Jitters

Down but not out

Since last I wrote I have mostly been being down but not out. Truth told there is one hell of a ginourmous mess going on in my head. My brain is loud, and chaotic and out of control, but somehow, I’m still managing to put one foot in front of the other, because that’s what the WeeGee does when the chips are down….

Everything really ought to be fine and dandy but perhaps the fact that I know that is the biggest frustration of all. Instead of planning, and hoping, and getting super excited about our shiny new flat I wake up in the morning with that huge ‘NO’ surrounding me. My thoughts flutter around in my head, resting on one thing, and then the other, and then another thing entirely. I can’t seem to make them settle on one thing for long enough to do the slightest thing about any of it. It – if IT’S not one thing IT’s another thing.

One thing is what happens in my head when the big guy doesn’t play fair with the little guy, when someone says one thing and does another, when people hide behind the men in suits. In short, it’s what happens when there is an injustice of one sort or another. I’m facing a choice – do I take on the big guy, even though I am the little guy, and even though this particular little guy isn’t exactly the most adept at dealing with the kinds of stresses the fight is likely to bring with it? Which is really just to say do I stand up and insist that I’m right, and that they’re wrong because that’s what I believe you ought to do OR do I take care of my mental health at all costs because that’s also what I also believe I ought to do.

As you can see, I’ve thought my way into an impossible conundrum there.

Another thing is what happens in my head when a political party comprising entirely of idiots, racists, sexists, homophobes and every other kind of unpleasantness is somehow and suddenly viewed as a mainstream political party on the country I live in. It bothers me. And I mean it really bothers me that we’ve somehow come to the position that significant portions of my compatriots think it’s okay to say they’d prefer not to live next to a ‘migrant’ family. It’s under my skin and it’s making me dismayed and angry and hopeless. Mr Awesome Thing Number Five thinks I’m stressing myself out about nothing. And who knows, maybe he’s right. Or maybe I’m right because you have to care, and you have to stand up to it. UKIP stand against EVERYTHING I believe in. I can’t ignore it, but I can’t think of anything sensible to do about it.

That there is impossible conundrum number two.

Yet another thing is the absolute chaos that is my living room at the present time. I’d post a picture but I can’t bring myself to acknowledge it. Now – on the one hand it’s an inevitability that there will be a certain amount of chaos when you’re moving house but on the other hand I can’t seem to find a way to deal with chaos. When things are messy my brain gets messy and when my brain gets messy it starts to think about giving up on me. I’m managing to keep myself out of the pit, but it sure does feel inviting. I could pull the covers up over my head and hide from the world in a heart beat but I’ve got stuff to do and I’ve got my regular life to go about living and I know only too well that once you’re in the pit you have to stay there for a very long time.

It all feels a bit doomy and gloomy doesn’t it? That’s just the way my brain works. Some days are better than others, and I know that all I really need to do is put one foot in front of the other and hold on tight for the better days. I know that they always come, eventually, in their own good time. I know that I want to be ready for them when they do.

Most of all I know that at some point in the future I’ll read this post and wonder what all the fuss was about. This is how I feel today, these are the things that matter now, but the future isn’t very far away at all and in the future feelings are different and things have moved on. I can’t help thinking that the future isn’t anything more than the past that happened yet which means you’ll survive the future, because you’ve always managed to survive the past.

Nothing else to report today save that I love you all lots and lots like jelly tots and flower pots.

WeeGee xoxox

 

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Boo fucking hoo

I’m just going to have to face up to it. You know that birthday post I’ve been promising? Well I’m afraid it isn’t going to happen. The birthday in itself was completely AWESOME, full of Mr Awesome Thing Number Five, and a sleepy little English town, and feeding baby penguins which shat in my shoe, and a visit from my parents and…… AWESOME birthday. The thing is, my birthday was a long time ago, and since then I’ve been feeling ALL OF THE FEELINGS and the recent past isn’t really something that I feel much like blogging about because I’m a bit lost in the here and now, which – let’s be honest – is a little better that being lost in the then and gone or the still to come and unknown. Am I sounding a little manic to you? I’m feeling a little turbo charged so I wouldn’t be surprised…..

I woke up this morning feeling a little bit disjointed, you know? Like my brain wasn’t attached to my body anymore. I used to get that all the time – that feeling that my brain was a completely separate entity from ‘me’. Experiencing it now, for the first time in a while, I’m struck by how little sense it makes. I’m inextricably connected to my brain so how come it sometimes feels so ‘other’ every once in a while? The answer used to be ALIEN but that feels a bit unsatisfactory today. I believe myself to be lots of things but I don’t really believe myself to be an alien. I mean, it would be convenient, and it would explain an awful lot but being an alien would surely throw up even more questions than answers so it can’t possibly be the answer. Then again maybe I need to work through all of the questions and maybe being an alien isn’t as daft as it first sounds.

Still a bit turbo charged but not exactly AWESOME here. Alien brain strikes again?

I know that I’m not AWESOME because I don’t want to talk to most people. I don’t mind talking to some people but when I’m AWESOME I want to talk to everybody and as far as I’m concerned everybody can fuck right off. I can’t figure myself out right now so other people are a HUGE step too far. World. Shut. Your. Mouth.

I’ve written this post as it comes to me – stream of consciousness style. I’m just glad Mr Clever doesn’t get to read what I have to say here because I fear I’d wind up in trouble…..
WeeGee is not a happy WeeGee. Not at all. The brain is all broken and I’m a little bit angry and a little bit STOP because I’ve had enough…… Time for a song:

Booooo.

Love you lots like lovely jelly tots xxx

Birthday blues

Before I get to today’s update I have a couple of those points of order that pop up every so often to take care of…..

Point of order number one: I officially suck at reading blogs at the moment and I’m sorry about that. I love you all lots, and I miss you more, but my time is all filled up with grown up ‘need to do’ stuff and reading your blogs has fallen down towards the bottom of the pile. I promise I’ll be back shortly but in the meantime will you forgive me?

Point of order number two: Does everybody know that ‘How do you eat an elephant?’ has a Facebook page? No? Well it does. You can find it here:

https://www.facebook.com/HungryElephant

I’m one follower short of 30, and apparently when you get to 30 magic things start happening…… Go on – it will surely improve your life ☺

The End of the point of order section.

Since I last blogged I’ve been a busy little WeeGee. I’ve been getting myself all sorted out, and organised and back on track. I’ve also been having one of my (fairly extended) little thinks. After all, what would the WeeGee be without one of her little thinks?

In five days time I’m going to be having a birthday. Having a birthday shouldn’t be a big deal because everybody has one, like once a year and stuff, but it feels like a pretty big deal to me right now. I spent my last birthday hiding in my little hidey hole*, pacing about, and being TOTALLY MENTAL before doing myself a small mischief and presenting myself at A&E because I didn’t have anywhere else to go. It was whatever the opposite of tremendous fun is.

Birthdays bring out The Dreaded Jitters in me. I don’t really know why, except that maybe it’s the one day of the year when people seem to want you to be the centre of attention which actually only really means that they want you to be ‘happy’ even if you don’t feel much like being happy. Maybe I don’t like the ‘expectations’ that are associated with birthdays? Maybe I’ve had enough miserable birthdays to last me a lifetime? Maybe this is just WeeGee being an idiot and it’s about time she POKED HERSELF IN THE EYE?

If I shut out the anxiety** my upcoming birthday is looking pretty peachy. I’ve got a few days away with Mr Awesome Thing Number Five to look forward to. AND I’m going to spend a morning feeding some penguins***. AND mum and dad are coming to visit. AND I’m off work. AND I’ve got a very exciting new birthday handbag.

It’s all a bit ‘what’s not to like’ and I really wish I could shake this weird ‘I don’t like birthdays because they make me a bit mental’ thing. But hey – you know me and my brain. It doesn’t always make sense…..

Aside from all that WeeGee is doing pretty good. I’ve got a fantabulous ‘how far I’ve come’ post lined up for you but I’m going to take my time writing it because it’s an important one.

Meanwhile in other news here’s a lovely little Frank Turner song for you. I might have shared it before but what’s a bit of repetition amongst friends?

Nothing else to report today save that I love you all loads and loads like……. Roman roads???

WeeGee xoxox

*Rhio – TOTALLY tongue in cheek xoxox
** Just like that!
***Which is AS COOL AS PENGUINS

In which WeeGee has a small wobble

Yesterday I was having one of my little thinks about some stuff that I didn’t want to talk about. Unfortunately my little think didn’t turn out so well in the end and today I am mostly having a huge crisis of faith. Sigh…..

In some ways I feel more like myself than I have for a very long time, but at the same time I’m beginning to wonder if you can actually know who you are if you’ve spent the last two years of your life hiding from the world and wishing, more than anything, that you could will yourself to die in the night. I keep thinking about all the time I’ve lost – the time that I’ve filled up with nothing; the time that everybody else filled up with lots of different somethings and I end up feeling all small and insignificant again.

I suppose this is just WeeGee getting a bit scared because a second date feels like a fairly big deal in her book. It’s probably little more than a natural crisis of faith and I’ll get myself through it and then wonder what all of the fuss was about. I think maybe I’m feeling a bit overwhelmed, not by Mr Smiley but by the way that I feel about Mr Smiley and all the other stuff that I’m feeling and trying to make sense of.

When I’m overwhelmed I hide, and I don’t want to hide – not now. So I’m posting this one for the sake of posterity and as a little public promise to myself: WeeGee will not go into hiding, and will not feel small and insignificant, and will definitely go to dinner later and will almost certainly have a perfectly super time.

Wish me luck

Lots of love from a slightly wobbly WeeGee xxxxxx

The hardest word

First of all I CANNOT BELIEVE that I have used an Elton John reference as the title of a post on How do you eat an elephant? It’s okay though, you can rest assured that you shall find no YouTube clip below……

I recently had cause to apologise to somebody because something I did hurt their feelings. I didn’t mean to hurt their feelings and I didn’t like doing it at all but I have learned that sometimes hurting people is inevitable. The thing about feelings is that they change and sometimes they change in ways that other people didn’t want them to and that, I guess, is when people start getting hurt. Anyway – I hurt somebody’s feelings and tried my best to tell them how sorry I was but they didn’t want to hear about how sorry I was and that made me sad. It also made me realise that ‘sorry’ isn’t the hardest word of all because the hardest word for a lot of people seems to be ‘forgive’ I spend a fair bit of my time thinking about forgiveness. Mr Wise thinks I forgive too easily and it gets me into trouble – maybe he’s right but to me forgiving people too easily is a bit like ‘being too kind’. I’m not entirely convinced that it’s a problem.

I should mention that I’m having a really rotten time of it at work at the moment. There’s a lot of ‘stuff’ going on and bombs keep exploding and everybody is so scared of Mrs Scary New Boss Lady that they’re convinced they’re going to get the sack every time a bomb goes off. Yesterday’s bomb had my name written all over it, which was unfortunate, because I was also partly responsible for Monday’s bit of a disaster. I appear not to have received my P45 today which is a good thing but it’s still slightly stressful. Whilst I’m on the subject I’ve got a top tip for you:

WeeGee’s tip of the day: If somebody tells you they have definitely done something that you suspect they might not have done…. Don’t take their word for it.

I’m beginning to wonder if I went back to work too soon. I suppose there is the argument that I’m just taking on too much at work, but I don’t have much of a say in my workload (owing to Mrs Scary New Boss Lady). This makes me think that the job I’m doing is not the right job for me which makes me very sad indeed because when it’s not all stressful and explosive I love my job and the people I work with. It also makes me scared because I’m not sure what I would actually do if I stopped doing what I do at the moment.

Anyway, today is rubbish because I feel guilty and work is stressful and because I’ve got a hole in my shoe. However, I am very definitely hanging on in there because life is good and  I have things to look forward to and  tomorrow will come around. And because I won’t always have a hole in my shoe…..

Lots of love from WeeGee xxxx

I love my kettle

I came to the conclusion that I had to speak to somebody about being all bouncy and enthusiastic after the following occurred:

WeeGee wakes up early and thinks I LOVE waking up early

WeeGee looks in the mirror and thinks I LOVE my  haircut

WeeGee picks Gryff up and thinks I LOVE Gryff

WeeGee turns the radio on and thinks I LOVE this song

WeeGee switches the kettle on and thinks…… I LOVE MY KETTLE.

I mean, don’t get me wrong, it’s a nice enough kettle, but that’s really not the point.

I’m fairly confident that the flat and empties are on their way out of my life for a little while which means that the chemicals in my brain are swimming around in the right places in the right quantities. That’s the good part. The bad part is that my brain has been flat and empty for more than two years now and it doesn’t really know what’s hit it. In response broken brain has decided that it’s invincible and that it LOVES everything which is a) exhausting and b) a bit dangerous. It’s dangerous because the last time my brain was like that I did a number of monumentally stupid things, the consequences of which I’m still dealing with now.

I spoke to Mr Wise about what was going on, on account of him being all wise about matters concerning WeeGee’s wonky brain. Here’s what we decided:

 

  • I’m a little bit over excited and suggestible at the moment
  • I’m aware that I’m a little bit over excited and suggestible at the moment
  • The fact that I’m aware that I’m a little bit over excited and suggestible at the moment is a good thing because it means I’ve got the wherewithal to know that buying a brand new Audi on Hire Purchase probably isn’t a good idea right now

Actually here’s another thing I know – being a bit excited at the moment isn’t an entirely bad thing because it is partly in response to exciting things happening. That’s perfectly normal – my only difficulty is that the mentals are magnifying things a little bit.

Finally here’s the most important thing I know – eventually all this bounding around filled full of enthusiasm is going to settle down and that’s going to mean that I’m getting towards the end of the road to recovery. My aim for the time between now and settling down is to make sure that I don’t do anything monumentally stupid and (go me) I have a little plan.

Here’s what WeeGee is going to do:

  • Continue to take her meds until such a time that Mr Clever says otherwise
  • Contact Mr Clever’s office if she thinks she’s going to rate a day as better than ten out of ten
  • Consult with Mr Wise before making any purchases or financial decisions
  • Avoid alcohol completely
  • Be careful with caffeine and sugar
  • Not get a tattoo
  • Not dye her hair any colour but especially not a colour involving the word neon
  • Not buy a brand new Audi* on Hire Purchase

Anyway – I’m feeling rather pleased with myself at the moment because I saw something coming down the tracks and I didn’t wait to see what happened when it hit me – I had a bit of insight and took some positive action and you can’t say fairer than that

Lots of love, hugs and bouncing around from WeeGee xxxxx

*I don’t know where the obsession with owning an Audi comes from because a) I don’t care about cars and b) I can’t drive……

Sore head

 

I thought it was probably time for a little update. So here’s a little update….

I injured myself quite badly on Saturday morning. There I was, sleeping away, when I decided to semi-wake-up and smack my head off the corner of my bedside table. It was quite gruesome actually – I left skin behind on the furniture and gave myself a nice shiny black eye. What tremendous fun I have.

Any way several hours and a few stitches later I went out for dinner. You know, as in ME in the OUTSIDE WORLD for dinner WITH FRIENDS AND STUFF. Even though I had an injury (and a pretty bad headache). Go me……

So that was yesterday. It didn’t go according to plan and I reckon I’ll be able to add yet another impressive scar to the existing bus related scar on my face. WeeGee: ScarFace…..*

Today I have mostly spent my time being a domestic goddess. I cleaned the flat until it sparkled, made roast onion soup, pickled some shallots, made a rather lovely malted chocolate cheesecake, and roasted some chicken with garlic and thyme. One of these days I’m going to make some lucky bugger a fantastic wife.

I’ve several white coat type appointments coming up tomorrow. I’ve got the GP and the psychiatrist and FINALLY the psychologist for a spot of CBT. I’m also getting my hair cut. Add up all of those appointments and you have a nightmare-anxiety-i’d-rather-die-kinda-day on the horizon. Big Boooo. Oh and boo hoo.

Meanwhile in other news I am completely over excited about the return of Dexter TONIGHT. Nothing else to report save that my head still hurts and I wish that tomorrow was over and done with.

Night night lovely folks, WeeGee xxxx

 

 

 

*But MUCH  prettier than that makes me sound

 

 

 

Mardy bum

 

I’m having a bit of a mardy* today. I was all set to be looking forward to it, in a funny kind of way, but then by brain took umbrage and delivered a migraine so now….. well so now I’m having a mardy. I’m having a mardy because I was supposed to be helping the lovely Depressed Moose out, but in the end I was too busy vomiting and seeing a kaleidoscope of colours to even leave the house.

It has taken me four attempts to get out of bed today, and although I feel a little better I still feel like I have a head stuffed full of cotton wool. In fairness, I ought to be grateful for having a brain stuffed full of anything – cotton wool is a marked improvement on the flat and empties after all – but all I really want is to have a normal brain free from mental attacks and stinking migraines and nonsense.

Sometimes you think ‘okay, I’ve done my time – now leave me the hell alone’ don’t you?

I know exactly what the matter with me is at the moment. I’m STRESSED OUT. I know I’m STRESSED OUT because I got a migraine and my psoriasis has GONE NUCLEAR. I also know I’m stressed out because it is the 13th September which is almost the 19th September which is the day that my life falls apart. It’s a tradition. If something bad is going to happen, that’s the date it will happen. You couldn’t make up the list of tragedies and disasters that have struck on the 19th September in WeeGee land. It’s almost enough to make you believe in fate or something……

Mrs Mountain is of the opinion that I store up bad news for the 19th September. That once upon a time it all went wrong on that day and now I attach too much significance to it, so I’m on the lookout for shitty things. Or that on that date mildly shitty things will feel majorly shitty just by association. I kinda want that to be true, but I also kinda don’t think it is.

Pfft. Roll on October is all I’ve got to say.

Lots of love from a very mardy WeeGee xx

 

*Just in case you aren’t from Nott’m, Derby or Sheffield here’s what mardy means

 

Hmmm, where to start?

I don’t know where to start today so I thought I might as well start by telling you that I don’t know where to start to see if that gets me on my way……

Erm.

Right.

Okay.

I still don’t know where to start.

*sigh*

I’m a bit wobbly today. There you go. That’s a start.

I’m feeling jittery and panicked and I can’t catch hold of a single one of the three squillion thoughts that are flying around in my head. That’s the middle.

Language has left me and I can’t write a post today. That’s the end.

Still – I get a new start tomorrow right? That’s the beauty of it

Lots of love WeeGee  xxx

Learning lessons

Where to begin? I suppose I should start with the story of the last few days which can be summarised thusly: ‘the good, the bad, and the downright shitty’. As I write I am somewhere between bad and downright shitty which although not ideal is a whole lot more ideal than just plain downright shitty….

I’m currently signed off from work owing to the downright shittiness that descended on Sunday morning. Being off work is an unusual state of affairs for me and I’m not entirely sure how I feel about it. All I know is that I got to Monday morning (somehow) and it became blindingly obvious to me that I couldn’t carry on going on the way I was going on. My GP and my employer agreed.

Thankfully, it’s a short term ‘rest’ rather than long term sickness. I think a period of long term sickness would drive me mad (ho ho). I’m expected and expecting to be fit to return to work next Tuesday on a ‘phased return’, which would probably be a bit extreme were it not for the extent of the downright shittiness that has been upon me. By the way I’m not going to tell you about the downright shittiness – I’m hoping you will take my word for it: it was DOWNRIGHT SHITTY SHITTINESS for a little while there.

It’s tough enough for anyone to admit that they aren’t coping, but I manage to make it double difficult on myself, because coping is the only thing I do well: whatever the horror in my head, however low I go I make it my priority to function because I don’t want to let people down. I don’t want people to make allowances, or worry about me, or (to be honest) know how bad things have really got for me.

Trouble is that’s pretty much the same as pretending and you can only play make believe with your broken brain for so long….

In the end, for me it came down to a simple choice. Take a break, and go back to work in stages or find myself being a gibbering wreck, probably in hospital and definitely unable to work for a considerable amount of time. As tough as it’s been to say ‘Help!’ and ‘I need to stop’, I feel like I’m doing the right thing and taking care of myself (possibly for the first time in my life)

So I finally said it – in no uncertain terms: things are bad and I can’t cope. Truth told, I already feel like I’m coping better just for having said it. I don’t have to be ‘strong’ all of the time or rather perhaps I’ve misunderstood ‘strength’. I suppose you could call it a lesson well learned.

Lots of love,

WeeGee xx