There’s a science to walking through windows….

If I only do one useful thing today, I’m going to get something up on my blog. That’s what I told myself when I woke up this morning, and as far as things go, it seems pretty reasonable as a plan of action….. There are times in your life when you’re going to want to solve EVERYTHING right there and then. The trouble is that those are exactly the times in your life when you need to dig deep and remember that whole thing about eating the elephant bite by bite. Today is about writing things down. Tomorrow is about whatever comes next. 

It all started when I had to resign from my job. I get it – there ought to be a back story to go with that statement but the truth is that there isn’t one, or at least there isn’t a back story that’s going to bring anything meaningful to the narrative. Right now I’m less about narrative and all about meaning. I’ve come to a point in my life when I think there’s been too much story and too little meaning. 

So. I resigned from my job. I liked the job I resigned from because I was good at it and I thought things were going okay. I didn’t factor in that unknowable factor, you know the one from the 1970s, about whether YOUR FACE FITS. I’d never had a job that turned on whether your face fitted or not. I thought it was all about whether you were any good at what you did. I WAS WRONG. Sometimes fitting in is the most important thing you can do – I’ve learned what not fitting means. As if I didn’t know…..

I suppose that’s as much back story as I can give. 

I’m not a good person, I know that. 

People are presented with choices and some people choose one thing, and other people choose another but it isn’t the choices themselves that define us. I don’t think there’s a single difference between one human being and another apart from the way we reconcile our choices. What I’m driving at, I guess, is that there are two kinds of people. The people who can live with the choices they’ve made, and the people who can’t. 

Some people seem to be cut out for life. They know what to do, and what not to do. There are little things, life’s contingencies I suppose: some people know what to do with those things. I don’t know what to do. When my hopes and dreams turn to dust before my very eyes there is nowhere for me to go. I get bleak, and over awed, and defeated. I give up because I am not cut out for life.

Im not a good person, I know that. I’ve made the kind of mistakes that I can’t take back, even though I knew they were mistakes before I’d even made them. I’m not a good person, I know that because I didn’t stop to think whether the decisions I made were right or wrong. I’m not a good person because my hopes and dreams turned to dust, and I saw it happening, and I didn’t end up anywhere different…..

Once upon a time I wanted to be a good person. Once upon a time I did my best. 

Sometimes I don’t know myself anymore…..

Let’s finish with a song? 

Love you lots like Jelly Tots xxxxx

Things not to do…..

I’ve learned an awful lot of valuable lessons in my time but none more valuable than the lesson I learned recently about not accidentally taking anti-histamine pills instead of broken brain meds for almost a week.

It’s an easy enough mistake to make, especially if you’ve got things on your mind and your focus is on keeping up the early morning routine that goes ‘open drawer, take meds, close drawer’. It’s also an incredibly stupid mistake to make not least because when you start getting mild withdrawal symptoms when you’ve got no reason to expect them it’s really rather easy to convince yourself that you are, for once and for all, going slowly but surely off your not-so-jolly little rocker.

Thankfully it’s an easy enough mistake to put right so my little rocker is starting to get back to its jolly self. That said, I’m trying to take myself with a ginormous pinch of salt at the moment, at least until the chemicals are back on an even keel.

Aside from the anti-histamine affair things are fairly standard here in WeeGee land. By and large I’m well by which I mean that even though I’m a little bit wobbly I’ve got no plans to jump off any tall things any time soon. One or two rugs have been yanked out from under my feet in the past month or so. On the one hand the fact that there are so many changes afoot feels like rough justice but on the other hand I know that change is inevitable. I also know that sometimes you don’t get to choose what the changes will be or when they’ll arrive. I’m doing my best to take everything in my stride….

That’s about it from me. This post wasn’t really about saying anything – I just wanted to take the time to write something. I guess I wanted to see how it felt to write again, and to figure out if there was still a space for me here, and to understand whether or not this was a routine I could get myself back in to. Needless to say, I don’t know the answer to any of those questions yet.

I hope you’re all doing well. I miss you all tonnes and of course – I love you all lots like jelly tots.

WeeGee xoxox

The ten commandments of cohabiting with a WeeGee

In honour of the one year anniversary of Mr Awesome Thing Number Five and I moving in together I give you:

THE TEN COMMANDMENTS OF COHABITING WITH A WEEGEE.

  1. Thou shalt respect the God of angles

The WeeGee is a particular creature in all matters but especially in relation to the positioning of inanimate objects – all such objects in the WeeGee’s natural habitat are placed carefully, sometimes parallel to others and sometimes slightly askew. There is a system governing the parallel/slightly askew positioning of inanimate objects known and understood by WeeGee and WeeGee alone.

The system must be respected at all times: if you choose to reposition inanimate objects you do so on pain of a ginormous and lengthy sulk.

Monk

  1. Thou shalt not eat breakfast cereal

The cohabiting WeeGee has made significant progress in managing her ‘noisy eating rage’. However, the noise associated with the consumption of breakfast cereal remains problematic. Breakfast cereal is therefore eaten in WeeGee’s presence at considerable risk to your own personal safety.

Cereal 2

  1. Thou shalt remain calm in the face of loss

The WeeGee will lose her phone/keys/purse on a near daily basis. Such losses will result in a period of frantic searching which will invariably conclude when WeeGee finds her phone/keys/purse in the very place she said it definitely wasn’t.

If the period of frantic searching has not concluded within five minutes it is your responsibility to concede that WeeGee has really lost her phone/keys/purse this time and join the search. Shortly thereafter you will find the lost phone/keys/purse in the very place WeeGee said it definitely wasn’t.

Keys

  1. Thou shalt not touch WeeGee’s feet. Ever.

Nothing makes the WeeGee more furious than a part of another person’s body touching her bare feet. In the interests of safety adequate precautions should therefore be taken if there is even the slightest possibility that you might make contact with the WeeGee’s bare feet. Adequate precautions include, but are not limited to, the wearing of protective garments designed to guard against a punch in the face.

Full body armour

  1. Thou shalt not wake a sleeping WeeGee.

Every effort should be taken not to disturb the sleeping WeeGee. In the event that a sleeping WeeGee is accidentally woken you should be prepared to hear an extremely wide variety of really bad swear words many of which you will not have heard before.

Unfortunately it will occasionally be necessary to deliberately wake the sleeping WeeGee. In this instance commandment five shall be amended to read ‘thou shalt not wake a sleeping WeeGee and expect her to be remotely civil about it’ (see above)

Waking up

  1. Thou shalt not expect to find things where you left them

The WeeGee is a stealth tidier-upper. Items left in the wrong place will be moved to the correct place immediately and without warning.

Note that your opinion on the ‘correct’ place for an item is entirely irrelevant. The WeeGee’s decision on where your personal belongings will be tidied up to is final and you shall have no right of appeal.

Tidy up

  1. Thou shalt not laugh at tears

The WeeGee is a highly sensitive creature prone to outbursts of uncontrollable crying. It is unusual for a warning to be given although really nice people winning television game shows and that happy-but-sad bit at the end of DIY SOS often precede outbursts of uncontrollable crying.

It is your responsibility not to laugh at these outbursts of uncontrollable crying, no matter how ridiculous. Note that you should never administer hugs if uncontrollable crying breaks out as the administration of hugs under such circumstances tends to lead to an outbreak of full-blown but equally uncontrollable sobbing. This is not in the interests of anyone, least of all yourself.

Sobbing

  1. Thou shalt provide socks

Quite what the WeeGee did for socks before she lived with you remains one of the great mysteries of life but the fact remains that the WeeGee will never have any socks and will expect to find a suitable pair in your drawer.

Thou shalt not get antsy when WeeGee wears your Thursday socks on a Sunday is a supplementary commandment that will help to avoid arguments and thus make life a little more tolerable for all concerned.

Socks

  1. Thou shalt be in charge of the cling film

The WeeGee is incapable of using cling film without a) embarking on a long, heartfelt and sweary rant about the bastard who invented it and b) losing the effing end of the useless bastard stuff. You shall therefore bear sole responsibility for all and any procedures which involve the use of cling-film.

Cling film

  1. Thou shalt not ask questions about Eastenders during Eastenders

If you would like to know what is happening in Eastenders you should watch it. If you do not want to watch Eastenders you should not ask the WeeGee questions about what is happening while she is trying to watch it.

If you do not want to watch Eastenders but insist on asking WeeGee questions about what is happening while she is trying to watch it the WeeGee will be deeply sarcastic and will also certainly not tell you what is happening in Eastenders because SHE IS TRYING TO WATCH IT.

Eastenders

Love you all lots, like Jelly Tots

WeeGee xoxox

On politics

Since last I wrote I have mostly been being angry, which is okay because there’s been an awful lot for me to be getting angry about not least the outcome of the general election.

I feel I should stick up a signpost: this post is about politics, which isn’t exactly my usual fodder. I appreciate that, and understand that it’s not going to be for everyone. That said I’m hoping my readers will stick with me, or if not, at least forgive me for taking the opportunity to vent my spleen on matters close to my heart. In advance, I apologise to any readers outside the UK. I don’t imagine what follows is going to make a whole lot of sense to you. What can I say? I live on a small island….

I’ll start by setting out my stall: my name is WeeGee and when it comes to politics I’m a liberal. I believe in all kinds of unpopular things like freedom, and justice, and civil liberties and the rule of law. I’m even partial to a spot of equality. I’m used to finding myself on the wrong side of political arguments – those on the left distrust me because I am broadly in favour of a small state and those on the right because my notion of social justice doesn’t render the state small enough for their liking. The court of ‘public opinion’ tends to find me wanting because I’m a bleeding heart, an apologist for whichever evil the Daily Mail is most up in arms about at any given moment, and, of course, an all round loony*

I suppose I should confess to being a fully paid up member of the Liberal Democrat party, you know, in the interests of transparency and all. The Liberal Democrats are the only party I have ever voted for (with the exception of a London mayoral election in which I could not, in good conscience, put my cross next to the name of our candidate and abstained instead**) and as things stand, the only party I am ever likely to support. It’s difficult to be a Liberal Democrat without offering up some kind of explanation about the tuition fees fiasco. Sadly, there is only one explanation and it is far from satisfactory. I don’t attempt to defend the indefensible, although as someone who makes a living in the higher education sector I can’t help thinking that the issue of funding is a little more complicated than most people are willing to accept. That said if you make a big song and dance about promising not to do something it isn’t acceptable to go ahead and do it. The moral of the story? Promise in haste and repent at leisure. That’s all I’ve got to say about that.

And that’s the background to it all. WeeGee – loony liberal and member of a political party all but annihilated at the ballot box. Safe to say I usually find myself firmly on the outside in these matters. Nevertheless I’m angry. Sour grapes it may be but I really do believe that it’s PRINCIPLED sour grapes. It’s all about PRINCIPLES for me you see. Mostly because I think PRINCIPLES will go further than tax breaks when it comes to the furtherance of the human race

[WeeGee come over all loony-liberal and gives a fuck about the human race]

So here’s the thing. A little over a week ago the British people had the opportunity to vote for change, and they did in HUGE numbers. They (we) voted for less freedom, less justice, and less respect for the rule of law. We voted against the interests of civil liberties and, and this is the thing that makes me most despondent of all, we voted TO LIMIT HUMAN RIGHTS. Apparently, if you belong to the Conservative party in the UK human rights can be limited. We are all human but some of us are less human than the rest… That’s their take on it. I don’t accept it.

For me the worst thing that’s going to happen in the next five years is a limit on human rights. Other people see it differently. Under a Conservative majority, which is pretty slim*** we need to fear all kinds of other things: the future of the NHS, the way our children are educated, the plight of the poorest and most vulnerable people we know. Look – whichever way I look I look at it, it isn’t going to be good and it makes me sad, frightened, and angry.

I come back to my anger at the start of my post. As it stands I’m angry about so much of what the government that seeks to represent me stands for. I’m more angry, however, about the things that the government that seeks to represents me stands against. Like freedom, justice, civil liberties and the rule of law.

And don’t get me started on equality. I do believe we’re all going to hell in a handcart…. sad face.

Pfft….

Lots of love WeeGee xoxo

*I am perfectly prepared to concede this point

**But that’s a whole other story

***That’ll be 12. TWELVE.

Happily ever after

Although it probably seems otherwise to the untrained eye, I didn’t really stop blogging – I just stopped publishing my posts. I don’t exactly know why, by which I mean the hiatus was never intentional. For every single day where there was no post, my thoughts were full of How do you eat an elephant?

In many ways things have been exactly the same. I still spend my time filing my little notebook up with ideas, I still fall asleep turning the ideas over and over in my head, I still march through life trying to find the words that will make it make sense outside my head. In short, I’m still telling the story of myself to myself – day by day, week by week, and sometimes, of course, just hour by hour.

In other ways, things have been entirely different, not least because I’m well. I’m grounded, more interested than obsessed, capable of insight and, perhaps most importantly of all, happy and contented with the place in the world I’ve landed and the person I’ve managed to become. I know what my strengths are, and I recognise the things that hold me back. I’m prepared to say ‘no’, step back and take charge of things for myself. When there is pressure in my life its because I put it there – the agenda is entirely my own. I’m not selfish, but I’m not selfless either and I’m not ashamed to say that it’s taken me 35 years to figure out where that balance lies.

Since last I wrote, there has been life. I got engaged* and finally decided what my ‘career’ is all about. I started a new job, made new friends and made new promises to myself. There have been births and deaths, but no marriages. I’ve read one hell of a lot of books and rediscovered my passion for indie bands that nobody seems to have heard of. I’ve watched all four seasons of Game of Thrones, despite swearing I never would**. I’ve reached a point in my life where money doesn’t really matter and know how lucky that makes me. I’ve completed a crossword almost every day and decided that life is too short for suduko.

Its just life, and it marches on. I don’t dread it anymore.

My difficulties are ‘recurrent’*** and I won’t be well forever. I know that. I also know that my difficulties are not occurring at the moment and, if life is only a series of moments joined together to make a story, I’m going to make the most of the moment I’m in. Like I’ve always said, I love stories – with their beginnings, middles and endings – and the moments of calm you find in them.

I used to think it was all about happily ever after, that it would only be okay when it was okay forever. As for what I think now? I think its okay right now and I’m content with that.

Love you all lots, like jelly tots,

WeeGee xoxoxo

* I know, right?!

** High brow, it is not and misogyny it very definitely is. A right ripping yarn though….

***Grammatically, I think it should be ‘recurring’ but who am I to argue with the white coat people?

I don’t care

Since last I wrote I have mostly been being disassociated. That’s not necessarily the way I would describe it, but you know, sometimes you have to put your trust in the White Coat People because at least they’re trying to make you better.

If I had to choose a word, I’d be forced to break the rules and choose three because I DON’T CARE and that’s the only way I can think of to put it. Christmas: I DON’T CARE; new job: I DON’T CARE; my life is infinitely better than it ever has been*: I DON’T FUCKING CARE…… (granted, that’s four words)

All this not caring is difficult to explain. I can say the words and people seem to understand what I mean but I can’t seem to make them know how it feels. I can’t help thinking that I’m just supposed to shrug it off, that somehow what I’m feeling isn’t real or if it is real that it’s just something that everyone feels and that everyone somehow manages to get over. This is the news: I can’t get over it. Trust me. I’m trying.

I know that I’m going to get through this mostly, I guess, because I’ve got through it before. I also know that things aren’t nearly as bleak as I think they are because I’m still out there in the world putting one foot in front of the other. I suppose what I’m saying is that it doesn’t really matter whether I care or not – all the things that are going to be will be and I’ll be there and I might still feel the way I do now or I might feel a whole lot better.

The sun will rise, the tides will ebb and flow, life will go on, and things will be. It doesn’t matter whether they feel good, or bad, or indifferent – because sometimes just being is the best you can hope for. And the best you can hope for is very definitely enough.

I’m trying to set myself targets at the moment – nothing big of course because I DON’T CARE and because it’s important that I don’t ‘overwhelm myself’. Little by little, bite by bite and all that. I’m also trying to connect myself, or re-connect myself, with the things that I care about: books, politics, music, blogging…… Here we have a blog post which is a target met, a pat on the back, and another step forward. Whatever happens, I’m planning on taking another one every single day.

As is traditional I’ll leave you with a song, for the sake of fun, and for the sake of a smile, and for the sake of songs that lift your heart – because those are the songs that matter the most.

Love you all lots, like jelly tots,

WeeGee

Life by increments

I’d love to tell you the story of the last three months – you know, start at the beginning, flesh out the middle, and take great pleasure in getting to the end. Sadly, it isn’t going to be as easy as that, not least because I’m not entirely convinced that the end is in sight.

Truth told, I’m not completely sure when it even started. That’s the thing about unravelling: it happens so silently, so slowly, and so subtly, that you really don’t have a cat in hell’s chance of spotting the first stitch getting picked unloose. The fact that it happens RIGHT IN FRONT OF YOUR NOSE is just your broken brain’s way of ADDING INSULT TO INJURY.

There I was, bowling along in my little life quite happily thank you very much. I’d moved in with Mr Awesome Thing Number Five, I’d started a new job, and I was making a whole lot of progress with that whole being alive thing that had proved so difficult for me in the past. Let’s not make any bones about it: life was good.

And then I was struck down by a severe and chronic case of AWAKENESS. In hindsight, maybe that’s where it started.

I’ve written about my propensity for insomnia before – many times before, in fact. Insomnia is as much a part of my life as the sun setting and it’s been that way for as long as I can remember. Which is really just to say that I’m not going to lay the current bout of the doomy gloomies entirely at its door. But you know, being awake for all but three hours a day FOR WEEKS AT A TIME hasn’t exactly helped matters.

And then there was the winter. Or, more accurately, there was the clocks going back.

If winter was nothing more than five months of shitty weather punctuated by the useful distraction that is Christmas that’d be just fine and dandy by me. It’s the shrinking hours of light – the getting up in the dark, pootling around all day in the dark, coming home in the dark, the fact that the WHOLE OF YOUR LIFE IS DARK – that does for me. Thing is, I can make things dark enough for myself. I don’t need the actual dark filling up the corners I didn’t manage to get to.

And then there was the fact that, and I’m loathe to say it, I miss my old life.

I can’t bring myself to write a whole paragraph about that one. It speaks for itself, doesn’t it? Basically what I’m talking about is nostalgia. Mostly it breaks my heart.

—-

I’m going to call time on this instalment – I’m finding it exhausting and I’m frustrated that my words ran out so soon.

I’m reminded that there were times in my life when I approached the EVERYTHING in increments. Out of bed. Kettle on. Cup of tea. Shower. Clean Pants. Endless trivial tasks, one after the other, and every one of them an achievement.

Life by increments.

It seemed so pointless to me at the time but, hey – it worked. There’s no reason that finding WeeGee and her voice can’t work that way too right? Little by little, step by step, bite by bite. After all. How else am I supposed to eat the elephant?

Stay tuned for the next exciting instalment of WeeGee losing herself and then spending AGES trying to find herself again…..

—–

Meanwhile in other news Frank Turner has a new album today which gives me the perfect excuse to indulge.

Nothing else to report today save that I love you all lots and lots. Like lots and lots of Jelly tots.

WeeGee xoxox

Little black submarines

Since last I wrote I have mostly been being awake but, looking on the bright side, I have at least been awake at all the usual and required times as well as for THE WHOLE REST OF THE TIME when all the sensible people were fast asleep…..

My last post was one of those bleak affairs that I’m wont to turn out every once in a while. For a while I felt bad about writing it but I’ve had one of my little thinks and decided that if a gloomy post every once in a while is the worst thing my brain can come up with then I’m probably doing fairly well in the main scheme of things. Of course that’s more looking on the bright side. What can I say? Welcome back to WeeGee Land, I guess….

Safe to say my blog has been a little quiet of late. For the most part it has been the worst of times. And it has been the worst of times. And, put simply I couldn’t be arsed to turn my computer on. My broken brain has been misfiring all over the place and I’ve felt like my whole life was under siege. I got to the point of thinking that NOTHING WOULD EVER BE OKAY AGAIN. But it will, in time. I know that because I didn’t spend all the time I spent learning all the things I learned about living with a broken brain to go and forget that when it mattered the most.

When the chips are down time stretches until you think it might never end and you think that’s the problem: time marching on (and on and on and on). The thing is, when the chips are down, the only thing you need is time. Of course it marches on AND THAT’S THE BEAUTY OF IT. The next chapter is just around the corner and I’m starting to remember that I’m going to get to it whether I think I want to or not.

This is yet another toe in the water. There have been a few in recent months but eventually, surely, one of them will be just bold enough. I’ve been living in my own head, hiding from the world and from all the things that are very definitely better in that out. I’m yet to find a better remedy for my hiding than blogging so I happen I might stick with it this time. Or at least try to…..

I thought I’d try and revive an age old tradition and leave you with a song. It’s a whimsical song that doesn’t really mean a whole lot (except of course, those are always the songs that mean the most)

Until next time.

Love you all lots and lots like jelly tots

WeeGee xoxoxo

I don’t know what to call this…

I don’t blog like I used to. Things have changed and time has moved on and no matter how hard I try I can’t find the space anymore. Sure – once in a while I pop up, mostly to lament how much time has passed since my last post, but it doesn’t seem to matter what I write because it’s just not like it used to be.

More than anything I wonder what happened to WeeGee because WeeGee seems to be conspicuously absent from my life right now. I won’t make any bones about it: I made WeeGee up. She wasn’t real. She was a figment of my imagination, and a representation that I wanted to make, and I completely made her up. That said she was as good a representation as ever there was and now she’s gone and it feels a bit empty. I don’t how that happened.

Truth told, I’ve lost myself and I’ve lost myself in a way that only I seem to know how. I’ve somehow managed to build a whole world around me and that sounds great, right? Except it isn’t because it strangles me, and stamps on me, and makes me small: it makes it so that I’m lost and silent and resigned to the dullness that surrounds me. You’ll have gathered by now that my tendency for melodramatics hasn’t quite left me….

You’ll also have gathered that This Is Not A Good Time.

I’m writing because I don’t know what else to do. I’m writing because – once upon a time a long time ago – I wrote a lot and it made it right. I’m writing because somehow, in amongst it all, I still desperately hope that I’ve got something to say. I’m writing because maybe it’s just what I do when the chips are down, and the hope has gone, and there’s no other place to go.

More than anything I’m writing to say ‘hello’ to my much loved mental friends. I know that whatever I say here that someone out there will say ‘I get you’. I don’t think too many people in the real world are getting it right now, so, you know.

It’s a tough old path isn’t it? And I’m still treading it. I think I’ll be back tomorrow for some more emotional vomit, which is what you got tonight and I apologise. In the meantime I could sure so with a hug.

Love you all lots like jelly tots,

WeeGee (Gail) xxx

It’s been a wee while

My goodness, it’s been a while – so long in fact that I wouldn’t be surprised if you’ve gone and forgotten all about me. I’ve been absent for months and months, for lots and lots of different reasons. In the end though, if I had to sum it up, my silence has really come about because I realised that some things in life deserve your absolute and undivided attention……

The last time we spoke I’d just moved to my new flat and, I think, I was getting ready to start my new job. Neither of those things seems very new any more. Such is the nature of time I guess but I’ve been surprised by how quickly I’ve settled in to things. I used to have one life and now I’ve got another. In many ways, it really has been as easy as that: things change, life moves on, WeeGee does her little thing. Yadder, yadder, yadder.

Of course, WeeGee doing her little thing is never REALLY easy. You know me of old and you know that I ALWAYS have to do things the long way round. I think I’ve learned that I’m a master of ‘keeping up appearances’, of being okay when I’m really not, of holding it together when everything starts to unravel. I suppose what it’s really all about is contradictions. I can be absolutely fine at the same time as being absolutely not. Increasingly I think that I’m the only one who knows the difference even though I’m the last person you’d trust to be in charge of stuff like that.

Anyway….

Let’s cut a long story short – if haven’t already cut it too long. The thing that needed my absolute and undivided attention was little old ME. I needed to take time to work out how it all felt, and what it all meant, and how on earth it was ever going to come together. Maybe you remember that I spent a long time figuring out what being ‘me’ was all about when I moved to Surbiton. I guess this past few months has been about me doing the same thing for the next chapter.

I shouldn’t hide it – there have been some pretty grim moments of late, because that’s just how the difficulties I have manifest themselves. My alien brain has been in over drive and it feels like a small miracle that I haven’t jumped out of any windows. Then again, I’ve learned to take my miracles wherever I find them.

There have been new meds. I tell you something, when it comes to the doomy gloomies they’ve been an absolute chuffing miracle – mainly because for the first couple of weeks I felt so UTTERLY NAUSEAUS that I couldn’t even think about the doomy gloomies and ever since then the raging heart burn has been pretty effective in keeping my thoughts focused on other things. Maybe it’s worth mentioning the couple of days when everything was AWESOME. Because that was AWESOME…..

I feel like I’ve checked in to say ‘Hey! Everything is just as wibbly wobbly as it was before’ but I haven’t really. I think maybe I’ve checked in to say that it’s been just as wibbly wobbly as its been before but that all the things I’ve learned up to now made it significantly less awful than it once would have been.

I think perhaps that you have you have to learn to live with yourself, and I think perhaps, that despite the mishaps, that’s still what I’m managing to do. Is it perfect? Well no, its mostly mental. But day by day I’m learning that there is a way to content yourself with that.

Meanwhile in other news it’s going to take me at least three million years to catch up on all the blogs I know and love and another squillion to discover all the new ones. Bear with me….

Love you all lots like Jelly Tots,

WeeGee xoxoxoxo