Month: September 2015

The state of the WeeGee Nation

I’m still feeling a little far away. Truth told I feel like I’ve started to evaporate – you know, like tiny little wisps of me are floating off into the atmosphere leaving behind a lesser version of the thing that was there before. There. I’ve said it: that’s how I’m REALLY feeling today, although I probably wouldn’t say it anywhere but here. Which makes me think, we might as well get a song in early today:

Of course, I’m doing my best to keep myself connected to things. Trouble is, I seem only to have managed a concentrated period of ping-ponging from one AWESOME activity to the next. Right now, I’m like a 1950s housewife on speed, what with all the pickling things which turned into frenzied chutney making which turned into serious time invested in perfecting chilli jam which reminded me I was going to make a knitting needle roll (!) which made me think I really ought to finish knitting that cardigan. I’ve also been baking stuff, and cooking stuff, and cleaning stuff and ironing stuff (to relax, like) In quiet moments I’ve continued to buy Tupperware at an alarming rate because…… okay, I admit it: I STILL DON’T KNOW WHY IN THE NAME OF FUCK I’M BUYING ALL THIS BLASTED TUPPERWARE.


tupperware one

Ho hum.

So yeah – safe to say there’s a slightly odd state of affairs going on here in WeeGee Land at the moment but I’m mostly putting it down to September. September is my least favourite month of all and I tend not to be at my best whilst it’s in progress. I’ve dragged myself through enough Septembers to know that the best plan of action is to simply hunker down and go with whatever comes. I suppose that’s the bad news: September happens. The good news is:

  • September will be over soon
  • I’ll feel better once September is over
  • I’ve taken care of myself during September which means I’ll be well enough to spring back into action come October

I guess what I’m trying to say is that it isn’t going to be ho hum forever.

Meanwhile in other news the Rugby World Cup is well and truly underway. This is a good thing in WeeGee Land. Nothing else to report save that I have a surplus of Tupperware containers if anyone out there is going short…..

Tuperware 3

Hope the sun is shining on you, wherever you are.

Love you all lots, like lots and lots of Jelly Tots,

WeeGee xoxox

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Pickle ALL the things

Since last I wrote I have mostly been being in hiding, partly I think because I’ve been a little under the weather with some kind of ‘virus’ that I can’t seem to shake off for once and for all. The less said about that the better.

I’ve also been feeling quite far away from myself which is just one of those feelings that seems to come along every once in a while. I’ve gotten used to my feelings and I’ve learned to rub along with them without losing myself but I know I have to be careful when I start feeling far away. Historically, I’ve had trouble staying ‘grounded’ and ‘attached’ and I’ve learned the importance of working hard to keep hold of myself if my brain decides it wants to fly away. If anyone needs me in the immediate future, I guess I’ll be working hard to keep hold of myself……

Apart from feeling unwell and far away, life here in WeeGee Land is still rumbling along nicely enough. My latest escapades include pickling ALL OF THE THINGS, reading the fantastic Constance Spry cookery book, going a bit leftfield with my box sets and watching Midsomer Murders from beginning to end, and buying a fuck-tonne of Tupperware, for reasons best known to (if not fully understood by) myself. Standard.

Meanwhile in other news I have decided that I’m going to start keeping a diary. I’ve done a lot of journaling in my time, but I really quite fancy doing the whole ‘Dear Diary’ thing again. So I’ve started one. In September, because if I wait until January I’ll only have forgotten about the idea and who says diaries have to start in January anyway? Nothing else to report today save that I wanted my diary to be ‘old skool’ and it ended up looking like this:

Secret diary

I hope you’re all rare and sparkly and unicorn like. I thought I’d take the liberty of ending with a song. When I was younger I thought it was THE most beautiful song in the world, and I don’t exactly disagree now I’m old(er). I’ve probably shared it before, but some things just keep on coming back to you, don’t they?

That’s it from me.

Love you all lots like Jelly tots,

WeeGee xoxox

Some girls are bigger than others

Just so you know – I’m going to write about the life I lived when I had an eating disorder. There are no pictures and there are no numbers but it’s a post about having an eating disorder. So now you know, in case you’d rather not read.

I hope you’ll forgive the title. I pinched it from the Smiths, one of my go to bands when the going gets tough (and good, and middling. I love the Smiths, me). It seemed appropriate, given the things that have been on my mind this week and carries NO significance beyond being a pretty good song and a straightforward statement of fact. Human women people, much like human men people believe it or not, come in all shapes and sizes and some of them are indeed, bigger, smaller, taller, shorter and all kinds of other things than others.

—–

I write an open and honest blog about the experiences I have with poor mental health: that’s what I do here. I’ve written openly, and honestly about depression, and self-harm and suicidal behaviour because that is my truth and because I refuse to apologise for the pain I have felt. But this is my other truth: there are some things that never get better, and never go away. Some things stay with you, because some things, it seems, are sewn into your very soul.

I’ve never written about my eating disorder, not really. I’ve alluded to it, and danced around it, and acknowledged it without ever really saying anything about it. Why? Because of all the things I’ve felt, and all the things I’ve thought, the things I’ve felt and thought about food, and my weight are the things that hurt the most.

I couldn’t tell you where it started: I’d love to know how I ended up with this particular monkey on my back. In my mind, looking back, I know that my body started changing and I know that it felt wrong. I remember feeling ‘wobbly’ in the bodily sense, and I remember knowing, somehow, that I didn’t want to feel that feeling. There was a point, that I just wanted it to stop: the growing up, the changing body, the being in charge…. I wanted to disappear, to be invisible – I don’t know how or why I came to think that way, but I did.

As for the way I felt? I can’t begin to find the words. Of all the things I’ve felt the way I felt then, in my teens and early twenties, are the only feelings that I can’t bring to life with words. It was a time of ritual, and numbers, and fear, and horror: there has been no horror in my head quite like the horror that the eating disorder put there. To have an eating disorder is to become so absolutely and completely lost that ‘self’ becomes an impossible concept. There is no self – no anything, in the face of a monster like that. They’re sneaky little bastards, eating disorders – they hang around in the background, changing your habits, thoughts, behaviours and instincts. Before you realise it they’re there in the foreground and you’ve completely lost track of which way is up.

For most of my eating disorder my weight was a little low but completely stable. Those were the darkest times because those were the times when I had no help – I was hiding in plain sight. I lived with it alone, I tended it alone, I stoked the fires alone. Then, of course, there were the times when things weren’t quite so stable when my weight became too low, dangerously low, low enough to set alarm bells ringing.

My recovery was a slow one because it took me years to get past the notion that I could ‘get away with it’ and do things my way without anyone noticing. Put plainly, I got used to thinking everything was fine so long as I could convince others, by way of stable weight, that everything was fine. As I’ve already said – eating disorders are sneaky little bastards that conspire to keep you ill against your better judgement.

Nowadays I don’t pretend that my eating disorder isn’t there anymore. I wake up every single morning, look it square in the face and know, for that day, I’m winning. I struggle when I’m hungry, especially in the morning, because there’s a little eating disorder voice challenging me, and coaxing me to keep the hunger going. Every single day of my life I hear that voice and I override it. Because that’s what beating an eating disorder feels like. Every single day of my life I come across food that belongs on a list of ‘banned food’ and I eat it, if I’m hungry. Because that’s what beating an eating disorder feels like. Every single day of my life I refuse to count, and I refuse to weigh and I refuse to feel sorry for nourishing my body. Because that’s what beating an eating disorder feels like.

I was surprised, when I finally got to a point in my life that food and weight and guilt and control didn’t rule it, to discover that things STILL weren’t perfect. Right now I know that I’m still bleak, and over enthusiastic, and compulsive, and secretive, and frightened, and angry, and overwhelmed, and awesome, and hopeful, and happy and a MILLION AND ONE kinds of things. And that’s okay, because that’s what beating an eating disorder feels like. It feels imperfect, but it feels like life, and it feels an awful lot better than it did before…….

Love you all lots like jelly tots,

WeeGee

I heart Fleet…. (Share Your World)

We bought a new fruit bowl at the weekend. Not particularly interesting in of itself, granted, but the net result of buying a new fruit bowl here in WeeGee Land was an afternoon spent COMPLETELY rearranging the furniture to accommodate it. Of course, I’m probably not the first person who COMPLETELY rearranged the furniture because they bought a new fruit bowl, but I’m guessing it puts me in a reasonably small minority nevertheless.

I’m sure that says all kinds of things about me and I’ll probably spend ages having one of my little thinks trying to figure it out. In the meantime I thought I might as well continue my journey with Cee and share my world for another week…..

What made you feel good this week?

To be honest I’ve been feeling a little sad and hopeless this week, not so much about my own life but about the plight of the hundreds of thousand displaced peoples that Europe seems to want to turn its back on. Today saw the bodies of children washing up on Turkish beaches and yet still, as far as I can tell, governments across the continent, refuse to say ‘enough is enough’ and provide easy paths to safe harbour.

Anyway, I’ve digressed. The thing that made me feel good this week was this fantastic initiative to provide much needed items to refugees in Calais and Greece. Much welcome proof to me that we’re not all bad us humans….

For potlucks or parties do you cook it yourself, buy from a grocery store, or pay for catering?

I’m not a bad cook, and I don’t half like doing it so I’d cook myself, each and every time.

What is your favorite part of the town/city you live in.  And what Country do you live?

I’m in the UK which is at least an island, if not at all tropical. I live in Fleet, a little town about 40 miles south of London which is famed for its motorway service station and a rather large pond, which I think is my favourite part of the town:

Fleet pond 2Fleet Pond

I’m also quite fond of the Canal:

Basingstoke canal

And the fields between here and a little town called Hartley Witney:

Countryside

Complete this sentence:  My favorite place in the whole world…..

My favourite place in the whole world is my bed in the five minutes before I have to get up.

Bed

Bonus question:  What are you grateful for from last week, and what are you looking forward to in the week coming up?

This week I was grateful for the Bank Holiday which gave me a three day weekend and a whole extra day with Mr Awesome Thing Number Five and Gryff, the best cat in the world.

In the week coming up I’m looking forward to re-painting the fabulous cast iron recipe-book stand I found at an antiques fair on Monday.

Meanwhile in other news I booked myself a place on a sewing class – something I’ve been meaning to do for approximately four years since receiving a sewing machine as a Christmas gift. Nothing else to report today save that I really must stop procrastinating.

Love you all lots like Jelly tots,

WeeGee xoxoxox