What if you told the truth?

Don’t you ever wonder what would happen if you told the truth? I mean if you really actually told it like it is in your head – if you didn’t sugar coat it, or make it palatable? What if you just came out and said it, as it is, whatever it is?

I spend a lot of my time wondering about that but in the end, I’m stuck with the way things are – polite conversation, behaving acceptably, not rocking the boat, and above all else not making people uncomfortable.

Nobody tells the truth because nobody wants to hear the truth.

If I were to tell the truth I’d say it hurts and that I’m angry and that I’m full of regret. I’d say that my nightmares aren’t full of abstract ideas but the one mistake I can’t live with, played out over and over and over again in all its gruesome reality. I’d say that’s why I can’t sleep – because every time I close me eyes THAT”S WHAT I SEE.

If I were to tell the truth I’d say I’m too old to put it right and that really, that’s what this is all about. Back then I thought I had so much time to make it better. I thought it was going to be different. I didn’t realise I was going to have to live with it, not like this. I thought there would be an ending. I thought I would put it all behind be and that would be the end.

If I were to tell the truth I’d say that for all the shame I feel that it wasn’t really my fault because I didn’t understand it – not like I do now. I’d also say that what I feel now is a just punishment, and that I deserve everything I get because WHY DIDN’T I MAKE MYSELF UNDERSTAND.

The truth can be contradictory.

Mostly, when you look at it, people do ordinary things with their lives. They find jobs and hobbies and people to love, and they buy houses, and fill them with things and children and pets and it’s all very ordinary.

When I was young I didn’t want ordinary, but now? Now I’d give everything and anything I could if I could have a tiny bit of ordinary in return. Everything and anything and whatever else it might take.

So yeah – If I were to tell the truth I would say that this person is not the person I was supposed to be, and this life was not the life I wanted to live. If I were to tell the truth I’d say that I’ve got it wrong – at every step, I’ve got it wrong.

If I were to tell the truth I’d say that I’m blessed with friends and family and love. And if I were to tell the truth I’d say that for everything I am blessed with, somehow I am cursed with more.

Advertisements

8 comments

  1. I love your elephant idea and photo. I don’t know of a better way to address challenges than one bite at a time. Great post.

    Telling the truth is what it’s all about, no? The truth shall set you free…. but first is’s going to piss you off, and others. I spent most of my life trying to say and do the right things, as you posted. As I get older, I start editing my feelings and words less and less. I still practice caution, but not because I want others to like me. I am careful because of two main reasons: Some people don’t want to hear the truth- some young and unwise and others in complete denial; sometimes saying the truth is a waste of time and effort.Pick my battles, I say.

    Who am I trying to impress now? Is it a boss? My friends? My family? Family and friends will love me anyway. Bosses? I am finished with bosses. I am now retired and doing what I love to do when I want to do it. If someone wants help, great. I will do what I can.I spent most of my life learning how to be emotionally honest and I am left with the above observations.

    Take care. Please visit my blog. I am new here and really don’t know what I am doing re: the mechanics of improving the look of it.

    Pedro

  2. “for everything I am blessed with, somehow I am cursed with more”
    I FEEL YOU. THIS HAS BEEN MY ENTIRE LIFE. IT SUCKS.

    As for the truth telling stuff, I go about my day and I want to be a nice person, lovely person, friendly person, but then, I don’t feel well and I find the truth slips out of my mouth because it’s been rattling around my brain for months, and now it’s like truth vomit everywhere and people call it an outburst, or say I am mean, and the worst part is, I can’t take it back, because it is the truth.
    As for the truth about my life, again I pretend that I am ordinary, that everything around me is ordinary. That I have normality. Anything that then happens that stops this pretence from being able to be true, because of evidence, really flips my world upside down and I struggle to deal with it because it feels like I can’t accept the reality of the truth, I don’t want to live with that reality.
    I can’t offer any advice, only that I feel you, and I wish that the normality that I pretend was real, for the both of us.

    1. Every time a blessing comes, I’ve learned to expect a curse. Blessings bring no pleasure now, only the anticipation of worse to come. Pavlovian conditioning? Self-fulfilling prophecy? The part I hate is that I don’t even have life that bad. I mean, I have opportunities others only dream of. Yet, squandered. Ugh.

    2. I wish it was real too – for both of us. You know what though? I figure we’ll find whatever it is that’s real – eventually, between us, if we keep putting our heads together….

      Sending loads of love your way.

      xxx

How about a little chat?

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s