually saying something.

    UKIP, well, the whole thing has made me angry. I’ve lost my faith in humanity as a collective. Generally I believe that the world is mostly full of good people, but as a collective we suck. The whole UKIP thing has just reminded me how much I hate hatred, and how much hatred makes me angry and how much I just wish people were not stupid and were working together to create harmony. The world isn’t like that though, I think about Walking Dead, how even then, when we all have one enemy, we still want to fight each other. That sucks. I don’t know how not to think about it, but I wish more people did, that more people took action. I can tell you though that helping other people helps me deal with all this stuff. Ghandi says, “Be the change you want to see in the world”, and by helping others it’s kind of cathartic.

    Much love as always, you know where I am if you need to talk, Ill be around always.

    1. I know that once we’re all moved and settled it’s going to be AWESOME. I’m just struggling to look forward to it like I should because all the chaos is clouding my judgement. Pah!

      I think I’ve come to some decisions anyhow. The principle of the whole big guy little thing bothers me, but sometimes I think you have to remove yourself from the stressful decisions. Line up your ducks and all that. There’s probably enough going on for me to be contending with at the moment anyway!

      I’m still sick of UKIP. That’s all I’ve got to say about that :-/

      Much love back honey. I’ll drop you a little line later today.

      Xoxo

How about a little chat?

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s