Share your world week 34…..

Without further ado, here’s my contribution to Cee’s Share Your World Challenge for week 34…..

Was school easy or difficult for you? How so?

I wouldn’t go quite so far as to say that my school days were the best of my life, but I liked them well enough. I was fairly bright, I did well academically, my friends were a pretty cool bunch and I was reasonably popular. So yeah – school was easy and I did well. Whichever way I look at it, I was lucky because school opened doors for me and, in one way or another, got me to where I’ve gotten to so far.

Me (far right, for the only time in my life) and my school pals

Me (far right, for the only time in my life) and my school pals – on the last day of school.

By the time I got to university I was really struggling with what was happening in my head and I hadn’t quite figured out how to get the support I needed – most of my darkest days happened between 1997 and 2000. That said, I still loved learning and again, I was lucky enough to have awesome friends in my life.

Some kind of shenanigans with the University folks. I'm second on the left.....

Some kind of shenanigans with the University folks. I’m second on the left…..

My undergraduate degree was difficult but I pulled myself through with an awful lot of help from my friends and family. I left university with a good honours degree DESPITE being well and truly bonkers for the duration of my studies and I’m proud of that.

I went on to get my masters degree and another undergraduate degree into the bargain so, safe to say, I like learning…..

What is your favourite animal?

You’d be forgiven for thinking that my favourite animal is a penguin because I do so love them. My mild obsession with penguins started with the book ‘Death and the penguin’ (I can’t recommend it highly enough) and just sort of spiralled in that uncontrollable way that all mild obsessions do. Here I am feeding some baby penguins:

Penguins 1

Me. And some hungry baby penguins.

One of them shat in my shoe and it hardly grossed me out at all. THAT’S how much I love penguins.

Nevertheless, no matter how much I love penguins I will never love them more than I love this not particularly little guy:

Gryff 8

Gryff: the best cat in the world

Gryff is the apple of my eye, and the love of my life and a VERY NAUGHTY CAT. But of course, that’s half the charm…..

If you had to have your vision corrected would you rather have glasses or contacts?

I’m extremely short sighted and I’ve been wearing glasses since I was fifteen years old. Every so often I come over a bit vain and decide I’m going to switch to contacts but I feel slightly naked without my glasses now. They’re pretty much a part of my face……

Name at least five TV shows, past or present, you enjoyed

I chose ten – WeeGee’s top ten ‘TV box sets that will change your life for the better’. I’ve listed them in no particular order, apart from the first one which is the BEST piece of television ever made and is therefore deliberately at number one:

  1. Breaking Bad (see above)
  2. House (I resisted watching this and then I started and I COULDN’T STOP)
  3. Monk (This has a special place in my heart)
  4. Dexter (Don’t bother watching the last episode. Your imagination can do a better ending)
  5. True detective (The good one. Otherwise known as the first one)
  6. Orange is the new black (and not just because I am a little bit in love with Ruby Rose)
  7. The Walking Dead (because ZOMBIES and because…. Just because)
  8. House of cards (The original BBC one is just as awesome as the Kevin Spacey one)
  9. Jonathan Creek (and not just because I am a little bit in love with Alan Davies)
  10. The thick of it (Never gets old)

What are you grateful for from the past week and what are you looking forward to in the week coming up?

This past week I have been grateful for my friends, family, and of course, Mr Awesome Thing Number Five who fits in to both categories. I’m looking forward to the Bank Holiday next week, because what’s not to like about Bank Holidays? Plus it gives me a perfect excuse for this:

That’s all from me.

Love you all lots like Jelly Tots,

WeeGee xoxox

Walking the fine line

Since last I wrote I have mostly been being angry. I don’t know why I’ve been being angry; it was just one of those feelings that came along without warning and made a nuisance of itself for a few days.

Anger is probably my least favourite of all the feelings because I don’t know what to do with it – it just sits there in my chest and throbs against my rib cage and makes me wish there was a way to smash the whole world up because, for example, there is an annoying person on Bargain Hunt and I CAN’T COPE with how ANGRY it’s making me….

Apart from being furiously angry with nothing and no-one in particular, all is well here in WeeGee land. I suppose I’m feeling a little more solitary than usual but I think that’s okay because sometimes I need to spend time alone with my thoughts and I can do that without coming over all bonkers.

To be honest, I feel like I’m learning a lot about the fine line between a symptom of poor mental health and a character trait that is perfectly ‘normal’ if not universally popular recently. As soon as my mood, or my feelings or my behaviour veer slightly from the antidepressant fuelled middle ground there’s a tendency towards panic because what if WeeGee is going off her rocker again? Thing is, I’m not going off my rocker – I’m just feeling angry and a bit anti social and before you ask YES I AM STILL TAKING MY MEDS.

Meanwhile in other news I’m on the hunt for my next box set obsession if anyone has any ideas? It’ll have to be a REALLY good one because the last one was quite possibly my biggest obsession yet. Nothing else to report save that the Great Richmond Court Recycling Controversy of 2015 is really starting to hot up and I might even be forced to WRITE TO THE COUNCIL about it….. Anyhooo, here’s a wee song for old times sake:

Hope you’re all super-duper great.

Love you lots like jelly tots,

WeeGee xoxox

It’s still raining in England (Share your world week 33)

Since last I wrote I have mostly been being fine, thank you very much. If I had a complaint it would be with the weather but, like all good Brits, I know that complaining about the weather is an activity reserved solely for passing the time of day with people you’d rather not be passing the time of day with. And you guys definitely don’t fit into that category…

Anyhoo…. it’s week thirty three of Cee’s share your world challenge thingymadoodle which is why I’m here, so let’s go!

  1. What are some words that make you smile?

I’m something of a logophile: I love words for the way they sound and the way they feel and of course, for what they mean. Lots of my favourite words make me smile, including these ones:

words

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Sunday started with a bit of a KERFUFFLE (I can’t imagine what the neighbours made of the HULLABALOO) because he didn’t even have the GUMPTION to bring me a cup of tea. I kid you not: the RUDDERLESS SKINNYMALINK had the cheek to wake me up at 7am on a Sunday without so much as a by your leave or, more to the point, a cup of tea. I called him a SCUNNER and worse besides and, get this, he had the brass neck to take UMBRAGE and call me a CANTANKEROUS old COWBAG. I’m willing to concede that I was INCANDESCENT with rage but who wouldn’t come over a bit BILIOUS if an IDIOT-FACE-FEATURES who didn’t even have the good grace to arrive with tea woke them up at 7am on a Sunday morning?!

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Before you ask, yes. That is based on a true story……

  1. You’re given $500,000 tax-free. What would you spend it on?

By my reckoning $500,000 works out at around 320,000 of our Great British Pounds, which isn’t quite enough to buy a modest three-bed family home (with a garden I can grow roses in) here in the South East of England.

Thusly, since I wouldn’t be able to do the sensible thing with the money, I’d be forced to blow the lot on sex, drugs and rock n roll. Or maybe just loads of really nice speciality tea.

Rock and roll

  1. Would you rather be stuck in a small plane with bad turbulence for two hours or be a passenger in a car racing in the Daytona 500?

I have to confess that I have no idea what the Daytona 500 is. I could Google it and find out, but it has something to do with dudes driving fast cars, and I really truly couldn’t care less if I tried. Therefore by default I’d plump for the two hours of feeling nauseous and concerned for my life….. On the upside I could be in Lisbon in two hours and it might not be raining there.

  1. What are you grateful for from the past week and what are you looking forward to in the week coming up?

This week I have been particularly grateful for my umbrella and I’m looking forward to the sun coming back out next week.

That’s all from me folks.

Love you all lots like Jelly Tots,

WeeGee xoxox

WeeGee’s no nonsense guide to surviving a serious case of the doomy gloomies

The important bit at the beginning

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First thing’s first – you need to know that this post makes a (tongue in cheek) mention of suicide and suicidal thoughts. Please be aware of the subject matter and proceed with a level of caution appropriate to your state of mind.

If you need help with thoughts that put you at risk of harm please get in touch with someone. ANYONE will do, but contacting the Samaritans is as good a place as any to start.

The end of the important bit at the beginning.

 —–

This post began life as an on-going conversation with my psychotherapist, Mrs Mountain. I have fortnightly appointments with Mrs Mountain* and we talk about all the mental things that live in my head so I can figure out how best to live alongside them. For the past few months we’ve talked a lot about reducing the impact of any future ‘bad patches’ on my life, or in other words, we’ve been making a grand plan for the next time WeeGee goes bananas. It looks a bit like this:

WeeGee’s no nonsense guide to surviving a serious case of the doomy gloomies

  1. Don’t kill yourself

It has been scientifically proven that killing yourself dramatically reduces your chances of surviving, ergo, if you hope to survive a serious case of the doomy gloomies it is VERY IMPORTANT that you don’t kill yourself. The best way to avoid killing yourself is to NEVER, EVER try to kill yourself: no matter what your broken brain is telling you, no matter how easy it seems, no matter how desperate you feel.

The simple fact of the matter is that you will NOT feel like killing yourself forever, because the feeling you have is like all of the other feelings you’ve ever had: temporary. Being dead, on the other hand, is not temporary at all – in fact, being dead is just about as permanent as it gets.

The doomy gloomies suck, for sure, but being dead is WAY suckier and, unlike the doomy gloomies, being dead won’t go away.

Don't kill yourself

  1. Don’t buy an Audi on hire purchase

Make no mistake about it: the doomy gloomies will fill your head full of nonsensical nonsense. And this nonsensical nonsense will make buying a brand new Audi on hire purchase – or giving your worldly possessions to a cat shelter; or running away to the circus; or embarking on a single-handed round the world trip in a homemade cardboard canoe – seem like a great idea.

Of course any one, or indeed all of these ideas may be COMPLETELY AWESOME, but while you’ve got a serious case of the doomy gloomies it really is best if you get a second opinion before you make any big decisions about your life.

You’ll have to live with your decisions long after the mental has left the building and it’ll be tough enough to put your life back together without having to worry about finding new homes for the 32 baby penguins you adopted because you thought they would take your mind off things.

bad decsion 1

  1. Don’t stick your head in a giant vat of red wine

Sorrows float, or in other words, you CANNOT drown a serious case of the doomy gloomies in gin and tonic.

Self-medicating is tempting and, for a little while, alcohol may well help you forget about the horror living in your head; it may even make you feel better for a time. The trouble is, any relief you get will be short lived because of that thing about sorrows floating. Add to that the impact that alcohol has on all kinds of important things like sleep, and appetite, and general state of mind and it doesn’t take much working out that far from helping with a serious case of the doomy gloomies, sticking your head in a giant vat of red wine is only going to make matters one hell of a lot worse in both the medium and longer term.

drunk 1

  1. You think therefore you’re mental

Whenever I get a serious case of the doomy gloomies I find myself wishing that I could find a way to make my brain stop. The doomy gloomy thoughts never stop, they just seem to rattle round getting louder, and more intrusive, and more distressing until it feels like they are going to explode out of my ears and into the atmosphere.

Needless to say, I’ve spent a long time searching for the elusive pause button but if I’m completely honest I don’t think it exists and since you can’t stop the thoughts the only thing for it is DISTRACTION.

There are all kinds of ways to distract yourself: I once spent an afternoon marching round my flat singing “I can do this, YES I CAN” to the tune of Bob the Builder and it worked a treat because I managed to not jump out the window.

It doesn’t really matter how you distract yourself, but when the thoughts start taking over it’s really important that you do SOMETHING:

  • Make a cup of tea
  • Take a shower
  • Watch TV (quiz shows are particularly good because they make you think about something different)
  • Clear out your wardrobe
  • Walk around the block
  • March around your flat singing “I can do this, YES I CAN” to the tune of Bob the Builder.

thinking

  1. It’s good to talk

Tell someone you are in the midst of a really serious case of the doomy gloomies because it shouldn’t be a secret, and because they might have something sensible to say, and because – despite what your brain is telling you – YOU DON’T NEED TO BE ALONE WITH THE DOOMY GLOOMIES.

If you only do one thing: tell someone about it because, after all, it’s good to talk.

not alone

  1. Look after your life

Of all the lessons I’ve learned about surviving a serious case of the doomy gloomies this one is by far the most valuable:

Keep on doing all the right things, even if it doesn’t feel like doing all the right things is helping, because eventually all the right things WILL come together and help.

As a bare minimum surviving a serious case of the doomy gloomies means:

  • Keeping yourself nourished: you feel doubly mental when you’re hungry.
  • Getting enough rest: the doomy gloomies are exhausting so give yourself a chance
  • Taking basic care of yourself: showers, fresh air and exercise KICK DOOMY GLOOMIES IN THE GONADS.
  • Taking your prescription meds: White coat dudes know what they’re talking about
  • Keeping a roof over your head and paying the bills: because ADULT and because roofs are nice.

You need to take whatever energy you have and make sure these things keep happening. Trust me on this – make a checklist, take all day to do it, get help if you need to, but, no matter what you do, MAKE SURE THESE THINGS keep happening.

Do the right thing

  1. Start again tomorrow

Tomorrow always comes – it doesn’t always feel better, but it arrives without fail and it gives you a great big ginormous chance to start over again. Wherever the doomy gloomies took you today, draw a line under it and take your chance tomorrow. Start again, keep on keeping on, don’t give up and HOLD ON TIGHT. You’ve got a life time’s worth of tomorrows to play with and there’s NOTHING the doomy gloomies can do to change that

Tomorrow

Love you all lots like jelly tots,

WeeGee xoxox

*If you’re wondering how I swung that on the NHS I didn’t. But that’s a whole other story.

Do not adjust your set (Share your world 2015)

Hello, good evening and welcome to my cosy little corner of the Internet where it’s all sunshiny and sparkly and CAPITAL LETTER AWESOME.

Please don’t worry – your eyes do not deceive you and there is no need to adjust your set: it’s another WeeGee post already. What can I say? You spend months waiting for WeeGee to get around to writing a post and then two come along pretty much at once….

Since last I wrote I have mostly been doing grown up things like roasting gammon, and buying duct tape, and re-potting plants, and going to the bank and generally being out and about in the world playing at being an adult. I do a pretty good impression of one when I put my mind to it.

Bank adult

I’ve also been hatching plans to blog more often, because it’s something that I LOVE doing (or at least, something that I used to LOVE doing) and I’m putting a lot of my effort in to making sure that I’m using at least some of my time to do the things that I LOVE.

I expect it’ll take me a while to get back into the swing of this whole blogging thing again, so I thought one of those challenge thingymabobs might be a good way to get me going on my jolly little way.

I came across Cee’s Share Your World challenge by way of the super duper awesome Bipolarcalico and thought, ‘do you know what? I’m going to give this a bit of a whirl’

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Here’s me, giving it a WeeGee style whirl:

Are you a collector of anything?

I collect a great many things, some of them deliberately.

My largest collection of all is books mainly because I CANNOT STOP buying them. I’ve recently started a side line collection of antiquarian and ‘collectable’ books which is growing more quickly than I anticipated because I CANNOT STOP buying them either. Here are some of my treasured books:

Books

My smallest collection of all is art pottery – currently a handful of pieces, including a rather beautiful Poole Pottery vase:

Vase

My favourite collection of all is my collection of vintage jewellery. I tell myself purchasing vintage jewellery is an investment and that the pieces I buy are the antiques of the future. This may, or may not, be true.

Jewels 1

What is your biggest fear or phobia?

More than anything, I fear endings because they mostly break my heart (which makes me wonder if what I really fear is a broken heart……)

Do you prefer reading coffee table books (picture), biographies, fiction, non-fiction, educational?

I prefer reading to almost any other activity in the world and I read a fairly even mixture of fiction and non-fiction. I suppose if I was backed into a corner and forced to choose, the non-fiction would probably just edge the win. But I might answer differently if you asked me again tomorrow.

read all day

Complete this sentence: if I must be reincarnated, in the next life I want to be….

If I must be reincarnated, in the next life I want to be a penguin. Because PENGUINS.

Penguin

What are you grateful for from last week, and what are you looking forward to in the week coming up

Last week I was grateful for the book I’m reading: The Burley Cross postbox theft by Nicola Barker because it has taken me into a quirky little imaginary world and helped to keep the real one at bay.

Next week I’m looking forward to getting my hair cut because it’s beginning to take over my head and it’ll be nice to be able to see again.

Haircut needed

———

That was fun, wasn’t it?

Meanwhile in other news I’m seriously considering ordering me some cheese on toast by post because I NEED TO KNOW what turns up in the mailbox when you order cheese on toast by post. Nothing else to report save that I can’t help wondering WHAT(THE FUCK)EVER NEXT.

Love you all lots like Jelly Tots

WeeGee xoxox

Not dead yet

So…. safe to say it’s been a wee while: a fair few months since my last post, and a fair few more months since anything approaching regular blogging. I could try and explain where the silence came from but that would take a VERY long time and it isn’t particularly pertinent to anything I’m planning on writing about and, if the truth be told, the explanation would make for a REALLY boring blog post. As in EVEN MORE really boring than usual and nobody wants to read an EVEN MORE really boring blog post that usual so I vote we just draw a great big line under the silence and get on with it.

Blog two

Sorry. Here is the line:

_______________________________________________________________________________________

The last time I popped up I was all “boo hoo, I hate myself and I want a pie.” As I recall, it was a mood that lasted for a couple of days before being replaced by a spot of putting one foot in front of the other because, when it comes down to it, what else is there to do? Curling into a tiny quarter circle and pulling the covers up over your head until the world goes away doesn’t seem to work, and I can say that with some considerable authority…..

Blog three

Mentally I’m pretty good, you know, for a mental person. I take my meds every day, eat well, sleep when I’m supposed to and keep myself as grounded as I can. Sometimes my mood is low and sometimes my mood is high and I don’t always know what mood I’m going to get when I wake up in the morning, but – and this is the important bit – the moods don’t persist and my feelings aren’t the boss of me. This, I guess, is what you would describe as a ‘good patch’. I like it well enough and the white coat dudes seem happy enough with the state of affairs here in WeeGee land. AWESOME, huh?

Blog six

It wouldn’t be WeeGee land if the rug wasn’t pulled from under my feet every once in a while, and of course, there are still some things that I’m ‘working on’. I’m starting to work through all the shit on the shelves – the things that I shoved in boxes when I wasn’t well enough to deal with them. Little by little I’m figuring myself out.

My focus at the moment is on the way I use my time. I’m working hard to make sure that I do the things that I need to do as well as the things I want to do and I’m trying to get used to balancing that with the things that other people need and want me to do. Needless to say, it’s the whole balance thing that presents the greatest challenge, partly because I tend towards being a bit of a doormat, but also because of the whole ‘all or nothing’ thing I’ve got going on here. There’s a whole post in the ‘all or nothing’ thing which I fully intend to write at some point in the future, perhaps when I’ve started to understand the time I’ve got and the way I’m going to fill it. For now, I had a bit of time on my hands and I decided I wanted to write a post. So I just went ahead and used my time to write a post. Go me.

Anyhow – THIS IS WEEGEE LAND CALLING THE LAND OF BLOG. Is there anybody there? Are you all shiny, happy and super awesome? I really do hope so…..

I figured we might as well finish, in the time honoured tradition of WeeGee land, with a little SIR FRANK TURNER song. Because FRANK TURNER.

Love you all lots, like jelly tots,

WeeGee xoxox

Things not to do…..

I’ve learned an awful lot of valuable lessons in my time but none more valuable than the lesson I learned recently about not accidentally taking anti-histamine pills instead of broken brain meds for almost a week.

It’s an easy enough mistake to make, especially if you’ve got things on your mind and your focus is on keeping up the early morning routine that goes ‘open drawer, take meds, close drawer’. It’s also an incredibly stupid mistake to make not least because when you start getting mild withdrawal symptoms when you’ve got no reason to expect them it’s really rather easy to convince yourself that you are, for once and for all, going slowly but surely off your not-so-jolly little rocker.

Thankfully it’s an easy enough mistake to put right so my little rocker is starting to get back to its jolly self. That said, I’m trying to take myself with a ginormous pinch of salt at the moment, at least until the chemicals are back on an even keel.

Aside from the anti-histamine affair things are fairly standard here in WeeGee land. By and large I’m well by which I mean that even though I’m a little bit wobbly I’ve got no plans to jump off any tall things any time soon. One or two rugs have been yanked out from under my feet in the past month or so. On the one hand the fact that there are so many changes afoot feels like rough justice but on the other hand I know that change is inevitable. I also know that sometimes you don’t get to choose what the changes will be or when they’ll arrive. I’m doing my best to take everything in my stride….

That’s about it from me. This post wasn’t really about saying anything – I just wanted to take the time to write something. I guess I wanted to see how it felt to write again, and to figure out if there was still a space for me here, and to understand whether or not this was a routine I could get myself back in to. Needless to say, I don’t know the answer to any of those questions yet.

I hope you’re all doing well. I miss you all tonnes and of course – I love you all lots like jelly tots.

WeeGee xoxox

The ten commandments of cohabiting with a WeeGee

In honour of the one year anniversary of Mr Awesome Thing Number Five and I moving in together I give you:

THE TEN COMMANDMENTS OF COHABITING WITH A WEEGEE.

  1. Thou shalt respect the God of angles

The WeeGee is a particular creature in all matters but especially in relation to the positioning of inanimate objects – all such objects in the WeeGee’s natural habitat are placed carefully, sometimes parallel to others and sometimes slightly askew. There is a system governing the parallel/slightly askew positioning of inanimate objects known and understood by WeeGee and WeeGee alone.

The system must be respected at all times: if you choose to reposition inanimate objects you do so on pain of a ginormous and lengthy sulk.

Monk

  1. Thou shalt not eat breakfast cereal

The cohabiting WeeGee has made significant progress in managing her ‘noisy eating rage’. However, the noise associated with the consumption of breakfast cereal remains problematic. Breakfast cereal is therefore eaten in WeeGee’s presence at considerable risk to your own personal safety.

Cereal 2

  1. Thou shalt remain calm in the face of loss

The WeeGee will lose her phone/keys/purse on a near daily basis. Such losses will result in a period of frantic searching which will invariably conclude when WeeGee finds her phone/keys/purse in the very place she said it definitely wasn’t.

If the period of frantic searching has not concluded within five minutes it is your responsibility to concede that WeeGee has really lost her phone/keys/purse this time and join the search. Shortly thereafter you will find the lost phone/keys/purse in the very place WeeGee said it definitely wasn’t.

Keys

  1. Thou shalt not touch WeeGee’s feet. Ever.

Nothing makes the WeeGee more furious than a part of another person’s body touching her bare feet. In the interests of safety adequate precautions should therefore be taken if there is even the slightest possibility that you might make contact with the WeeGee’s bare feet. Adequate precautions include, but are not limited to, the wearing of protective garments designed to guard against a punch in the face.

Full body armour

  1. Thou shalt not wake a sleeping WeeGee.

Every effort should be taken not to disturb the sleeping WeeGee. In the event that a sleeping WeeGee is accidentally woken you should be prepared to hear an extremely wide variety of really bad swear words many of which you will not have heard before.

Unfortunately it will occasionally be necessary to deliberately wake the sleeping WeeGee. In this instance commandment five shall be amended to read ‘thou shalt not wake a sleeping WeeGee and expect her to be remotely civil about it’ (see above)

Waking up

  1. Thou shalt not expect to find things where you left them

The WeeGee is a stealth tidier-upper. Items left in the wrong place will be moved to the correct place immediately and without warning.

Note that your opinion on the ‘correct’ place for an item is entirely irrelevant. The WeeGee’s decision on where your personal belongings will be tidied up to is final and you shall have no right of appeal.

Tidy up

  1. Thou shalt not laugh at tears

The WeeGee is a highly sensitive creature prone to outbursts of uncontrollable crying. It is unusual for a warning to be given although really nice people winning television game shows and that happy-but-sad bit at the end of DIY SOS often precede outbursts of uncontrollable crying.

It is your responsibility not to laugh at these outbursts of uncontrollable crying, no matter how ridiculous. Note that you should never administer hugs if uncontrollable crying breaks out as the administration of hugs under such circumstances tends to lead to an outbreak of full-blown but equally uncontrollable sobbing. This is not in the interests of anyone, least of all yourself.

Sobbing

  1. Thou shalt provide socks

Quite what the WeeGee did for socks before she lived with you remains one of the great mysteries of life but the fact remains that the WeeGee will never have any socks and will expect to find a suitable pair in your drawer.

Thou shalt not get antsy when WeeGee wears your Thursday socks on a Sunday is a supplementary commandment that will help to avoid arguments and thus make life a little more tolerable for all concerned.

Socks

  1. Thou shalt be in charge of the cling film

The WeeGee is incapable of using cling film without a) embarking on a long, heartfelt and sweary rant about the bastard who invented it and b) losing the effing end of the useless bastard stuff. You shall therefore bear sole responsibility for all and any procedures which involve the use of cling-film.

Cling film

  1. Thou shalt not ask questions about Eastenders during Eastenders

If you would like to know what is happening in Eastenders you should watch it. If you do not want to watch Eastenders you should not ask the WeeGee questions about what is happening while she is trying to watch it.

If you do not want to watch Eastenders but insist on asking WeeGee questions about what is happening while she is trying to watch it the WeeGee will be deeply sarcastic and will also certainly not tell you what is happening in Eastenders because SHE IS TRYING TO WATCH IT.

Eastenders

Love you all lots, like Jelly Tots

WeeGee xoxox

Happily ever after

Although it probably seems otherwise to the untrained eye, I didn’t really stop blogging – I just stopped publishing my posts. I don’t exactly know why, by which I mean the hiatus was never intentional. For every single day where there was no post, my thoughts were full of How do you eat an elephant?

In many ways things have been exactly the same. I still spend my time filing my little notebook up with ideas, I still fall asleep turning the ideas over and over in my head, I still march through life trying to find the words that will make it make sense outside my head. In short, I’m still telling the story of myself to myself – day by day, week by week, and sometimes, of course, just hour by hour.

In other ways, things have been entirely different, not least because I’m well. I’m grounded, more interested than obsessed, capable of insight and, perhaps most importantly of all, happy and contented with the place in the world I’ve landed and the person I’ve managed to become. I know what my strengths are, and I recognise the things that hold me back. I’m prepared to say ‘no’, step back and take charge of things for myself. When there is pressure in my life its because I put it there – the agenda is entirely my own. I’m not selfish, but I’m not selfless either and I’m not ashamed to say that it’s taken me 35 years to figure out where that balance lies.

Since last I wrote, there has been life. I got engaged* and finally decided what my ‘career’ is all about. I started a new job, made new friends and made new promises to myself. There have been births and deaths, but no marriages. I’ve read one hell of a lot of books and rediscovered my passion for indie bands that nobody seems to have heard of. I’ve watched all four seasons of Game of Thrones, despite swearing I never would**. I’ve reached a point in my life where money doesn’t really matter and know how lucky that makes me. I’ve completed a crossword almost every day and decided that life is too short for suduko.

Its just life, and it marches on. I don’t dread it anymore.

My difficulties are ‘recurrent’*** and I won’t be well forever. I know that. I also know that my difficulties are not occurring at the moment and, if life is only a series of moments joined together to make a story, I’m going to make the most of the moment I’m in. Like I’ve always said, I love stories – with their beginnings, middles and endings – and the moments of calm you find in them.

I used to think it was all about happily ever after, that it would only be okay when it was okay forever. As for what I think now? I think its okay right now and I’m content with that.

Love you all lots, like jelly tots,

WeeGee xoxoxo

* I know, right?!

** High brow, it is not and misogyny it very definitely is. A right ripping yarn though….

***Grammatically, I think it should be ‘recurring’ but who am I to argue with the white coat people?

I don’t care

Since last I wrote I have mostly been being disassociated. That’s not necessarily the way I would describe it, but you know, sometimes you have to put your trust in the White Coat People because at least they’re trying to make you better.

If I had to choose a word, I’d be forced to break the rules and choose three because I DON’T CARE and that’s the only way I can think of to put it. Christmas: I DON’T CARE; new job: I DON’T CARE; my life is infinitely better than it ever has been*: I DON’T FUCKING CARE…… (granted, that’s four words)

All this not caring is difficult to explain. I can say the words and people seem to understand what I mean but I can’t seem to make them know how it feels. I can’t help thinking that I’m just supposed to shrug it off, that somehow what I’m feeling isn’t real or if it is real that it’s just something that everyone feels and that everyone somehow manages to get over. This is the news: I can’t get over it. Trust me. I’m trying.

I know that I’m going to get through this mostly, I guess, because I’ve got through it before. I also know that things aren’t nearly as bleak as I think they are because I’m still out there in the world putting one foot in front of the other. I suppose what I’m saying is that it doesn’t really matter whether I care or not – all the things that are going to be will be and I’ll be there and I might still feel the way I do now or I might feel a whole lot better.

The sun will rise, the tides will ebb and flow, life will go on, and things will be. It doesn’t matter whether they feel good, or bad, or indifferent – because sometimes just being is the best you can hope for. And the best you can hope for is very definitely enough.

I’m trying to set myself targets at the moment – nothing big of course because I DON’T CARE and because it’s important that I don’t ‘overwhelm myself’. Little by little, bite by bite and all that. I’m also trying to connect myself, or re-connect myself, with the things that I care about: books, politics, music, blogging…… Here we have a blog post which is a target met, a pat on the back, and another step forward. Whatever happens, I’m planning on taking another one every single day.

As is traditional I’ll leave you with a song, for the sake of fun, and for the sake of a smile, and for the sake of songs that lift your heart – because those are the songs that matter the most.

Love you all lots, like jelly tots,

WeeGee