If I only do one useful thing today, I’m going to get something up on my blog. That’s what I told myself when I woke up this morning, and as far as things go, it seems pretty reasonable as a plan of action….. There are times in your life when you’re going to want to solve EVERYTHING right there and then. The trouble is that those are exactly the times in your life when you need to dig deep and remember that whole thing about eating the elephant bite by bite. Today is about writing things down. Tomorrow is about whatever comes next.
It all started when I had to resign from my job. I get it – there ought to be a back story to go with that statement but the truth is that there isn’t one, or at least there isn’t a back story that’s going to bring anything meaningful to the narrative. Right now I’m less about narrative and all about meaning. I’ve come to a point in my life when I think there’s been too much story and too little meaning.
So. I resigned from my job. I liked the job I resigned from because I was good at it and I thought things were going okay. I didn’t factor in that unknowable factor, you know the one from the 1970s, about whether YOUR FACE FITS. I’d never had a job that turned on whether your face fitted or not. I thought it was all about whether you were any good at what you did. I WAS WRONG. Sometimes fitting in is the most important thing you can do – I’ve learned what not fitting means. As if I didn’t know…..
I suppose that’s as much back story as I can give.
I’m not a good person, I know that.
People are presented with choices and some people choose one thing, and other people choose another but it isn’t the choices themselves that define us. I don’t think there’s a single difference between one human being and another apart from the way we reconcile our choices. What I’m driving at, I guess, is that there are two kinds of people. The people who can live with the choices they’ve made, and the people who can’t.
Some people seem to be cut out for life. They know what to do, and what not to do. There are little things, life’s contingencies I suppose: some people know what to do with those things. I don’t know what to do. When my hopes and dreams turn to dust before my very eyes there is nowhere for me to go. I get bleak, and over awed, and defeated. I give up because I am not cut out for life.
Im not a good person, I know that. I’ve made the kind of mistakes that I can’t take back, even though I knew they were mistakes before I’d even made them. I’m not a good person, I know that because I didn’t stop to think whether the decisions I made were right or wrong. I’m not a good person because my hopes and dreams turned to dust, and I saw it happening, and I didn’t end up anywhere different…..
Once upon a time I wanted to be a good person. Once upon a time I did my best.
Sometimes I don’t know myself anymore…..
Let’s finish with a song?
Love you lots like Jelly Tots xxxxx