Friends

Today came around. Again….

It always rains in WeeGee land on 19th September.

To be fair, I don’t know if it actually always rains, or if my memory just thinks it always rains, but it very definitely rained today and since that fits with my pre-conceived notions of what today should feel like I’m going to go with it.

It’s been fifteen years since the 19th September first meant anything to me. Fifteen years is a long time. It’s so long that I can’t properly remember the person I was back then. It’s so long ago that my friends are different, that my life is different, and that whatever it was I hoped and dreamed of at the time is long forgotten and given up on. I’m a grown up now – it’s all behind me – none of what mattered then matters now. Life moves on, people change, you stop looking for the big answers and start dealing with the little questions one by one.

Today shouldn’t mean anything to me. It’s an anniversary of something that only I remember and that has no meaningful impact on my life now. Like I said, life moves on.

Every year, the 19th September comes around. I dread it for weeks, and then it comes around and before I know it, it’s over with. I try to mark it, but I never manage to mark it well enough because…. Well, because – how do you mark a thing you want to remember but don’t want to acknowledge out loud?

As it goes, the best I can do is to withdraw into my own head for the day. All I can do is make today about today – I can let my thoughts rest on things I don’t otherwise let them rest on – I can stop for a moment and I can let everything that has happened in the last 15 years settle around me.

I’ll wake up tomorrow and today will be over with. That’s the beauty of it, isn’t it? Today doesn’t matter because tomorrow is on the way.

What you’ve lost is less important than what you have. Hope is important.

Love you all lots, like jelly tots,

WeeGee xxxxx

What the heartbreak left behind

Since last I wrote I have mostly been being sentimental because when all’s said I’m done the WeeGee is nothing if not a sentimental old fool….

As I write I’m sitting in my packed up living room, trying to come to terms with the fact that it very nearly isn’t my living room anymore. It’s worth mentioning, I think, that tonight is the LAST EVER night I will spend alone in this little flat that I’ve come to call home.

I moved in here a little over three years ago at a time when (and I don’t mean to be melodramatic) it felt like my whole life was falling apart. It wasn’t just that a relationship had come to an end – although with hindsight I know that the grief that came with that was a large part of it – I’d lost friendships, support structures, routines, every single reference point that I thought I could rely on. I was all at sea and there was no shore, or at least no shore that I could find. I’d been lost before, plenty of times in fact, but when I moved here I was lost in a whole new way – mostly because I was lost alone.

Of course the heartbreak subsided because that’s what it does – it was that thing that people talked about when it first happened ‘time’. I didn’t believe them then and if it happened all over again I still wouldn’t believe them because the heart doesn’t learn lessons nearly as well as the brain does. I guess you need the time to happen before you believe it’s going to help.

Once the heartbreak was over I didn’t feel like I’d been left with very much – a silent flat and a WeeGee who not only had no idea who she was anymore but who also didn’t really care was pretty much all I had in my head for the longest time. It was the worst of me – the worst of who I’ve been and worst of who I can be. Everything was nothing and it wasn’t so much that I wanted to be dead. I just didn’t care one way or another. My brain has taken me to some spectacularly awful places but this was the first time that I didn’t feel that I had anything to get better for. I’d been unwell before, sure, but there had always been people around to save me. This time, all I had was myself and I’d never much cared for her

Needless to say, I’ve learned an awful lot since I moved to Kingston. I learned how to be with myself, and how to let myself be who I am, and, to a certain extent, how to forgive myself. I’ve learned how to put one foot in front of the other JUST FOR ME. Most importantly of all, I’ve learned how to save myself from the worst my brain has to throw at me.

I thought I was going to hate living alone, and for a long time, I did. But eventually I realised that I needed to be alone because I’d become so used to fitting in around other people that I had no idea how to be me when the other people weren’t around anymore. On reflection, maybe that’s the most important lesson I learned here: I matter. And I matter whether there is anyone else in my life or not.

At this point, it seems worth a bit of fast forwarding because the time I spent alone, coming to terms with myself and working out who I might be if I ever grow up put me in a new place. It put me in a place where I was ready to meet Mr Awesome Thing Number Five, who, I would like to put on record, is the love of my life. I don’t love Mr Awesome Thing Number Five because he loves me and I don’t adapt myself or lose anything of me in loving him. I bring as much to his life as he brings to mine – I’ve never had that before because I never cared enough for myself before. I’ve always been too willing to please and too quick to compromise no matter what the consequences. Who knew that you had to learn to love yourself before you could make space to love any one else?

Living in this little flat gave me my life back and helped me to learn lessons that I might not otherwise have learned. What it also did is give me the opportunity to move on sensibly in a grown up and deeply loving relationship that has a future. Being heartbroken seems like a lifetime ago but it gave me things that I never thought I would have. Nothing you ever feel is wasted; everything you survive is significant. Hope is the most important thing of all.

Lots of love, WeeGee xoxoxo

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Not ready yet

You can usually get a pretty reliable sense of what’s going on in my head by looking at the music I’m listening to. Right now I’m on Radiohead, The Smiths, Jeff Buckley and Elliot Smith which is really just to say it isn’t exactly jolly o’clock here in WeeGee land. Here’s a song that sums it all up at the moment:

On the face of it, it all started last week but now I come to think of it I can see that this has been sneaking up on me for a long time because you can only turn the other cheek for so long. There’s no good to be found in trying to pretend.

I’ve been trying to pretend that everything is okay but everything is not okay. The worst of it is that I don’t know how to go about making everything okay again. Running away might help, but it isn’t exactly a sensible option….. Maybe things aren’t meant to be okay, not for me anyway.

I can’t tell you too much about what’s going on – it wouldn’t be fair on the people and the things that are involved. All I can really say is that I find myself in a situation, which circumstances aren’t helping. I know that if the circumstances went away the situation would be better which, by the way, seems to be what everyone wants. But nobody seems to want to help me with the circumstances and so we’re stuck with the situation. There is no help and there is no end.

For as long as I can remember I’ve been a ‘problem’ What with one thing or another I’m always the difficult one, the one who does things the long way round, the one who doesn’t quite ‘fit’. I’m tired of being nothing other than a problem. It doesn’t seem to matter where I manage to get to – there’s always something waiting to pull the rug from under my feet. It’s usually my brain. Why isn’t my brain on my side?

I frighten myself when I feel like this mostly because I don’t want to feel like this. But what do you do when there’s a war in your brain, and you’re always the problem, and when there is no help and no end?

How do you eat an elephant? Bite by bite…..

Love you all lots like jelly tots,

WeeGee xoxoxo

In which WeeGee tries to be coherent (and might fail)

Good evening everybody.

I thought it was high time I did a proper update because my last few posts have been a bit existential, and topsy turvey, and – let’s face it – nonsensical. What can I say? I got a little lost in it all for a while there…..

It’s easy to get lost isn’t it? It occurs that ‘getting lost’ has nothing to do with being mental – it’s just one of those things that happens every once in a while because we’re all as mixed up as each other. My trouble, I guess, is that when I get a bit ‘mixed up’ I see it all unfolding before me, and coming down the tracks, and getting bigger and heavier all the time. And then it ends up with me jumping off a tall thing because that’s the way it always used to be. The lesson I have to learn is that it doesn’t have to be that way because I’m over that stuff now.

Sometimes all you need is a bit of perspective: a reminder of who you are now instead of the constant marker of who you used to be. Who you used to be, I think, is the only person who’ll stop you being who you’re going to be so its important that you don’t dwell on that person too much. You have to move on – always forwards, always without the past and the old you mucking it all up.

It’s ages since I mentioned any of the significant others in my life because my head’s been full of me, and how lost I get, and how difficult it can be. Today I’m going to mention Mr Friendly who never loses patience, who always points me in the right direction, and who is possibly more of a politics geek than I am. I’m glad he’s in my life. I should also mention Mr Wise AKA WeeGee’s dad who has got her this far and still sees the funny side. I’m glad he’s in my life too. As for Mrs Sparkle – where on planet mental would I be without her? Everybody needs a Mrs Sparkle in their life, with her boxes of wine and cups of tea and HUGE hugs, and the ability never to say I told you so even when she clearly did ‘told you so’. When you’ve got people like that in your life it doesn’t ever have to be difficult. I’m glad for all the people I have in my life.

I guess there’s also Mr X who is a sorta significant other. I think I maybe got a bit lost in that which isn’t to say he isn’t significant – it’s just that I’ve already got people who point me in the right direction, and who see the funny side, and who administer cups of tea. I can’t put the whole of the old WeeGee on someone new, but I can let them know ME. Me now as I really and not as what I used to be. Maybe he’ll like it, maybe he won’t but I don’t mind so long as I know the real me is the me who’s shining through. I want him to know me, now and as I am. And that’s who I’m going to be.

Did this make any more sense than my recent posts? In my head it does and maybe that’s all I can hope for.

In brief? It’s going to be okay, one way or another, so long as WeeGee is okay. And she will be.

Cheery-bye xoxoxo

I’m fine. So there….

Today I have mostly been being a happy little soul because I don’t have a single reason to be anything else. Perhaps that isn’t entirely true because not everything is perfect and I’m sure I could find something to be miserable and overwhelmed about if I put my mind to it. The thing is I’ve decided that from here on WeeGee is going to stop putting her mind to being miserable and overwhelmed and concentrate on being AWESOME instead. It’s much better fun being alive when you’re too busy being AWESOME to be miserable and overwhelmed….

I made an important discovery this past week – it turns out if you stop worrying, and fretting, and being all miserable and overwhelmed you start to find the courage to face up to the things that are making you feel that way. This is important because when you start facing up to things, and taking action, and being positive about the negatives you eventually find that you’re dealing with the negatives in a sensible and coherent way. I guess if you keep that up for long enough you eventually get to a point where you’ve completely run out of negatives (although I suspect that one or two new negatives might pop up along the way because that’s just the way things works). I wonder if this way of looking at things is what they call ‘coping’? I really hope so, because if you look back through the history of WeeGee and her problems they have manifested themselves in all kinds of different ways but they’ve always come down to the same thing: WeeGee struggles to cope with being alive.

At the moment being alive feels pretty fine and dandy to me. I don’t really mind that people can be confusing and cruel or that the Big Wide World doesn’t always make sense because I’m happy to concentrate on My Little World and the honest and kind people I’ve spent a long time surrounding myself with. I don’t care that work is stressful or that I’m a bit on the skint side because work won’t be stressful for ever and I won’t always be skint – all things must pass. It doesn’t matter that sad things happen and then live in your heart for a very long time because if you never felt sad you wouldn’t appreciate how AWESOME it is when you feel happy. It doesn’t even matter that I’ve got a nuclear case of psoriasis going on because psoriasis really isn’t the kind of thing that ought to matter regardless of how nuclear it is.

This time last week I was feeling a bit mixed up and unsure and now I’m feeling completely together and certain and (how AWESOME is this?) it was little old me who got myself from one feeling to the other. Sure, I wobbled about all over the place for a little while but then I stopped wobbling, had a little think about what all the fuss was about, and then everything was okay again because the fuss was about nothing that matters. The fuss was about wonky expectations, and taking what people say to heart and not trusting myself to make my own choices just in case they went wrong and I couldn’t cope and went mental again. Those aren’t things that I’m prepared to base my decisions on anymore.

I have to trust how I feel and what I think and what I want because that’s what I’ve been working towards for all this time – WeeGee in the driving seat and in charge of her life and emotions just like a normal person. I also have to trust people and let them to get close because that’s the only way I’ll ever disprove the ridiculous theory that everybody lets you down and leaves in the end. Above all else I have to trust in the person that WeeGee is. If that means that I wear my heart on my sleeve, or care too much, or accept too easily or be too kind or whatever else it is that people say I do – so be it.

I know I wear my heart on my sleeve, that I care about people, and accept who and what they are, and that I’m kind – always and to everybody. What can I say? I can only ever be the me I’m supposed to be and besides – how is any of that a bad thing anyway?

So there.

 

Loadsa love from WeeGee McHappyLittleSoul xoxoxox

 

PS – It’s been ages since we’ve had a ‘meanwhile in other news’ or any asterisks isn’t it? Happen I’ll have to put that right sometime soon xoxoxox

 

A little favour?

Good evening folks. How’s it all going?

You know me – I’m not in the habit of asking for favours, but this is an important one. A good friend of mine has a nephew who’s hoping to make it all the way to the World Dwarf Games in the USA, but he needs a little help to get there.

I’ve never met Tom, but I have met people who care about him which is why I’m sharing this link in the hope that you will be able to help by a) donating whatever you can OR b) sharing the link on your blog, Facebook, Twitter – whatever. The more people who know about this the more support Tom will get and that’s the name of the game.

http://www.gofundme.com/28io0k

It’ll only take you a minute to support a proper actual superstar in achieving his potential…. Awww – go on, there are lots of mental people – we could get some momentum going…..

🙂

Lots of love from WeeGee xoxoxoxox

And now for something completely different….

Evening folks.

Today I decided it was time to put some of those grand plans I’ve been making in my head into action, because I’ve been sitting on my backside doing nothing for too long and I’m bored of sitting on my backside doing nothing and the only way to remedy that is to get up and get on.

I’m proud of How do you eat an elephant? I like what I’ve achieved here, and what we’ve done together and I think we’re all pretty damn AWESOME so I figured we might as well tell a whole different world about how AWESOME we are.

Ladies and gentlemen….. I give you How do you eat an elephant? on Facebook:

http://www.facebook.com/HungryElephant

I really hope you’ll head across and join me because I promise we’re going to have a whole lot of WeeGee shaped fun over there. It’s going to be an AWESOME and hilarious little place, where everybody is welcome and hugs are available on tap. Not only that – there’s even a PRIZE for follower number one…..

Go on. You’ll never know what you’re missing unless you try it.

Lots and lots of love (and I’m going to feel a bit foolish if no-one comes to the party) WeeGee xoxoxoxoxo

Everything is all BRILLIANT and stuff

Before I go any further I HAVE to share this song with you because it is GORGEOUS and it’s also the best cover version in the whole world EVER:

BRILLIANT in’t it?

Sorry I didn’t post yesterday. It was Mrs Mountain day and I had an awful lot of thinking to do. Plus I had my (now daily) chit chat with Mr Magic to fit in which was sweet and awesome and a nice way to spend my evening. Mrs Mountain and I spent a lot of time talking about why I had pressed the self-sabotage button and gone a bit weird about food. There wasn’t really a conclusion but the most plausible theory was that I was happy and generally enjoying things but broken brain had decided that I didn’t deserve any of that on account of me being all rubbish and pointless and what not. By the way, project fatten up WeeGee is coming along okay but it’s really hard work and every so often I feel like bursting into tears. I’m ploughing on through it, and I’ve made plans to eat with people for every meal over the weekend because it’s difficult to be weird about eating when you’re eating with people. The only other thing to note is that if I see another sachet of complan in my life I swear to god I’m going to SCREAM.

I’ve been compiling a little list of all the awesome things about Mr Magic and it’s getting quite long now so I thought I would share it:

  • He is a magician*
  • He swears more than I do**
  • He phones me every night just to say hi***
  • He phoned me first thing this morning just to say hi****
  • He says brolly instead of umbrella*****
  • He just comes right out and says what he thinks******
  • He is best friends with the guitarist from the Real People*******
  • He understands that WeeGee is vulnerable and a) knows when to back off, b) knows when not to back of and c) has already realised that if you want to bring WeeGee back to herself when she’s having a moment you just have to tell her the truth and then make her laugh********

As for all the awesome things about Mr Grammar Geek? I won’t do a list because I can sum it up in one word: intrigue. He’s interested in all kinds of things I’m not interested in (yet) and that’s very interesting to WeeGee. I also have a sneaking suspicion that he’s hiding in a little bit of a shell and that is also interesting. Oh – and he plays the trumpet. Actually I forgot the best bit: he’s French and I’m pretty confident that he’d sound pretty damn sexy reading my shopping list out loud. Sigh….

What next….. How about a little musical interlude?

That there is the other contender for the best cover version in the whole world EVER. Listen to it all the way through and you’ll think you’re going die of awesomeness when you hear how Frank’s voice cracks with bitterness and spite at the end. I love Frank Turner so much that I’d definitely marry him if he asked even though I don’t really understand why people get married.

Work has been brilliant this week – I’ve been reminded that not only do I love my job I also love the people I work with and I know that means I am a very lucky girl indeed. Here are some of the brilliant things that have happened in the office this week:

  • I learned that those things surveyors survey stuff with are called ‘theodolites’ which means that I’ll be able to show off and say ‘that’s a theodolite’ the next time I see one
  • Mrs Bossy told the story of the time a mini tornando went down her street and a child’s sandpit landed in her garden and WeeGee thought if that was my story it would be the first thing I would tell people when I met them
  • Mrs Bossy told the story of the time her back went when she was naked in the kitchen and WeeGee thought a) if that was my story it would be the last thing I would tell people and b) that she must remember never to go into her kitchen naked again ;-P
  • Mr Hilarious kept going on about how huge the chocolate cake in the café was so WeeGee went down to see it and when the guy asked her what she would like she was forced to say ‘Nothing, I just came to look at the cake’ and felt like a bit of a chump
  • WeeGee accidently wrote ‘lots of love’ in a retirement card which disappointed her because it took the edge off some excellent sarcasm
  • WeeGee accidentally said  ‘thanks for that lovely’ at the end of a telephone call with Mr I’m Quite Handsome and everyone in the office teased her so much she actually blushed
  • WeeGee didn’t tell the rest of the office that Mr I’m Quite Handsome replied ‘No worries sweetheart….. my pleasure’ because she wanted to keep that bit to herself

Today has been one of my favourite Fridays in the world EVER because Project Rubbish is now signed off and officially off my desk and if things start falling over it’ll be nothing to do with me. This made me happy and bouncy and hilarious which was cool but then it rubbed on everyone else and it all got a bit hysterical and WeeGee had to leave the room to compose herself. I’ve reached that point in the day where I’ve written my to do list for next week and don’t want to start anything new but it’s too early to respectfully leave so I’m blogging and gossiping with you instead of gossiping with Mr Hilarious. Speaking of Mr Hilarious – here’s another reason he’s AWESOME: when WeeGee’s purse breaks and she has an emergency super glue required moment he has some emergency super glue at the bottom of one of his drawers.

Meanwhile in other news I am going to the pub after work and intend to eat, drink and be merry. Nothing else to report today save is it nearly wine o’clock yet?

*You don’t have to know very much about WeeGee to understand why that impresses her

**In a comedy fashion – he’s not at all uncouth

***And this doesn’t make me feel at all crowded or overwhelmed which is a good sign

****Because he ‘wanted to wake up with me’ and instead of being a bit creepy it was incredibly sweet

*****My friends laugh at me when I say brolly because it ‘makes me sound like an old person’

******My favourite kind of person because people like that tend not to tell lies

*******I’m guessing I’m one of only a small number of people who will find this impressive

********I don’t actually have an aside for this one but I had to keep up the pattern and I’ve now officially smashed my own blogging asterisk world record

Hilarity, hiding and the best chat up line in the world EVER (if you are WeeGee)

It all started with a rather hilarious evening with Mrs Sparkle. Between us we had a super duper girly evening and made every effort possible to put the world to rights. We had a good old chit chat about how different WeeGee is when she’s not off her rocker, and how much of a ginormous arsehole Mrs Sparkles ex husband actually is and how James Arthur is NOT appropriate crush material We also came up with a famed WeeGee list containing the things that WeeGee is, and isn’t looking for in a man:

Things WeeGee is definitely not looking for in a man

  • Height (I’m quite small enough without people looking down their noses at me thank you very much)
  • A ridiculous online user name (because a ridiculous online user name is the virtual equivalent of a ‘novelty tie’)
  • A desire to fix WeeGee (because of that thing I have about being independent)
  • A desire to ‘need’ WeeGee (because of that same thing I have about being independent)
  • An unhealthy relationship with a football team (been there, done that – it’s boring)

Things WeeGee is definitely looking for in a man

  • A kind heart
  • Hilarious jokes (hilarity in general will suffice)
  • A healthy dose of cheeky
  • A fantabulous hug
  • A small hint of geekiness

He’s out there somewhere, right?

And then I went to bed and discovered that I was having my first major bout of insomnia for as long as I can remember. You forget how rubbish insomnia is way too quickly. It’s piggin’ awful to be awake when the only thing in the world you want to be is ASLEEP. It’s equally awful when you remember that the only thing insomnia is good for is stirring up all the crap that you thought you had left behind. ROAR.

Anyway – the upshot of insomnia is that I’ve been having a hide today. It was only a small hide, and on reflection I think it was long overdue because there were one or two things that I needed to figure out and sometimes you can only figure things out if you pretend the world isn’t actually happening round you…..

I’ve pretty much figured it all out, but for tonight I just wanted to admit that a hide had occurred. Not only that – I have survived it and reached the conclusion that it’s perfectly NORMAL to have a bad day, where you mostly want to keep yourself to yourself and that you can do that without doing a quick recce of the light fittings.

Meanwhile in other news today I heard the best chat up line in the world EVER….. ‘is it acceptable to use a semi-colon after a question mark?’ Be still my beating heart! Nothing else to report today save that I went for a run this morning despite the self imposed running ban and it was pretty damn fine.

Lots of love from WeeeeeeeGeeeeeee xoxoxoxo

All of the feelings

I’m finding being me quite interesting at the moment. I’ve been so used to feeling nothing but misery and now I have all of the feelings at my disposal and I’m feeling them all, often at the same time. Feeling all of the feelings at the same time is a little bit confusing but it’s also pretty damn AWESOME because there’s no room for extremities when the opposite feeling is swimming around at the same time – it’s like a natural mood stabiliser which comes in pretty handy when you’re mental and prone to being ‘a bit all over the place’

Perhaps you will have noticed that I’ve had several of my little thinks over the past week or so. I think my favourite bit about recovery is finally having the freedom to think about things without fear that I’m going to think myself to the edge of a cliff. I’m starting to figure things out – like who I’ve been and who I am and who I want to be.

I’m also starting to really understand what went wrong between Mr Friendly and I and have accepted that he didn’t make me any more happy than I made him but that I was too scared to admit that on account of black and white thinking and a strong emotional attachment. I also realise that an awful lot of that feeling small and insignificant thing I do lies firmly at the door of our relationship, because it wasn’t a relationship that made me feel valued, or loved, or remotely attractive. I think my brief encounter with Mr Smiley reminded me that there are all kinds of other guys out there, and all kinds of other relationships and it isn’t worth having a relationship that makes you feel the way I used to feel about myself.

I’ve also been having a rethink about online dating because I worked something out. I worked out what I’m looking for and what I’m looking for isn’t just someone to share my life with, or someone who will hold my hand and make me think I never want them to let go or even somebody who will have the patience to get to know me slowly and surely. What I really want is to meet my best friend and then fall in love with him in the fullness of time. And that realisation changes the way I go about things.

Anyway – that’s no matter. My lovely friend Mrs Sparkle is here again, because we had such a lovely girly Saturday last week that we decided to do it again. We have a lot of things to gossip about including:

  • Whether WeeGee dares to phone Mr I’m Quite Handsome and ask if he’d like to update her on the web portal over a glass of wine
  • Whether WeeGee can really go on a date with a guy who is younger than her brother who she refers to as her ‘little’ brother
  • Whether it is a good idea for WeeGee to go on a date with a psychologist who specialises in eating disorders

I know I moaned on about watching X Factor last week, but I’m looking forward to it tonight because it’s quite entertaining poking fun at Mrs Sparkle who is simultaneously cool enough to list stiff little fingers as her favourite band and tragic enough to be a little bit in love with James Arthur.

Meanwhile in other news, I have spent the last two months perfecting a risotto recipe but what’s the betting I don’t do it perfectly when I try to cook it for someone else? Nothing else to report today save that WeeGee is all back and bouncy and excitable again.

Lots of love, WeeGeeeeeeeee xxxx