I don’t blog like I used to. Things have changed and time has moved on and no matter how hard I try I can’t find the space anymore. Sure – once in a while I pop up, mostly to lament how much time has passed since my last post, but it doesn’t seem to matter what I write because it’s just not like it used to be.
More than anything I wonder what happened to WeeGee because WeeGee seems to be conspicuously absent from my life right now. I won’t make any bones about it: I made WeeGee up. She wasn’t real. She was a figment of my imagination, and a representation that I wanted to make, and I completely made her up. That said she was as good a representation as ever there was and now she’s gone and it feels a bit empty. I don’t how that happened.
Truth told, I’ve lost myself and I’ve lost myself in a way that only I seem to know how. I’ve somehow managed to build a whole world around me and that sounds great, right? Except it isn’t because it strangles me, and stamps on me, and makes me small: it makes it so that I’m lost and silent and resigned to the dullness that surrounds me. You’ll have gathered by now that my tendency for melodramatics hasn’t quite left me….
You’ll also have gathered that This Is Not A Good Time.
I’m writing because I don’t know what else to do. I’m writing because – once upon a time a long time ago – I wrote a lot and it made it right. I’m writing because somehow, in amongst it all, I still desperately hope that I’ve got something to say. I’m writing because maybe it’s just what I do when the chips are down, and the hope has gone, and there’s no other place to go.
More than anything I’m writing to say ‘hello’ to my much loved mental friends. I know that whatever I say here that someone out there will say ‘I get you’. I don’t think too many people in the real world are getting it right now, so, you know.
It’s a tough old path isn’t it? And I’m still treading it. I think I’ll be back tomorrow for some more emotional vomit, which is what you got tonight and I apologise. In the meantime I could sure so with a hug.
Love you all lots like jelly tots,
WeeGee (Gail) xxx